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“Yeah. I told her you weren’t feeling well.”
“Understatement.” I butter my toast. Since he’s eyeing my food like he’s hungry as well, I point to the toast. “Go for it.”
Dante smears some peanut butter and jam on a piece of toast and sits down next to my feet. “Thanks.”
“It’s the least I can do,” I say with a bit of humor.
He takes his last bite, and his phone chirps. Glancing at the message, he frowns. “I got a job from Karma. Should I have one of the guys stay with you?”
“No.” I wave him off. “I could use some more rest. I can text the group chat if I need anything.”
“Okay.” Dante hesitates, then he squeezes my ankle through the blanket. “Seriously, let us know if you need anything. We all kind of feel bad about last night.”
“Justkind ofbad?”
Dante cringes. “Okay. A lot.” He runs out of the room, throwing, “Goodbye,” over his shoulder.
I eat two pieces of buttered toast and drain the juice.
Then I pull Carmen’s book out from under my pillow.The Karmic Cycle of Death.
Flipping the pages quickly, I scan them to see if there are any loose papers or notes in the margins. There aren’t any hidden notes, but I notice some pages are dog-eared and then flattened back out, leaving a crease behind.
I study these pages. The first marked page talks about karma and death being close in nature, which is something I suspected. The book explains that karma and death are parts of the cycle of souls. We are reborn to learn lessons and grow as beings. When we don’t learn, we come back to the physical realm, live another life, and see if we can learn it then. It often takes many attempts, and as we learn, we grow as a soul, we move on to bigger lessons, deeper pains, and more complex situations. We have to master each emotion, and only then will we rise up the karmic rank. When we reach enlightenment, we don’t have to reincarnate in a human form anymore.
It would be nice not to come back to another painful life. I wonder where I am on this karmic path. I have experienced deep pains, and I’m Karma’s agent, for goddess’s sake!
Am I arrogant to think I have grown? I haven’t overcome my pain, and I haven’t learned how to deal with it. I’ve dealt with my pain by avoiding future pain.
Dammit, maybe Dante has a point. Even if it isn’t with him, maybe I should open myself up and learn how to love without being broken.
I keep reading. It explains how we often pick the same situation repeatedly in the same life, choosing an abusive partner to fill the void of an abusive parent. Also, we don’t overcome that karma until we choose not to be the victim—until we pick a partner who won’t actively hurt us.
Have I chosen an abusive cycle? I suppose I have. My parents were screwed up, broken people, and I had a series of messed up people fall into my path. I tried to care for them, but it always blew up in my face.
AmIthe problem? Did I set myself up? I can’t take all the blame, but I often ignored warning signs. I wanted to believe people are good, but then I became tangled up with their problems. They might have had a good heart, but they were broken, and now, because of their abuse, am I broken too?
Do I have to stay that way?
No. Idon’t.
I keep reading.
I can break patterns, learn to have healthy boundaries, and heal myself.
I skip to the next section—death is a transition not an ending.
I witnessed this transition. I felt the welcoming peace on the other side of that portal. A huge part of me wants to go through, return to my true home, and rest, but I know it isn’t time yet. I suck in a breath, thinking how close I came to taking my life. I wasn’t afraid, but I think I would have been disappointed if I crossed over without finishing my lesson on Earth.
I continue reading.
We have more control over our death than we realize. Every choice we make, everything down to turning left or right, brings our end closer or pushes it further away. Subconsciously, we are dancing with death at every moment. It’s closer than we want to acknowledge. If we called to death, it would greet us. We are in constant negotiations with it.
I stop, and my eyes widen with comprehension.
Can I call for Death? Would Death answer without killing me? Can I negotiate?
What would I negotiate for?
