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I know I said I wanted space, but Havoc has gone out of his way to ignore me. It’s almost as if he left, just like he said he was going to. When I walk into the room, he will squeeze Evie’s hand before leaving. Which only leads to Evie looking at me with pity, making me want to vomit.
I was eating ice cream last night, drowning myself in sexualandemotional frustration, which I’ve never experienced together. I have over one hundred and eighty toys for a reason. I don’t get sexually frustrated.Ever.
But now I can’t orgasm to save my damn life. Every time I try, I think about Arrow in his hospital bed, or Havoc walking away that day that everything changed.
I can still remember how cold my feet felt on the floor as I followed him to Arrow’s room. I can hear the beeping of the machines in the background. But the worst part was Arrow’s face when Havoc turned to leave.
Thanks to my bestie, I know very well what pain looks like written on a man's features. However, the face Arrow made, I don’t think I’ve ever seen something so excruciating before. It was heartbreak in its most physical sense. This is why, no matter what Doc says, I don’t believe for one second that Arrow slipping into a coma wasn’t Havoc’s fault.
Last night, I was about to abandon my grudge just to be in Havoc’s arms again. Even if it only lasted for a minute. He walked in to see me sitting on top of the counter, my legs crossed as I ate ice cream from the carton like a teenager pms-ing. His eyes met mine before he turned on his heels and walked away so fast you could have sworn the floor was lava.
I was ready to let him hold me close right then and there because I missed him so damn much, but he just walked away without a word.
I’m still stewing about it as I sit with Evie. When I’m with her, Havoc doesn’t interrupt. But the moment I leave, he comes in to be with her, not allowing her to be alone for a minute. It’s been three days, and she has been cleared to do some light workouts. Since I needed the exercise, we walked together around the lake in the backyard.
I could feel Havoc’s eyes on us the whole time, but he never showed himself. Evie encourages me to talk to him, but that’s hard when he leaves the room the second he sees me. I asked forspace, not abandonment dangit. I don’t think he quite realizes how every avoidance feels like dismissal and rejection.
This is what you asked for. You can’t be mad if he’s only doing as you asked.
That’s the thing about irrational thoughts though. I can have them. And I will. Doesn’t Havoc understand that sometimes girls just want the opposite of what they say?
Like, when I said I wanted space, what Ireallyneeded was for him to kiss me like I was his whole world again and say he would never leave my side no matter what.
I mean, I still would have had doubts, but at least we wouldn’t be in this dang limbo.Freaking canned cheese on a cracker, why can’t the man just read my mind?
Evie and Dr. K wrap up their session, but she looks sweaty and exhausted. She’s gotten better over the past few days but still has a long way to go.
“I’m going to go take a shower,” Evie says as she gets up.
I stay seated, letting her go. Once she’s out the door, Dr. K looks at me. I usually stay to see if there’s anything I can do to help Evie, but today it feels like Dr. K wants to say something more. Which she does.
“Things will only get worse if you continue to bottle up your feelings.”
It’s not fair that she has these light blue eyes that can see into my shattered brain. I don’t want her to see all of those sharpened pieces. I’m the nice girl, I always need to be the nice girl. Those pointy edges aren’t for anyone but me and the people that hurt my family.
“Please don’t.” I wring my hands as I look up.
Her gentle gaze meets mine. “I am not trying to push you. Alexi hired me to help. I just want to help. After the amount of times I have failed in my life, helping all of you has given me a new purpose.”
“I don’t need your help,” I say as I get to my feet.
She nods but I can tell she doesn’t believe me. That’s fair though. I’m not sure I even believe myself.
I know I can trust this woman. Heck, if Evie believes she can open up to Dr. K, then I should have all the faith in the world in her. It’s not that I don’t believe in therapy either. I know it’s a great tool and has helped my friend so much.
But I can’t seem to get the words out, even to myself. I tried to have a stern talk in the mirror yesterday just to help cease some of the emotions that are suffocating me, but not even that worked. My tongue wouldn’t move, and the fear of saying everything I felt out loud gripped my heart tighter than a snake strangling its prey.
I opened my mouth over and over, only for the fear to swallow me whole. I felt like I was diving into black tar as terror coated my veins in the substance. I rub at my chest as I leave the room, the pain still ever-present.
“I’m here, Laney. Whenever you're ready.”
I’m not afraid to talk to her, I’m afraid to face the horrors that still lurk in my past. I’ve never seen Dr. K judge Evie, but Evie didn’t choose to be assaulted.
I did.
The door closes softly behind me, and I have to run to my room. I slam the door behind me, sinking to the floor and hugging my knees as a horror from long ago rises to the surface. This hasn’t happened in so long. Not since I found safety and comfort in Arrow on the island. It doesn’t matter though, the void of my nightmares consumes me whole as I’m lost in its clutches.
“I know how to do my job, Papa.”
