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“Draw up the papers,” I slowly turn to find Reece standing a few feet away with a concerned look on his face. “I can’t go back in there, because if I do, you’ll be defending me on an assault charge and I think I’ve taken up enough of your time.” I smile, but its forced. “I just want this all to be over. I want to be me again. I don’t want my girls to see this version of me, I’m ready to be happy and stop feeling like the weight of all my bad choices are dragging me down.”
“Go for a walk,” he offers me a nod. “I’ll go handle this and when I have everything together is a few days we’ll meet in my office and get this finalized.”
I bite my lip to keep from crying or screaming and step around him walking toward the elevator. He’s right I need some air.
“Look at them.” I sit on the picnic table at Magnolia Park and watch Riley and Regan play on the swings. My chest is so raw, each breath I take burns. “I mean honestly, what kind of man can pretend they don’t exist?”
“Carson isn’t a man, he’s a coward.” Emma slides closer and bumps her shoulder with mine. “He’s also a liar and a cheat, a pathetic lay, from what you’ve said, and those two pretty babies are better off without him.”
Riley jumps off the swings and hurries to Regan’s side. They link hands and start to skip toward the slide. I can barely hear them, but can tell they are singing, as they sway their bodies in unison.
I know she’s right. My girls are better off without the influence of Carson. With him life would be full of disappointment andsadness, but it doesn’t make the fact that his one demand to make this divorce final is to sign over his rights to our daughters and for me to never ask for a dime for them.
I haven’t found the courage to tell my father this newest development because he’s already been hanging on by a thread. I swear if he knew he could get away with it he’d murder Carson and bury the body in a deserted field.
It’s only a matter of time before the entire town knows and my biggest fear is for my girls to ever think they are unwanted. They are my babies, my life, my world. The idea of them hurting nearly cripples me.
“I know right now this feels like a fail.” Emma says from my side but I can’t bring myself to look at her. “I know you. You’re blaming yourself, thinking you somehow should have seen this coming but I need you to push all those thoughts aside for a second and listen to me.”
I take a shuddering breath.
“Look at me,” I do as she asks. Normally she is trying to find a way to bring joy to a dark moment, but she must see that it’s the last thing I need right now. Right now I need a light, I need some kind of win. “You are an amazing mother, and you have given yourself to those girls one hundred and ten percent even before they were born. You have every single person in Magnolia Grove on your side and they won’t make it possible for Riley and Regan to ever feel for a second that they aren’t loved. They have so much joy, they are happy and they have you to thank for that. Because even in the midst of all the bullshit, you never let it touch them. You made sure every day that even when you were breaking all they saw was your smile.”
I nod, trying not to cry. I can’t let them see me cry. Regan gets so sad when I’m sad and Riley, she gets even more fiery than normal. My Yin and Yang, the salty and the sweet, my babies.
“I know you don’t feel much like celebrating but if you ask me, I think this calls for a make your own sundae, movie with our pajamas kind of night. Then after the girls fall asleep if you need to fall apart Lucy and I will be right there to hold you up.”
I don’t know what I would do without the two of them, they’ve been saints.
“Does that sound like a plan?”
“Mattie might get mad at me for continuing to steal his woman.”
“Oh, please,” she humphs, “he’ll find something to do.”
We sit side by side for awhile, continuing to watch the girls run around and laugh.
Seeing them smile, watching them together, gives me the light I’m needing. It amazes how much they love each other, two best friends, attached at the hip, zig zagging around the playground without a worry.
I know they are better off. I know having Carson’s influence in their life would only cause them more harm than good. But I keep thinking about the one day when they ask me about their father. What will I say? How do you explain his choices when you don’t understand them yourself?
thirteen
. . .
Jayson
“One twenty-five over seventy-six,” I thumb through the iPad looking at Georgia’s notes from Mr. Millers vitals. “Looks good,” I smile at him, “how have things been?”
“Good,” Mr. Miller is a stubborn man. Even if there was something of concern, he’d play it off as nothing. One thing about my gramps is he took very thorough notes on his patients.
Check Mr. Miller’s feet. If he is lying, he won’t look you in the eye. He doesn’t take his Diabetes seriously, so follow up with Ms. Miller about his diet.
Every patient folder has notes like these in it. He was old school, keeping paper charts in his office on everyone. Thankfully Georgia is just as thorough and ensures the important things are in the computer system she talked my grandfather into installing.
“How are the feet feeling?”
Instantly Mr. Miller looks at the wall over my head and I try not to laugh. Like I said he knew his patients better than they knew themselves. “They’re fine.”
