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I walk back onto my bus. Sue looks up at me.
“I’m just trying to protect you.”
“He isn’t the problem.”
“He is part of the problem. You care about him too much. You aren’t stable enough to have your happiness be tied to one person. It’s not good.”
“Too late.” I shrug. “May I have a Xanax now?”
“Sure.” She nods, pulling out a bottle from her bag. She unscrews it and I hold out my hand. She pours one out into my palm. “I like him. I do Abbey, but I just worry. I worry that every time something happens between you two, you’ll fall to pieces. It’s not healthy.”
I shrug. “Bathroom?”
She hands me the key with a sigh.
I use the bathroom, wash my face, and brush my teeth before giving her back the key and heading to my bunk. I change into shorts and a tank top, tossing my bra to the side and crawling into my bunk.
Maybe she is right. Maybe I’m not stable enough for my happiness to be tied to one person. It probably is unhealthy. I will fall apart anytime something happens between us, but it doesn’t matter. I am crazy about him. I couldn’t stop it if I wanted to. I am very much in love with him.
I wish he was here with me right now. I want him here and rubbing my head. I want to fall asleep next to him and be in his arms again. I miss him so much.
I wonder how things would’ve been had Haley not come and dropped her bombshell. We would’ve been a couple. Would he stay the night on my bus? Would I be on his bus? Would we be having sex right now? Would we be happy? It would’ve been only two days. Of course, we would’ve been happy.
Maybe he is right. Maybe we can find a way to make this work, even if it is his. Maybe I am stronger than I think. Maybe I can handle it.
Anything feels possible when his lips are on mine. It all feels so right when his hand is in mine. I feel capable of anything with his arms around me.
My phone buzzes beside me and I roll over and check it.
It’s a text from Wes.
“Hey, I’ll call you in the morning. Get some sleep, beautiful. Sweet dreams.”
“Goodnight.” I reply and let myself drift off to sleep.
sixteen
The next morning,I wake up to the bus moving and crawl out of bed. I check my phone and see I have a bunch of text messages. I ignore them for now, even as I see Wes’s name in the mix. There is still a lot I have to think about regarding him.
I walk into the kitchen area and see Sue sitting at the table, looking at her computer as usual.
She looks up when she sees me walking to the cupboard. I pull out the bread and toaster. I put the bread in the toaster and pull out the butter from the fridge. I pour myself some coffee, adding some milk and sugar, even though I’d prefer it black, I know Sue will like me adding it in.
“What’s the prize? Is Wes going to come over at the next stop?”
“No prize. Now I’m just eating to gain five more pounds and the ability to pee in peace.” I say with a shrug. “Bathroom?” I ask, holding out my hand for the key.
She hands it over. “Three minutes.”
“Yeah, I know.” I roll my eyes.
I would follow the rules, eat what she put in front of me when she put it in front of me, and not throw up. I would let her watchme pee, and I would let her tell me what I could and couldn’t do, but I didn’t have to do it with a smile on my face.
I pee and wash my hands before walking back to the kitchen. I butter my toast and sit across from Sue at the table.
“What’s the latest?” I ask as I take a sip of my coffee.
“With?”
