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Of course this would be the night she stays up past eleven p.m. It’s bad enough I feel like I’m disappointing my dad’s ghost. I’m letting her down too.
“What happened to your hand?” she asks.
The bleeding has stopped, but my knuckles are still red and swollen. I debate lying, but she’ll hear the truth at school on Monday. “I punched a cabinet.”
Sydney’s eyes widen. “What? Why?”
“Felt like it. I’m going to bed.” I turn, heading toward the stairs.
“Was Cassia there?”
I still but don’t turn around. “Yeah.”
It didn’t occur to me she would have told Sydney she was going to Jack’s party. It should have.
“Did you apologize?”
I wince, recalling what I said to her. “She doesn’t want to hear it. She hates me.”
“Goddammit, Holden.”
I flinch. Sydney never swears.
“She’s my best friend. She’s been there for me through everything. And I can’t be there for her because you’re my brother. She doesn’t even want to come over here anymore. Won’t talk to me about it, because I’m your sister and she doesn’t want anything between her and you to affect our relationship. I have no idea what happened between you guys. Back in eighth grade, now, she won’t tell me anything. Neither will you.”
I close my eyes. “I’ll go,” I offer. “I’ll spend a couple of nights at Finn’s, and you guys can—”
“I don’t want you to go, Holden. I want you to stay. To show up. To stop running away.”
My jaw works. “I’m here right now. I’m here for you, Sydney. You’re not alone.”
“I’m not talking aboutme, Holden. Did you know Cassia has a cinnamon air freshener in her car? Those Lions tickets that her dad won last winter? I found a receipt for them in her room over the summer. The only day she drinks coffee in the afternoon is Friday, so she never falls asleep before me when she sleeps over. Those granola bars you eat every morning? She brings a new box over every week, for you.”
The fist around my heart tightens.
“Apologize, Holden. Fucking grovel for her forgiveness. She might hate you right now but she’s also in love with you. Hasbeen since we were all kids. Anyone could see that, especially someone who knows you both as well as I do.”
“She deserves better than me.”
“You’re right. She does.”
I scoff at Sydney’s hasty agreement.
“Better than this version of you, at least. But she wantsyou, Holden.”
I tilt my head back to stare at the ceiling. “She hooked up with Harrison Baker at the party tonight.”
“She told you that?”
“They came downstairs together.”
Sydney stands and walks over toward me. “If you’re not sure, let her go. If you are,do something.”
“Sure of what?”
“You know what.”
Then she walks up the stairs, leaving me standing here staring at the couch, where I first saw Cassia naked, with a mess in my head.
