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IGNITION
Five minutes pass, then ten, and then after that another five. I pace the room, taking the time to look at the books on his built-in bookshelf. It’s all law books, torts, and books so thick I’m not even sure what they could be other than retro phone books in bindings. What I do find cute is the small shelf ofThe Lincoln Lawyerfiction books slightly hidden on the bottom row. Once I’m done looking at his books, I stand at the windows and take in the view of the street. From just on the second floor you can see a large part of the street and the trees lined up and down it. It’s pretty here in the fall, and I wonder what it looks like in spring with all the flowers in bloom. As I look out the window, I get lost in thought wondering what my life would have turned out like if I wouldn’t have made a snap decision and broken up with him.
Would I come here each day and bring him lunch? Would we meet at that cute diner I passed a few blocks over? Would we have had two brown-haired kids running around the house? I don’t know. I keep my gaze looking out at the street, completely lost in thought. When I feel something warm graze my elbow, theshriek is out of my mouth faster than my brain can compute that it’s just Brad’s fingertips on my bare skin.
“Sorry! You startled me. I got to looking out the window and found myself daydreaming.”
He nods as if he understands what I mean. He sits down in the chair in front of his desk and gestures for me to have a seat with him. Once I’m seated he leans forward, placing his elbows on his knees. His face is only about a foot away from me. The look on his face has my heart racing. “I have so much to say to you, I don’t know where to start.” He shakes his head. “No, that’s not right, I do know where to start. Nikki, I have thought about you a lot over the years.”
My eyes refuse to blink. Those few simple words and the look on his face has my eyes locked on him. I can feel them open wide, taking in everything he says.
“When you broke up with me I should have gotten in my car and drove to see you. I was a mess back then but I wanted you. I wanted to be with you in every way possible. Christ, I wanted to marry you after I passed the bar. The night that you sent me that text I was a wreck. I had been at work all day, studying all evening, and was going to have to be back up and at it six hours later. Then when I read that it completely and utterly fucked me up. I saw you blocked me on everything and I shut down. I cut myself off from everything and threw myself into studying.”
My breathing feels heavy and I realize my chest hurts at hearing him say all of these things. I bring my hand up to rub my chest trying to dislodge the feeling. I can’t help but bring up something that surprised and hurt me even when I had no right to feel hurt. “Then how could you get engaged just a few short months later?”
He pins me with one look that tells me I should already know the answer. “I didn’t want to get married, at least not to her. I hadbeen studying every night and working here at the firm. Do you remember me telling you she was one of the partner’s daughters?”
I nod because I do. I’ve played the night of the Christmas party over and over in my head as the years have gone on looking for any clues to things that may have been missing that would have let him walk away so easily after I broke it off.
He continues. “Her father held my career in his hands. She wanted the shiny new toy and that was me. She inserted herself into my life any chance she could get. When she found out that you dumped me which by the way wasn’t hard because I looked and felt miserable, it wasn’t a secret that I was heartbroken, she pounced. I didn’t realize at first what she was doing, I thought she was just wanting to have some fun and before I knew it I had the managing partner of the firm in my office telling me that if I wanted to be accepted here once I had passed the bar then I needed to clarify in a traditional way my commitment to his daughter. And you were gone, blocking me and nowhere to be found.”
He blows out a long breath as if he’s having a hard time reliving the past and I understand. It’s hard for him to relive it and it’s hard for me to hear it. I can feel my wide eyes getting glassy with unshed tears. “This is too small of a town, I didn’t have any options except to accept that fate. You were gone and my heart was completely fucked up and closed off.”
He runs his hands through his hair and I know this is one of his signs that he’s stressed. “You know, I drove by your parent’s house about ten times trying to see a glimpse of you those first few months. Then I heard you had bought a house and then got engaged yourself.” He pauses and I see him clench and unclench his hands. “I was so angry and upset when you got engaged. I felt like it was the final nail in our proverbial coffin but who was I to get mad again? I was already married and I wasn’t going to goagainst my vows, even if I wasn’t in the marriage for all the right reasons. I tried to make the best of it but a lot of the time I was wishing it had been you.”
He clears his throat and looks down at the floor. “I spent years with her, and I’m not going to lie, there were some good times there, but you were never far from my mind. We’d go to the football games and I’d see the majorettes and then think about you the rest of the game—the whole weekend for that matter. I’d go back and read all of our old messages and wish I could talk to you, but I knew you were mad and I knew that it wouldn’t be right to my wife because you and I, we can’t just be friends with each other. You were always much more than a friend to me.”
I can feel my eyes flutter shut, unable to stay open any longer no matter how shocked I am. My unshed tears fall and slip down my face because I can’t hold them in anymore. His hands gather up mine and hold them together inside his. I open my eyes and look up at him. His face is so open, searching mine for any idea as to what I’m thinking. I start to nod slowly because I understand. Ireallydo. “I’ve thought about you a lot. Wondered why you got married.”
He lets go of one of my hands and gently brushes his thumb across my cheek to swipe away one of my tears. “Now you know. I couldn’t keep being unhappy. Months ago I told her I wanted a divorce. I left my house and took some clothing and haven’t been back since. She wants everything and that’s why one of the partners, who is also my friend, is handling the divorce. She wants far more than what I feel she should be entitled to and it doesn’t sit right with me wanting things that I inherited from my family.”
I wince at his words because having gone through something similar I understand where he’s at. It also pains me to think of her and all the years that they spent together. Years that I causedto happen. He watches me wince and he must get that it makes me feel awkward or sad or some negative emotion. “I won’t bring it up again. I’m sorry.”
I shake my head. “No, I get it. I helped put you in that position because I was an immature brat and had a knee-jerk reaction and bailed on you. You can talk to me about it, I promise. We’re adults and I want to know more about you and who you’ve become over the years and if being married and then having to get a divorce is involved in it then I’ll hear it as well. ”
“Hey.” He reaches up and cups my face and looks me straight in the eye. “You didn’t force me to walk down that aisle. We both made mistakes but we’re both here now—together”
Our words hang heavy in the air around us as we finally begin to confront the past and each of our mistakes. “I’m sorry it took me so long to get here,” I tell him.
“I’m sorry that I never came and got you. For a long time, I convinced myself that I was doing what you wanted me to do, which was disappear from your life.” The weight of his words sinking in.
His warm hand lingers on my face and I tilt my head into his palm, reveling in the fact that this is in fact really happening. “I never wanted you to disappear. I was just young and dumb and wanted more of your time at a time you couldn’t give it and I was being selfish.” Even through all of the years of separation and the pain of misunderstanding weighing on both of us, there’s a glimmer of hope, a chance of forgiveness and reconciliation.
He stares at my mouth while I tell him how truly sorry I am. Then his other hand comes up to cup my face, and before I know it he’s got his soft lips on mine. We kiss until the kisses become more, where we’re out of breath and my hands have found his hair and I’ve got it between my fingers, never wanting to let it go. Mymouth opens and his tongue intertwines with mine. He moans into my mouth and pulls me up into a standing position with him. Our bodies flush against one another now. My butt hits his desk and I rest it on the surface. He leans over me, kissing me, touching me. It’s as if he’s trying to memorize everything about me.
Our mouths break apart abruptly when his desk phone rings, pulling us out of our haze. He doesn’t move to answer it, though. We just stand there, both breathing heavily, his eyes hooded with want. He rests his forehead on mine and I close my eyes and take a deep breath just taking in this moment. “Even in my wildest dreams about how today or any day could go in the future between us,” I whisper, my voice betraying me and quivering with a mixture of disbelief and pure joy, “I never imagined this to be happening. I never thought that we would get to the point where I’d feel your lips on mine again.”
As we stand there together in this defining moment, we are both acutely aware of the undeniable connection that we still share and the intensity of our feelings. When the phone stops ringing he leans his mouth down and kisses me slowly before pulling away.
“I don’t want you to leave. Did you have any plans for today other than coming here?”
I shake my head no, my heart racing. “No, I really drove here to see you. I was planning on driving back today.”
He looks at his watch and circles back behind his desk, picking up the phone to make a call. “Miss Mason, please cancel all my appointments for the rest of the day and tomorrow. I’m going to be out of the office.” With that, he returns the phone to the base. He then opens up a drawer in his desk retrieving a wallet and a set of keys.
The implications of his actions are clear. He’s leaving and I’m going with him.
To say it’s a surreal feeling having Brad sitting in the passenger seat of my car while giving me directions to his temporary townhome wouldn’t be putting it mildly. When we left his office, he asked where I was parked, and when I pointed to my car he said it would be easier to take mine so I wouldn’t have to worry about a ticket or the parking meter. I went along with it and found myself driving a few miles away to a residential neighborhood going fifteen miles an hour.
