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“I know that, Holden. You think I don’t know that?”
“I don’t know. What has ever gone wrong in your life? You have the happy family. You know exactly what you want to do with your life.”
“What’s ever gone wrong in my life? Well, falling in love with you has been fucking inconvenient.” She spits the words out. They sound more like a declaration of war than of love.
I freeze. I’ve wondered how she felt about me. We’ve been stuck in a cycle of lust and confusion. But for some reason, I never thought she’d say it. At all, and certainly not like this. “It was a waste of time too.”
I say what I’m thinking, and she stills like I slapped her. I meant it as an apology, more than anything. I feel unlovable right now. She should have been falling in love with a guy whocan handle hardship without falling apart. Who has a certain future and something to offer her.
“Don’t talk to me again, Holden. We’redone, you hear me? This thing between us, it’s finished.”
It’s exactly what I wanted. Needed. For her to let go, so I can stop feeling guilty or like I’m letting her down. But I’m stunned by how much it hurts. How much I want to take everything back.
Instead, I force myself to keep going. Clean breaks are easiest to move on from, right? “Fine by me. We fucked a few times. You’re not my girlfriend. I can do whatever the fuck I want.”
That’s what I thought I wanted. The truth is, I haven’t touched any girl since the night she climbed into my lap and made me come fully dressed.
That’s nothing Cassia knows. Nothing I intend to tell her.
“You think I’m so dick-whipped I won’t do the same, Holden?” she snaps. “Iwill.”
I let the alcohol in my blood temper the way those words feel like a blow. “Fine.”
“You’re an asshole.”
“Yeah, I know,” I agree. “Told you you have shitty taste.”
Cassia shakes her head. “Wow. I thought you’d changed. I thought you actually cared.” She spins and starts to head toward her car.
Everyone on the court is staring at us. I should let her walk away, but something in me can’t leave things like this between us.
“Goddammit,” I mutter. “Cassia!”
She spins around. “What?”
I take a step closer. “It’s better this way, okay? There’s not—I’m not—” I exhale. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry everything changed. But I’m not—I have no idea what the hell I’m going to do. I’m not going to drag you down into that with me.”
I’m not expecting a smile and apology accepted. But I’m not prepared for the vitriol in her expression either.
Cassia looks like she wants to shove me. Maybe slap me. “Right. Don’t ask me what I want. Don’t talk to me about how you’re feeling. Just decide—the same way you’ve decided everything else.”
I inhale, bracing myself for what I need to say. Stare at the grass and scoff my sneaker against it. I can’t keep waffling. Giving her false hope. “You should move on. Give Baker a chance. He’s a good guy, Cassia.”
She says nothing. When I finally man up and look at her, I realize there’s a wet sheen covering her hazel eyes. My stomach drops.
“Cassia…”
“Bye, Holden.” Those are two words she’s said to me before. But there’s a permanence now. A finality.
She turns and walks away. Just like I did to her four years ago, at Ginny Davis’ eighth grade Halloween party, right after I kissed her.
I thought that hurt—walking away.
But it hurts just as much—maybe more—to be the one walked away from.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
CASSIA
