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“So, a meat and potatoes guy. What about activities, like favorite ways to relax? I struggle with relaxing, being still, all that. I know you figured that out. But I also can’t say no to a nicebeach vacation, drinking daiquiris in the sand brought to me by a pool boy. But every day stuff? I enjoy working out at the gym for sure. It’s good stress relief as long as Ajax doesn’t make me do the obstacle course. Really, my favorite is a hard spar, where I put some cocky warrior on his ass. Yeah, that feels good.”
He chuckled at that. “Easy stuff. I like working with my horses or hanging out with my friends. I like watching them act like fools while I keep my eye on them. Maybe some pool or poker. Enjoyed going to Ajax’s tournaments.”
“Too bad I never got to go to those. We could have met years ago…” She paused at that, lost in her thoughts before she got back on track. “Do you drink? I don’t think I’ve seen you with a drink at all.”
“Occasionally one or two. Never interested me to get drunk though.”
“You’re always the designated driver.”
“Something like that.”
“Well, I’m the designated drunk. It feels like freedom and fun to me.”
“It’s fun to throw up and pass out?”
“Okay, smartie-pants. Not that drunk. I’d never been that drunk before, and hopefully never again.” She slowed her words, her thumb rubbing circles on his forearm. “You just pissed me off that night. I wanted you to hate me.”
“Hmmm. Good to know.”
“It was a shitty thing to do. You forgive me for that, right?”
“Nothing to forgive. You are who you are. It’s what I…it’s what I like about you.”
She cleared her throat, and it was obvious she knew what he’d wanted to say. “Back to my questions. You’re not getting out of this. When you were a kid, what did you dream of doing if you ever left this pack?”
He thought for a while about that. He hadn’t thought about it in years, at least not since he realized that wasn’t reality. No sense in getting one’s hopes up when he had very sensible duties and a life anyone else would be grateful for.
“Doesn’t matter. Not really. You?”
“I dreamed of being free.”
He frowned. “Aisling is the freest pack there is. How much more freedom could you have?”
“No, you don’t get it. Free from pack expectations, from the future everyone expected of me. I want to go from coast-to-coast, I want to see the world, I want to go places without needing permission. I’m not sure pack life is for me. But I love people. All people. I love being around them, socializing, and having fun. I guess I saw Hollywood celebrities and wanted that lifestyle.”
“Sounds like you’re going to get what you want. Keep going with PackNewsOne, you’ll get it all.” He couldn’t keep the bitter note from his voice and knew how that sounded. “I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s been a dream come true. And all I want is to see how far I can go with it. When I started, I wasn’t sure it would do anything, but I wanted to find out. And now…I want it to be more than a gossip site. My dream is to be the real news. Actual important news stories. Maybe, eventually, show my face like a real journalist. I can’t do that in a pack or tied down to a person. It’s not fair to them or me.”
She turned and looked him in the eye, silent for a minute, like there were so many more things to say. “I’m sorry. I know that’s not what you want to hear from me. It’s not ideal, but it’s something I can’t give up on. We only get one life.”
His stomach clenched. She was right, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. And making her feel guilty about it wasn’t right either. “It sounds like a lonely life though.”
Her face softened, her eyes searching his face with a sadness. “Yeah. You’re right about that.”
“I can wait for you. However long. I’ll go with you if I have to.”
She took a long shaky breath, tears forming in her eyes, and he gripped her tightly when she spoke. “You don’t know how many times I’ve thought about that, how I imagined the scenarios playing out. And then how unfair it is to you. You have your own life, your own wants and desires. I’m not worth all that.”
His voice gruff now, he was angry that she thought she wasn’t worth the world to him. “You are. I would follow you to the ends of the Earth. You’re worth that and more.”
She paused again, looking away from him, then settling back down to curl up against his chest. “Before you came tonight, your mom spoke about you so much. A little wine in her, and she was singing your praises. I heard so many stories about you. What you were like as a kid. The sweet way you take care of your mom, the love you’ve had for horses since you could walk. How you would sit in front of NPR shows and talk about being a rodeo cowboy, and riding the broncs, winning competitions. She would find you out practicing on the horses late at night. That you would talk about it non-stop. Then you didn’t. What happened?”
“I grew up. I wanted to be a dinosaur when I was three too, but then you get older and realized that’s not reality. Logic wins out over childish dreams any day.” He didn’t know why he was so angry his mother had told Bailey that. He didn’t know why it mattered. He had given up on that idea and refused to think about it anymore.
“It doesn’t have to be, Nas. We find our own happiness, things that make us whole before we make our lives completely about another person. Otherwise, we lose who we are.”
“I know who I am. I’m simple and logical. There’s nothing else to me. Nothing for you to worry about. I’m not free, I’m not like you. Your spirit is wild and open, nothing like mine.”
