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I just don't know if I can walk away. I’m drawn to her in a way I haven't ever felt. She makes me feel like the storm inside me is calm. Like I can take a full breath without any pain. Iwantto be a better man for her. So no…this isn’t some fling or me being careless with her feelings. My doubts and fears are real…but I can overcome them. Because Dakota is worth it.
“You’ll end up hurting her, and she doesn't deserve that, Wolf,” Maddox says, his tone soft and imploring, “You're a good man, but you're going to let how Bre treated you cause you to hurt Dakota. She doesn’t deserve that.”
His words hit their mark and I know he's right. I’ll have to work through my own shit before I can even consider being withDakota. But I think part of me has already been working through it. I don’t need to tell them that I plan to fix myself and pursue her. Because words mean fuck all. It’s got to be action. They have to see me want it enough to change.
“It doesn't mean anything,” I grunt out, trying to ignore the way the lie has bile rising in my throat, “This is just a job.”
Maddox looks at me like he doesn't believe me. Like he knows I’m lying through my teeth. But what was I supposed to say? Confess the fact that I am completely obsessed with her and that I want to change the way I have looked at relationships for the last decade? Thats fucking insane without ever even discussing what Dakota wants.
But maybe, just maybe, Dakota is worth that risk. Maybe it's time to reconsider what I've been holding onto so tightly—the fear, the pain, the resolve to never love again. Because if there's even a chance that what I feel for Dakota could grow into something real, something lasting, isn't it worth exploring, despite the risks?
I could sit down and talk to her about this and she could reject me. That’s the only reason I don’t tell my best friends the truth about my desire to pursue something real with Dakota. That and I don’t think they would believe me without actually seeing me put the effort into it.
And if she really doesnt want me? Then I would have told my best friends about how gone I am for a girl who doesn't want me. Again. I can’t find it within myself to admit my fears and my feelings when I haven't even had a chance to sit down and have a conversation with Dakota.
“You know,” Seb starts, glancing nervously at Maddox, “If you actually have feelings for her, it’s okay? We just don't want either of you to get hurt.”
Maddox nods in agreement but doesn't speak.
I almost falter at the honesty and loyalty they are showing. I could tell them….but my pride is in the way. I want a chance to talk to Dakota first. I want to make sure thisthingbetween us is as real for her as it is for me.
So instead of being honest with my two closest friends, I nod and smile at them, even though I'm sure it doesn't reach my eyes, “Like I said, there’s nothing going on.”
Chapter 18
Dakota
"Betrayal is the poison that seeps into your soul, a stark reminder that trust, once shattered, is a mirror that can never be perfectly mended. It leaves you questioning not just the loyalty of others, but the judgment of your own heart." - Unknown
“It doesn't mean anything,” he grunts out, his tone completely devoid of the emotion he has shown me, “This is just a job.”
My heart shatters right then and there. It’s like all my doubts and fears were right. I should have known better than to let that man into my heart. Worse, I let him into my son's life thinking that he might stay. Which is just delusional on my part because he's right.
I feel ridiculously stupid. I was literally heading into the kitchen so that I could ask if he wanted to watch a movie with Aiden and me. I can see how much Aiden likes to be around Wolf, and how he seems to have developed an actual friendship with the big man. So I found myself wondering, hoping againstreason, that Wolf might see something worth staying for after I end up…gone. That even with me out of the picture maybe he would stay in contact with Aiden. Give him another person to lean on.
But the truth hit like a cold wave, washing away any foolish fantasies I harbored. I was a job to him, clear and simple. The harsh reality stings. I was naive to think that there could be more to us than a couple of quick orgasms. It's my own fault that I gave him an extra perk. And what was he supposed to do when I basically threw myself at him? Turn me down and make this more awkward?
The echo of his words,this is just a job, reverberates through the empty spaces of my heart, each syllable a nail in the coffin of what I had foolishly allowed myself to hope could be something more.
No, he let me use his body to get release, and that's all it was. It didn't mean anything to him. I…I didn't mean anything to him.
And yet, despite the hurt, the betrayal, I can't find it in me to be angry with him. Disappointed, yes. Heartbroken, absolutely. But anger? No.
Because, in the end, he never promised me anything. He never hinted at a future beyond the confines of his duty. That was all me—my hopes, my dreams, painting colors on a canvas he never intended to fill.
I think in my heart, I knew it was nothing more than a momentary escape for him, a brief interlude in the grand scheme of things. It didn't carry the weight of emotion or meaning; I was just another part of the job that was willing to help him find release...I was an easy escape. And yet, understanding this intellectually does little to cushion the blow to my heart. Knowing the truth and hearing it spoken aloud are worlds apart.
The latter cuts deeper, leaving a wound that's hard to ignore. But what’s new? When anything starts to look good, it ends up crashing and burning. I know that from experience.
Plus, we weren't going to become anything real anyway. I have a job to do. I have an exchange that has got to happen. So we were on borrowed time anyway. That does not mean I don't wish I could go back and live in blissful ignorance, never having heard his feelings about me. But it doesn’t actually matter, ya know?
At the end of the day, I was never going to be with him because I was never going to stay here. So the fantasy that I made in my head was really just that…a fairytale that my love sick romantic brain conjured up.
Turning from the doorway of the kitchen I head to Aiden's room. I just want to spend my evening with my baby before I have to leave him for good. I want to hear him laugh and tell me all about whatever video game he is currently obsessed with. I want to see him smile while he tells me what he is learning in class. I want to curl up next to him and soak up his presence while I can.
I smile when I get to his doorway and see him leaning back in his bed with his game controller in hand.
“Hey, booger, mind if I hang out?” I ask.
