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Part of me also wanted to become friends with Skylar. Maybe he would be a good friend to have. Plus, maybe if we got close, it would make the record label happy. Maybe if they were happy enough, they would give me my freedom a little sooner.
That’s the only thing I have to look forward to now. My freedom. No longer being under lock and key. Being allowed to pee in peace. Being able to eat or not eat whenever I wanted.
Freedom is my new goal. Better or not, freedom is the only thing I want now.
Well, that’s not true. I want Wes, but I can’t have him now.
Tears threaten to spill from my eyes every time that thought crosses my mind, which is often.
Wes will never be mine again. Like I told him, good things don’t happen to me. Even when they do, they end badly and leave me worse off.
I need alcohol, that’s for sure, and the only way to get it is to go backstage.
I do a once-over in the mirror to make sure I look okay. I pat my eyes and fix a smudge of eyeliner. Really, thank God for waterproof mascara.
I walk backstage, and my eyes are instantly pulled to Wes. I see him sitting on a few couches, talking with his band. I see Haley sitting across from him with her two friends from yesterday.
It hurts. It hurts so bad. Tears fill my eyes, and I quickly blink them back. I couldn’t be caught crying. I’d look more pathetic than I already look.
I read the headlines. I knew everyone was talking about how sad it was that the first boyfriend I got in a while ended in a pregnancy. They were all already talking like Wes and Haley were back together. Which maybe they are, who knows? Maybe by me refusing him, he decided to run back to her.
I walk over to the table of alcohol and grab the first bottle of vodka I see. I need to get drunk if I’m going to have to pretend I’m fine. I’m going to have to be drunk in order to get through this night.
Sue didn’t get me another vial, but I still have leftover coke from the last time and the time before that. I mixed the vials while Sue was still at the store earlier. I wish I had done a bump before coming out. I could use a little pep to my step right now.
I take a sip from the bottle, while trying to look anywhere but where I want to look, which is at Wes. I miss him so much ithurts. How did I become so attached to someone in just a matter of days? It makes no sense. It’s crazy, but it happened.
I can’t wait for this tour to be over so I can get as far away from him as possible and never have to see him again. I still need to find a way to avoid doing the song with him. I couldn’t do that now. It would hurt too much. They would expect us to perform it together, which meant another tour together or something. I can’t do that.
Skylar sees me as he is about to take the stage, his guitar hanging over his shoulders. He waves, and I smile back at him. I stand by the side of the stage as they take it.
I watch Skylar all throughout their set. He had asked to be friends, and I very well may take him up on that. I wonder if he would be nice like Wes or if he is an asshole like all the other guys the label wants me to hook up with are.
I wonder if I’ll have to fuck him. I wonder if he is any good in bed. At least now I have something to compare it to.
Tears fill my eyes again, and I quickly make my way to the exit. I need fresh air. I need distance from the only person I want. Wes.
I see Ben leaning against the wall of the building, smoking a cigarette.
“Hey. Thank you again for last night.”
“No problem.” Wiping my eyes, trying to hide the evidence.
“If it’s any consolation, I hate Haley probably just as much as you, if not more.”
“Hate isn’t the right word for how I feel about her.” I shrug.
I didn’t hate her. I wish I could be her. Not pregnant with Wes’s kid, I mean… No. I just wish I was as pretty as her. I wish I had Wes like her. A single tear rolls down my face, and I wipe it away.
“I doubt it’s even his kid. She sleeps around so much it could be anyone’s.”
I shrug. I didn’t want to be talking about this.
“He is heartbroken but putting on a brave face to avoid drama.”
I simply nod. I want to believe that he is just putting on a brave face, but part of me thinks he has already moved on from me.
“I should probably head inside.”
