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Ever since Anna died, I’ve wanted to visit her grave to pay my condolences. I didn’t have the strength to attend her funeral, and I’ve always felt terrible about not being there. Over the years, there have been so many things I’ve wanted to say to her, but I never thought I would have the chance to.
My counselor brought forward the idea of writing Anna a note and reading it aloud at her grave. After sharing the idea with Roxanne, she instantly agreed to come with me for support. I honestly don’t think I could do this without her.
For the most part, I’ve made up with everyone I’ve had issues with in the past. But it feels like the one person missing in order to allow myself to truly heal is Anna. It’s always been Anna. I’ve held myself back for years in response to her deathand finally, I want to set myself free of this guilt. Deep down, I know that Anna would want me to move on with my life as well.
I’ll never forget about Anna. She was the first girl I ever truly felt something for. But I can’t live in the past any longer.
Roxanne holds my hand tightly as we walk toward Anna’s grave. We stop right in front of a headstone that readsAnna Dawsonwith a photo of a pretty blonde on the front.
This is the first time I’ve allowed myself to see her face in over nineteen years. It’s odd to say, but it’s a healing experience.
I let go of Roxanne’s hand to kneel down and place a bouquet of flowers in front of the headstone, and Roxanne gets on her knees next to me.
We just sit there in silence for what feels like hours as I take in the emotions I haven't allowed myself to feel in years.
“She was so young,” I finally rasp.
“And so beautiful,” Roxanne adds with a soft smile as she stares at Anna’s picture.
“Thank you,” I croak, blinking back tears. “For being here with me. I couldn't have done this alone.”
“Of course,” she smiles, leaning over to place a sweet kiss to my cheek.
I sniffle, trying to hold back tears until after I get through reading the letter.
“Well, I guess I better get started or I never will,” I sigh before pulling the handwritten letter from my pocket.
I unfold the crumpled paper and just stare down at it between my hands.
“Do you want me to read it out loud?” Roxanne asks. “If it’s too hard for you…”
“No,” I shake my head. “I can do this. Thank you, though, baby.”
She purses her lips together in a smile before bringing a hand to my back and rubbing soothing circles along my spine. I love her so much.
“Here we go,” I exhale, lifting the letter with shaky hands.
I take a deep breath before starting.
Anna,
Here I am, nineteen years later. I’m sorry that it’s taken me so long. I wish I had done this sooner, but I just want you to know that I haven't forgotten about you. If anything, you’ve been with me every day since the moment you left. For years, I’ve lived with regret about that night. I’ve tortured myself, pushed people away, and banned the idea of relationships. But after lots of self-reflection and deep conversations, I know that you wouldn't want me to live a lonely life.
I think, to some degree, I will always feel guilty for leaving you at that party. But to be honest with you, I was so damn mad at you for kissing my friend. It sounds so trivial now, but back then, it felt like my world was crashing down.
I know you don’t blame me for what happened, and I know you wouldn't want me to apologize…But I just need to say that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for leaving you. I’m sorry for not attending your funeral. And I’m sorry for letting your memory plague me for the past nineteen years. If I were to pass at a young age, I would want my friends and family to remember me with joy in their hearts, not sorrow and regret. So from this moment on, that’s what I plan to do.
I plan to only remember your smile. I plan to remember the night you waited outside my bedroom window as I snuck out in hopes that we could con the gas station clerk into letting us buy a pack of cigarettes. I’ll never forget how hard we laughed as we ran after he shut us down and kicked us out of his store.
From this moment on, I choose to only remember the happy moments. Because I know that’s what you would want.
And in case you’re wondering about me, I’m finally in a good place. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life. I met a girl named Roxanne Taylor, and she’s my entire world. I wish you could meet her. I feel like you two would love giving me shit together.
I wish you could experience this, Anna. What I have with Roxanne is something I never dreamt I could have. I hope wherever you are, you’ve found love too. It’s the best gift I’ve ever been given.
When I started writing this letter, I promisedto keep it short, because I remember how much we hated lecture hall. So, I’ll leave you with this.
Even though you were on this earth for a short amount of time, I learned so many things from you, Anna. I learned how important it is to love the people close to me with my whole heart because I don’t know how long I have left with them. I learned to not dwell on the bad stuff and, instead, focus on the pieces that bring me joy.
