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She exhales, chewing on her bottom lip. “I don’t know if I can do this, Holden. I’ve never even thought about if I want kids. I’m supposed to go to London this semester. I got a scholarship for that program.”
“You didn’t tell me.”
“Yeah, well…” She looks away. “It was supposed to be a ‘Surprise, I’m going to London!’ thing. Not a ‘Surprise, I’m pregnant!’ conversation.”
“I can’t make any decisions for you, Syd. But I’ll support whatever you decide. And I’ll kick Baker’s ass if he doesn’t do the same.”
Her smile dies as quickly as it appeared. “What if Iamhistory repeating itself, Holden? What if I’mjust likeMom?”
“You’re not.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Yeah, I do. You’re nothing like her now, Sydney. If you decide to be a mom, you’ll still be nothing like her.”
I want to tell herselfishness isn’t genetic, but I’m not sure it’s true. I used to use it as an inherited excuse. But now I know it has limits. Cassia ranks above any of my own interests. It’s part of why I was so shocked when she told me she didn’t think shewas a priority to me. All the lies I’ve told…they were to protect her, not me.
“Yeah. I hope not,” she says.
I didn’t show up here planning to discuss my mom with Sydney.
And all it’s done is remind me I’m keeping secrets—from both her and Cassia.
“Iknownot.”
Sydney nods but I’m not sure she believes me. Maybe it’s something she needs to realize on her own, the same way I did. Sydney has always seemed unscathed from our mother’s abandonment. I was the one who acted out and resented. She simply acted like our mother never existed, and I’m now wondering how much of a performance that was.
“Thanks, Holden.”
I hug Sydney and then force a smile. “I mean it. If you need anything, let me know. Okay?”
She nods. “I will. Thanks.”
“I’ll be around in the morning. Say bye before you leave.”
“I will.”
I glance toward Cassia’s room, debating my next move.
Leaving without saying goodbye to her feels strange. But so does talking to her when I know secrets are piled between us. When I know I haven’t been the only one withholding.
I’m not mad, exactly. I get why she didn’t tell me, and I get it was a terrible position to be in. I even understand why Sydney didn’t want to tell me.
But it stings, knowing Cassia knew and chose to keep this from me. It feels like a small betrayal. If she’d told me and asked me to keep it to myself, I would have. I thought we had the type of relationship where she would have trusted me on that.
It’s absolutely my guilty conscience talking. The realization that I came here to get something off my chest and am leaving with more piled on is stifling.
“I begged her not to say anything.”
“Yeah, you said.”
“I mean it, Holden. Don’t you dare get angry at her about this.”
“I won’t. I mean, I’m not.” I glance toward the front door, then back to her room again.
“Then gotalkto her. I’ll cover my ears and close my eyes if you want. Just remember…” Sydney points to her stomach. “Consequences can happen.”
“Jesus,” I mumble as I walk past her.
