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“Yes, Abbey?” He asks, looking down at me.
I chicken out. “Is the Ben thing going to be a problem?” I ask instead.
He laughs. “No. No, it isn’t.”
“But he keeps flirting with me.”
“Yeah. He is just like that, but he knows I have dibs.”
“Dibs?”
“Yes.” He says rubbing my arm. “We are just friends, but I still have dibs on you. It’s a guy thing. Don’t worry about it.”
“So, he knows you like me then?”
“Anyone with two eyes knows I like you, Abbey. We are not doing a good job at being just friends.”
“No?”
He waves his hand between us. “This isn’t very friendly behavior.”
“It isn’t.”
“You haven’t had many guy friends, have you?” I shake my head. “We are doing everything a couple does minus the sex. But it’s fine.”
I know he has a point. I know we are behaving like a couple. I’ve been in relationships before- not good ones, but enough to know we are acting like a couple who just doesn’t have sex. Now that he said it, I feel like I should put a stop to it.
I move, sitting up a little, and he sighs.
“We can define our friendship however we want.” He pulls me back down against him. “If this is how we choose to be friends, so be it. It just looks like more.”
It feels like more, too.
“Do you think we could be friends no matter what?” I ask a few minutes later.
“Hmm?” He asks, looking back down at me.
“Do you think we could be friends no matter what? Like if you got a girlfriend or I got a boyfriend?”
“Yes. Of course. I mean, I think things would change a little, but I’m always going to have your back, Abbey.”
“You think if we fucked, we could still be friends?” I ask in a whisper, fighting the blush that wants to take over my face at the mention of us having sex.
“Yes.” He pauses. “I think we could be a couple and still be best friends.”
When we finally head back to the bunks, it's around 2:00 a.m. I use the bathroom quickly. I resist the urge to throw up, not just because I know he would know and tell Sue, but because I don’t want to disappoint him. I want to be better for him, I remind myself, and force myself to exit the bathroom.
He uses it after me, and I use that time to change. I take off my bra and change out of my shorts and into pajama bottoms.
I crawl into my bunk and lie down. Sue never gave me a Xanax to take and now I’m feeling nervous about being able to fall asleep and stay asleep. I really have trouble sleeping, that’s when all my urges feel stronger, that’s when all my past mistakes eat me alive. And if I can sleep, I usually have nightmares without my Xanax.
I hear Wes outside the bunk, changing. I’m tempted to watch. I’m tempted to get out of my bunk and climb into his. I’m tempted to fuck him.
I hear him crawl into the bunk across from mine.
“Goodnight Abbey.”
“Goodnight, Wes.”
