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“Good,” she said. She sat at the round table near the window and gestured for me to do the same. “Evan’s been promoted at work, and Carly just found out she’s pregnant again.”
I’d met her kids once or twice when they’d visited for Christmas and birthdays. They were lovely, but didn’t have a lot of spare time. Evan had a high-tech role in computers, and Carly was a librarian, and she had a daughter who looked like a young version of Helen.
Both of them were a long way away: Carly lived in Adelaide, and the last time Helen had mentioned Evan’s location, he was living in Florida.
“Good for them,” I said, and I meant it.
I absently scratched my tattoo through my shirt while I sipped my tea and then remembered I wasn’t supposed to. The aftercare instructions Jackson had given me were very detailed: itching is a normal part of the healing process, but scratching the tattoo might damage it. I pulled my hand away, and Helen frowned at my chest.
“What’s that?”
I looked down. The shirt I was wearing was sleeveless. The high neckline covered the tattoo, but when I’d scratched it, I’d tugged one of the arm holes sideways, making the edge of the phoenix’s wing visible.
“Remember my boyfriend, Nathan?”
Helen nodded. I hadn’t gone into detail about my relationship, but I’d mentioned him in passing.
“Well, he convinced me to have his name tattooed across my chest,” I confessed, and Helen gasped. She’d never seen it — the organization I volunteered through frowned upon visible tattoos, so I went out of my way to cover it up.
“I had no idea… why did you do it?”
I shifted in the chair. This wasn’t something I liked to talk about, especially not when I wanted the focus to stay on Helen. But she was looking at me expectantly, so I had to say something.
“Tattoos are permanent,” I said, as I stared at my teacup. “I wanted the relationship to be permanent, too.”
Helen bristled.
“Well, I’m glad it wasn’t,” she said, and I looked up at her, shocked. Had I misheard her? I could tell from the way her mouth was set that I hadn’t. “You were miserable,” she explained. “You tried to hide it, but I could tell you weren’t happy.”
I was stunned. Had I really been that sad? Nathan was controlling and liked to put me down and call me names, but I thought I’d hidden how I felt.
She reached out and squeezed my hand.
“You seem much calmer now, like you’re at peace with yourself,” she said. “Don’t let anyone take that away from you again.” She smiled. “Take it from me: life’s too short.”
I swallowed back tears. Helen was divorced, and I wondered if her relationship had been like mine. She rarely mentioned her ex-husband, and I didn’t like to pry. All I really knew was that his name was Steve, he left her when the kids were still young, and she’d been single ever since.
“I think you might be right,” I said quietly.
“I know I am,” she said. “And now you can find someone who makes you happy.”
I slurped my tea quicker than I meant to and burned the roof of my mouth.
“Oh no,” I said. “I’ve learned my lesson about believing in love.”
Besides, I don’t know if I’m going to live past forty, a voice in my head said, although I tried not to listen to it. My mom was thirty-nine when she passed away, and not much older than me when she was diagnosed. I knew that her experience didn’t automatically mean I was going to get cancer too, but the statistics were undeniable: having an immediate family member with breast cancer increased my risk. My mom caught her cancer early, but even with the best treatment available, she still died.
I didn’t want to do that to my partner. And Idefinitelydidn’t want to do that to my kids. If I stayed single, I couldn’t hurt anyone. Including myself.
“You’ll change your mind,” Helen said with a bemused smile. “I promise.”
“Maybe.” Pepper jumped on the table and rubbed her dark head against my arm until I petted her, glad for the distraction.
“Pepper, get down,” Helen scolded, and the cat looked at her defiantly before sitting on the table and licking its front paws. Helen rolled her eyes. “She knows she’s not supposed to be up here.”
“She’s probably hungry.” I drained the last of my tea. “I bought a few cans today — give me a minute and I’ll find them.”
As I pulled the groceries out of the bags and stacked them on the counter, I thought about what Helen said.You’ll change your mind. Right now, I couldn’t even imagine being with anyone, especially after how Nathan treated me. But then… my mind drifted back to Jackson, and the moment his hand brushed over my nipple. It felt good — even though it hadn’t been sexual, I missed being touched.
