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It’s sweet of him to include me. I try to relax and enjoy myself, nodding along like I get jokes and agree with what everyone is saying as I down the ginger-flavored soda.
I finish it about fifteen minutes after I arrive and immediately have to go to the bathroom.
As soon as the lacrosse player he was talking to heads into the kitchen, I ask Harrison where it is.
“I’ll show you,” he offers.
“You don’t have to do that.”
“I know. But it can get a little crazy upstairs, and the lineup there will be shorter.”
I smile and nod, following him toward the staircase. I try to ignore the fact people are looking at me. It’s a novelty I’m here, I guess. I also try to ignore how neither Holden nor any of hisfriends appear to be here. I didn’t think Pembrooke was large enough to host multiple major parties in one night.
Maybe he’s drunk at the old court again.
Not my problem, I remind myself. He made that clear.
Harrison leads me to a bathroom upstairs. There’s only one girl in front of me, so it’s a short wait. I use the restroom. Study my appearance as I wash my hands.
I hardly recognize myself in the mirror.
I look older. Adult. More like a woman than a girl. From the outside, you’d hardly know anything is wrong. On the inside, I’m a mess. I want to be here. Want to move on and be over him. Why can’twantingthat be enough?
Harrison is waiting dutifully when I walk out of the bathroom. Leaning against the opposite wall, wearing a small smile.
I study him as I approach. His jeans and his Pembrooke Football sweatshirt.
And I will myself to feel something. Anything.
Nothing.
When I reach Harrison, I do something that shocks us both.
I kiss him.
It takes him a few seconds to start kissing me back. But once he does, it’s hesitant. Tentative. At first, I think it’s surprise. But we kiss and kiss and it’s a long ways from consuming. Water lapping at my toes as opposed to being pulled under by a rip current.
When Holden kisses me, I have to remind my heart to beat. My lungs to breathe.
I pull back slowly, dreading having to explain my actions to Harrison. We stare at each other for a few seconds.
“Sorry,” I say. “I shouldn’t have done that.”
“Don’t be. I enjoyed it.”
I’m blushing. I can feel the heat in my cheeks. “Oh. Um, good. You ready to go back downstairs?”
Harrison doesn’t move. “Why’d you do it?”
I shift my weight from foot to foot. My fingernails dig into my palms.
“Why did you kiss me, Cassia?” he asks again.
His tone is kind, but it beckons an answer. One I don’t want to give him. I kissed him because I wanted to break what is already battered. I wanted to destroy me and Holden beyond repair. Wipe away the past and prove I’m capable of moving on.
And that isn’t me. I’m not the girl who uses one guy to make another jealous. And the worst part is, I’m not sure if Holden would even care if he knew I just kissed someone else. We fooled around, same as he’s done with lots of other girls.
“I just…wanted to.”
