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She shook her head, wondering how to respond. “There wasn't any specific incident, we just stopped loving each other.” How could she make him understand something she didn't quite know herself? “Don't you see? That's what concerns me. There wasn't any one major thing. We drifted apart, but I didn't even know about his gambling problem until after he died.” She drew a shaky hand through her hair. “Sam wasn't a horrible person, he didn't hit me or hurt me. But I didn't love him enough. I think maybe he sensed that. And in the end, I wanted something more from my life than an empty marriage.”
“You deserve more out of your life than an empty marriage,” he agreed, a puzzled frown in his brow. “I wish I'd known about his debts, though. That was something else he kept from me.”
“That makes two of us.” She sighed. “It's embarrassing to admit, but I always let Sam take care of the bills. And look where that got me? I guess it's one of the reasons I'm so determined to remain independent.”
Austin still looked confused. “But I don't understand. How did he get so far into debt?”
“I don't know.” She raised her gaze to his. “Sam joked about playing poker on occasion. I didn’t think it was an obsession with him, but I assume now that it became one over time. It makes me wonder if Sam was looking for something different, something to make up for what we didn't have in our marriage. I don't think he was happy—at least, not happy being married to me.”
“I find that hard to believe,” Austin said. He spread his hands wide. “Sam never once said anything about not wanting to be married to you.”
“Yet he envied your bachelor lifestyle,” she felt compelled to point out.
He grimaced. “He may have mentioned that once or twice, although I didn’t take him seriously. I know he cared for you Lindsey. I really think it might just have been the two of you getting married so young.”
“Maybe.” She tried to smile. “But caring isn't enough. Marriage is hard enough with people who are in love. Without love, it’s almost unbearable. Especially when you add children to the mix.”
He was silent for a moment. “You're right. Caring alone isn't enough.”
She breathed a sigh of relief. He did understand after all. “Of course, I’m right.” She strove for a casual tone. “So now that you understand where I'm coming from, there's no reason we can't be friends. Right?”
Friends? Austin stared at her. He’d admired her from afar for years, had actually been jealous of Sam for having Lindsey as a wife, yet she wanted to be friends.
Sam, the jerk, had put her deeply in debt.
And then that same jerk had turned around and saved his life.
He ground his teeth together for a moment. Lindsey was right. Maybe Sam's heroic moment made up for the gambling. And he’d made his peace with God over the way Sam had saved his life. After all, it wasn’t up to him to question God’s plan.
But he hadn't asked Lindsey to marry him out of guilt. Or a sense of responsibility. And he definitely hadn't asked her to marry him because of a deathbed promise.
“Lindsey, do you know why I've never been in a serious relationship?”
She gave a careless shrug. “So many women, so little time?”
“Not funny.” It was something his siblings would have said. He narrowed his gaze. “No. Because of you. Do you remember when you and I first met?”
She quirked a brow. “Oh, you mean when you brought that overdose patient in who threw up charcoal all over me?”
“Yeah.” Maybe it wasn't glamorous but he remembered that day as if it were yesterday. Especially the keen disappointment when he'd caught sight of her wedding ring. He'd discovered later that she'd only been married for a couple of months then. If he'd met her first, before Sam, maybe things would have been different. For both of them. “You were wonderful to work with, not arrogant or snooty. Many of the other nurses acted as if they were better than us. Yes. that patient threw up all over you, but you weren't annoyed or disgusted. Instead, you are nothing but kind to the patient, nice to me and to the rest of the paramedic crew.”
“It wasn't your fault or the patience fault that he threw up on me,” she protested. “Charcoal is supposed to make you throw up. That's how you treat an overdose of sleeping pills.”
“Very true, but I was so impressed with your kindness and compassion. The fact that you were totally hot was an added plus.” He wasn't explaining himself very well. “There was just something about you that called to me in a way no other woman had done before. You have no idea how disappointed I was to discover you were married. I worked with Sam for several months before I met you, but I didn't realize you belonged to him until the day Sam invited me over for dinner.”
Lindsey looked so surprised by his revelation that he had to smile. That night, when he'd come over for dinner, he'd been stunned to realize his secret crush was married to his partner. Holding a coherent conversation had been a challenge. It had been the first time in his life he'd ever been envious of any of his friends.
“From that day on,” he added, “I remember thinking Sam was the luckiest guy in the world. And I told myself I needed to be happy for him. And I was. Truly.”
“I never knew,” she said in a low voice.
He snorted. “Of course not. I wouldn’t make a move on my friend's wife. I tried to get over my infatuation with you by dating other women.” He grimaced, remembering those first few dates had ended badly. “It didn't work. Every time I got to know one of them, I’d realize she couldn't compare to you. And when I went on out on a paramedic call and ended up with a patient that needed to be brought to the Sun Valley emergency department, I always looked for you. Just seeing you, even from afar, was enough to make me smile.”
“I don't believe it,” she whispered.
“Lindsey, I never allowed myself to fall in love with you, to even dream of having a chance with you, until Sam died. Yes, I promised him I’d take care of you and Josh. Why wouldn't I? There was nothing I wanted more than for the two of you to be safe and secure. It wasn't until I spent more time with you during the weeks after his death that I realized how I was falling in love with you.”
Then they'd had their fight, when he tried to give her advice on raising her son. He remembered how she accused him of trying to run her life, and there had been a kernel of truth to that. Staying away from her had been the hardest thing he'd ever done.
