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Prologue
I’m under the bed, holding my hands tight to my ears. I know it’s a position I’ve been in many times before, but I can’t remember why. I still feel that bone-deep fear as the yelling outside my door grows. But this time, there are gunshots. There are never gunshots. At least, I don’t think there are.
Everything feels fuzzy in my brain, as if a long forgotten memory is trying to break through the clouds, but they’re too thick.
A soft hand touches my arm, and I open my eyes. No one ever touches me gently, not since the woman with the red hair and blue eyes left. Not since the day I foundhim.
My mind snaps me out of that thought as if it’s something it refuses to remember. But then that gentle touch strokes my arm again, and I hear words I’ve never heard before.
“Come on out, little one. Come on out and I will keep you safe.”
I’m only a child. I have no reason to trust this lady with long blonde hair and gentle gray eyes, but my little arms reach for her. I can feel her warmth as she pulls me close. I remember the wind whipping around us as she ran, clutching me tightly to her body as gunfire consumed the air around us. But she never let go. She never stopped running, and for the very first time in my life, I felt like maybe it could all get better.
I don’t recall how we got to the hotel that night. All I know is, for the first time in a while my belly felt full and I wasn’t scared. The room we were in was so nice, and I loved the bathtub. It had warm water which Mama never let me use.
“I need you to forget, Beau. I need you to put everything behind you and forget. We are going to have to run. I need you to forget so that we can keep you hidden and safe.”
The blonde woman is so nice. She makes me feel safe, secure, and warm. So if she needs me to forget, then I can do that. I feel my little head nodding in agreement, and she sighs in relief.
“I promise to do everything I can to give you the life you deserve.”
Hope swells in my heart as the memory fades into the background.
I can hear the voice of a woman I love calling me from the other side of this murky realm, and there’s someone else there too. Someone my heart seems to try and reach out to. I just can’t get to them yet.
Chapter 1
Do you ever look back and wonder why you’ve made the choices in life that you have? I’m not normally one to question myself. I move forward in life with confidence and embrace everyone around me with love and acceptance.
Until now.
I can’t help but feel like the foundation of my being has changed as I sit here watching the man I love breathe on his own while his mind is still lost to us. I don’t want to be happy anymore. I no longer give a crap about what color my nails are or how cute my shirt is.
I’d rather sit here and watch the rise and fall of his chest until the world around me fades away. Because, guess what? The world freaking sucks.
Well aware that drowning in self-pity is a horrible way to die, I can’t seem to find a way to break the surface of the tide of emotions pulling me under. The only way it feels like I can catch my breath is by watching his.
So, that’s what I do. Watch and wait for him to come back to me.
I thought he loved me. That he would fight for me. But he started to pull away from me–from us. It hurt like a mother clucker too. But I held tight to these two men and believed in happy endings like in all the fairytales.
I didn’t need Hallmark or anything, I just needed my guys. Then, they both tried to leave me on what was easily the third worst day of my life.
My best friend is gone. I feel betrayed by my chaotic lover and rejected by the man who refuses to open his eyes. Everything feelswrong.
The joy and happiness I could always find on the inside feels like an empty, bottomless chasm. No matter how hard I try to pour love and hope into it, nothing fills the darn thing. The black void just stares up at me, waiting to consume me whole.
I can’t bring myself to look Havoc in the eyes because Arrow won’t open his. I don’t want to hear his excuses because Arrow can’t share his. All I want to do is scream in their faces so closely that they can feel my spit on their skin. I want to demand to know why they didn’t fight for me. But, I can’t.
So, I sit in silence and wait.
Most of the time, I fall asleep clinging to my stuffed unicorn and praying that I’ll wake up in a world where things are better. Except, when the sun rises and claims a new day, it feels like they just get infinitely worse.
???
One saving grace, in the mess that has been my life, is Akio. I was struggling without Evie, and he saw that. Not only did he help save her, but he has been a lifeline for me.
We text constantly, and he’s a great person to walk through emotions with. He said his mother was very into meditation and taught him to think through his problems without feelings.
