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I lean back in the chair taking a deep breath.
I’ve barely slept, and now that I’ve opened the envelope and accepted the finality of what I’ve been trying to avoid, I suddenly feel exhausted.
Pushing back from the desk, I gather the paperwork and place everything in the top drawer. After locking it, I tuck the key into my pocket and flip off the light.
It’s been close to forty-eight hours since I had more than five hours sleep. I’m used to short naps versus endless hours, but with the mixture of emotional drain the last few days, I’ve finally hit a wall.
Above the doctor’s office is a small apartment. It’s more like a loft without a kitchen because it’s just to the left at the bottom of the stairs on the main level. A long galley style kitchen with a nook at the end, holding a small four person table. It’s used during business hours and the apartment upstairs was rarely used. Unless I came into town or Mattie needed a place to crash, it was left empty.
It’s not big, a living area at the top of the stairs with a couch and recliner, a television mounted into the corner. One decently sized bedroom area tucked back in the opposite corner and a bathroom with one of those deep tubs. I’m not a bath guy, preferring a quick shower at the end of the day, so I rarely used it.
I grab a towel, reach in the standup corner shower to flip on the water, and walk over to the sink. Rubbing my hand over my face, I stare at my reflection, two-day old stubble, and a solemn look in my eyes. It still feels like part of me is missing. I may not have talked to Gramps every day, but knowing I can’t is breaking me.
Everything feels so different, like a hole has been drilled through the middle of my life and it is left gaping and completely empty.
I’m the guy that likes everything to be exactly as it should be, everything has a place, everything has a purpose, yet here I am, feeling so incredibly lost its unsettling.
I’m not sure I will ever fully feel whole again.
four
. . .
Zoey
“Gigi!” Riley takes off barreling into my grandmother’s legs as she braces herself for impact. My grandmother, known as Gigi to my girls and myself, has lived alone for years. My grandpa passed before I was even born, who was apparently a stubborn man very set in his ways. Not that she didn’t love him, but after he passed, she swore she’d never give up her freedom again.
I didn’t know her before but from what my mother and Aunt Sarah say, Gigi is a completely different person now. She loves life, spends most of her time surrounded by friends and family, and never shies away from a new adventure. She watches my girls on most days and they are always telling me about a new activity or trip they’ve taken. From painting to building a fort in the backyard, they never have a dull day with Gigi.
“My sweet little beams of light.” She hugs Riley and holds out her other hand for Regan to join them. The three huddle together, sharing a moment as little giggles can be heard. “It’s been far too long since I’ve last seen you both.”
“We was here yesterday.” Regan wrinkles her little nose in confusion, and I smile as she looks at Gigi like she is crazy.
“I know.” Gigi releases them and places her palm over her heart. “Like I said beautiful one, far too long.”
Riley smiles, Regan too, and both look back at me.
“I told you that you both make the day better. Even Gigi thinks so.”
“And the nights, and my dreams.” She tickles them both as they start to back away both holding their giraffes. “And every single little second in between.”
Riley and Regan may have a shitty father, one they barely know because he’s either drunk or pretending they don’t exist, but they are lucky. They have a town full of people who love them, they have my parents, Aunt Sarah, Emma, and Lucy, but most of all they have Gigi. I’m thankful they don’t have the chance to miss the man that from day one has neglected to accept his fatherly duties. I know one day they will ask, and I dread the day I have to have that conversation. How does one tell her daughters that their father is selfish and worthless without saying those words?
It’s a conversation I pray I’ll never have to have but know that I’m being delusional to think I won’t. A problem for another day.
“What are we doing today?” Regan asks excitedly.
“Aunt Sarah needs some help at Sugar Rush.”
“Um, is that such a good idea?” Instantly my heart drops as I think of the girls in my aunt’s candy shop, with hot fudge, mixers, and machines that assist the process. The disasters that could happen are piling up in my mind, one after another untilI’m buried in the possibilities. Trips to the emergency room are flashing through my mind.
“Oh child.” Gigi waves her hand at me with a laugh. “We are driving to the supplier to get the items she is running low on. Apparently, she under ordered, I assure you because she was distracted by a late night visitor last Tuesday that didn’t leave until Wednesday afternoon.”
I wrinkle my nose at the image that fills my mind. Aunt Sarah never married, she insisted that there was way too much of her to give just one man. Instead she has her puppets on a string. Yep, that is exactly how she refers to them, she tugs, and they come running. Her Tuesday, and her occasional Thursday afternoon, and if she’s feeling exceptionally frisky that week, her Sunday mornings. All three know the score, do not expect more, because she will never budge on that.
Aunt Sarah is a free spirit, the kind of lady that meets the mail carrier on the dock wearing her skimpiest bikini and a martini at eight a.m.
Poor Mattie, the first time he had to ever be met with that sight. Conrad never flinched, he was used to years of Aunt Sarah’s ways, he truly should have warned Mattie about her.
