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It’s not her fault. It’s all mine.
“Look at that waterfall.” Tish points into the mountains, and I pretend to care.
“Pretty.” I am such a fool. I threw everything I had away forpretty.
I remember telling Ashlyn I’d found true love. I’d moved out of our home, away from Ashlyn and Kate, and into a flashy condo on the sixteenth floor, overlooking the city. Tish loved it. Ashlyn hated every inch of the space.
“This is what people live in when they’re young, just starting out,” she’d scoffed, all sixteen years of wisdom looking at me with disdain as she walked in the door. How could she possibly know anything? Shedidn’t. I mean, the condo was no starter pad. I’d been there, done that with Kate, complete with cockroaches and mice in the kitchen drawer.
I’ll never forget that moment. Kate’s scream was so loud and urgent I thought someone was in the tiny kitchen murdering her. I ran from the front room into the kitchen to find my newlywed wife frozen.
“There’s something in there. With bright-red eyes.” She pointed to the closed kitchen drawer, her finger trembling.
I yanked the drawer open, revealing our measly collection of thrift shop silverware and nothing else.
“It’s gone.” I smiled. The hero.
“It’ll be back,” she answered, still shaking. “We have to move. Find another apartment. Or never use that drawer. All of those drawers.”
Kate was like that. Take charge. All or nothing. Black and white. Fearless in life and business. She went from top of her class at UCLA to running one of the best start-ups in the country. She was successful in everything she touched.
Until we started fighting about everything. Until I began to resent the fact that she was always right. Until I couldn’t bear it. Until I betrayed her.
Back then, I was her knight in shining armor, even though she didn’t need one. Except to handle the mice.
“We can’t afford to move. I’ll tape up the drawers.” I knew better than to come up with a solution that involved pesticides. She’d never agree to that. Or to a trap. And so we’d lived there another year, with taped-up drawers and hundreds of mice running throughout the old apartment’s walls. And we were so happy. Some days we’d be working so long, so intently, we’d forget to eat. Who needs silverware when you’re in love and building a business?
I had three drawers of real silver in the new penthouse Ashlyn stood inside that day. I shook my head, indignant at the time. How could she understand? She was only sixteen.
“This is a sophisticated penthouse, the finest on the market downtown. It’s certainly not a starter apartment, Ash.”
“You’re clearly having a midlife crisis.”
I held my ground. “No, that’s not true. I found my soul mate. I hope you’re as happy for me as I am. Tish and I are moving in together.” I didn’t even have a doubt as I told my daughter this. Not then.
Ashlyn had been seated on the sleek white leather sofa facing the view of the downtown skyline, but she stood and yelled: “Yoursoul matejust happens to be your assistant? Come on. You looked far and wide, not really of course, and suddenly your soul mate materialized at that desk. It was karma, is that it?” Ashlyn was angry, sure, but I wanted her to understand. To realize how happy I was. “Your soul mate babysat me! She’s four years older than me. Oh my god.”
When Ashlyn left, slamming the door behind her, I didn’t worry. We had a great father-daughter relationship, and it would be fine between the two of us. Ashlyn and I were close when she was growing up. I was the fun parent, the one who said yes when Kate said no. The dad who volunteered at school, who went on the sixth-grade campout. The dad who stuck up for his daughter when she was accused of cheating on a test. “My daughter would never,” I’d said to the prune-faced principal. Ashlyn’s face had been streaked with tears, afraid. I didn’t even need to ask her if it was true. I would make it false.
“This is preposterous,” I’d said, and watched Ashlyn relax against the chair. “I’m taking her home.” And I did. We even stopped for a scoop of Jeni’s ice cream. Lavender. Our favorite. The next morning in class, her teacher apologized, and Ashlyn’s straight-A record was intact. I always wondered if those grades were for her, for me, or for her mom. Doesn’t matter, I guess.
Just like back then, I knew how to win over my daughter. She’d be happy for me. She would come around. Ashlyn and Tish had fun together. I’d witnessed it firsthand. Once she was over the shock of it all, she’d be fine.
And I was in love with a beautiful young woman who adored me.Win-win,I thought.
I shake my head at the memory. That day, like many others, did not go as planned. I’ve been so wrong.
“Earth to John.” Tish stares at me. What did I miss? What did I mess up? A neon-blue butterfly floats between us and glides away through the deep grass of the valley. I wish I could follow.
I need to take a break. From everything. “Can we sit? There’s a picnic spot just around the bend.”
Tish turns to keep walking in the lead. My phone vibrates in my pocket, and I pull it out.
Text:I’m worried about you. Call me?
Well, that’s sweet. My heart thumps with excitement.
I text:I’m fine?back tomorrow.
