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KISSES FULL OF DANGER
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Emily
I didn't eat dinner, I just jumped into my bed until I became a baby on the sheets. Every day I realize new things that continue to affect me, traumas that everyone has and they should not feel more stupid for not treating them, simply sometimes people who appear to be perfect believe that having traumas is a sin and that to be successful only It's about power and wanting. Nobody measures how difficult it is to let go of problems that have bothered and affected you for years.
There is a knock on my door, I don't get up, I continue holding my legs while I look at the moon through the window which I didn't cover because I haven't drawn the curtains. Silence is my only friend until they force the door open, their steps slow, measured and tired. With a moan he lets himself sink onto the bed.
—Emily, I don't really understand what fucking need you create for me by always wanting to have you affected by my words, and I'm not referring to the vulgar ones, the night I called youprincipessaeverything detonated in you and knowing that you have desires as deep as I, I don't know, it caught my attention so much.
-If as you say.
—What did I say wrong? —I don't answer, that drives him to move further until he is very close to me, I see him for a few seconds—. What is tormenting you?
-Nothing.
—Don't lie to me, I know that something caused anger to explode inside you. —He caresses my cheek with his fingers—. It was him, right?
I want to be strong, I don't want to be stupid and weak, but I can't. I let myself cry like I was a damn child like he said.
—Emily, what's wrong?
"I don't want to be forced into anything, I don't want to," I sob. I want to be happy, and I don't care who you are, I don't want to make myself a fool who depends on a man's attention and who needs all these comforts —my chest rises and falls—. I don't want him... He said to choose between him or his friend and me... I didn't want to, but he said...
—Oh, stop it, stop it.
With the little strength he has left he manages to remove my hands from my legs, makes me stand up and puts my legs against his. My skin touches his, causing a short circuit that lasts seconds. He's wearing cotton shorts and I can see the bandage around his left thigh.
—I was confident, I swear, I was used to fighting for my causes and my opinions because a man had made me feel bad before, he had made me feel that I was worthless, that no one was going to be interested in me.
—And who did that to you?
-My dad. —I pass my hands removing all the tears—. I was fifteen and... The reason why I hardly talk about this is because it affects me, he made another family apart, but he always returned to my mother and... yes, I am one of those who seems to have everything under control and perfect because I don't want to be told that I'm weak. -Sigh-. Do you know how screwed up it felt to find out he had another daughter? I... My castle fell, he said that he loved me, that he loved me and that that was not a mistake, just a test from God.
-And what did you say?
—Nothing, I... I cried, I felt alienated and rejected, until I grew up and he told me that that was what a mature and exemplary daughter did, mature —I let out a frustrated snort— . I'm so tired of them seeing my face, tired of them minimizing what I feel because my career... It always makes me weak, an intelligent woman wasting time with children? That's from sensitive women and they say it's from people who couldn't do anything better. —I remove my legs from his to sit next to him—. I forgave him even if I didn't want to, my heart asked me to and even though I love him Fabian always used him against me making that shit hurt again.
He puts his hands on the bed to lean on him, gently moves his leg so he can extend it.
—What happened to Fabian?
—The day we met I told you that I had done something disgusting and perverted with him, so that after we left him he would kick me out of the apartment that I paid for in full—I sniff. I didn't feel comfortable doing those things with him, I was always disgusted by the abuse and you can say I'm stupid for not getting out of it sooner. It's my fault. I know, that's why I'm looking for this time to be different because I'm not going to have emotional dependence and much less will I stoop to experiencing that abuse," I say severely. The crying goes away. His friend was there, he told me that he wanted to try it that way because he had the fantasy after seeing his porn actress on screen.
—Porn addict I see.
—It doesn't bother me, watching it doesn't make you unfaithful to me because it is a means of communication for adults that makes you have a certain satisfaction when watching and listening, for me it doesn't bother me as long as I am respected and there are no comments towards me. that caliber as a comparison because porn is for fantasizing and entertaining, I don't think it's so that in life you go looking for people who are into porn or addicted to it, people come, but they are not sought for what they do because you would be categorizing the person.
When I turn to see him, he raises his eyebrows quite surprised, I downplay it by resuming the conversation we were having.
"I wanted to try a threesome, like I said, I didn't like any of that with him because of all the abuse I let him go through," I explain more calmly. And I refused until he told me to leave, to do it, but there was the other side—I took a breath—:Because you need me, without me you don't live, you don't breathe, you're damn addicted to being taken care of like a damn child because daddy has one. ..Another family and you always wanted to be unique in the life of that man you loved so much.
He finished the entire sentence as he would have done, it was always the same, everything was repeated several times until he remembered the dialogues.
—I was in there because of me, because I wanted everything to go back to how it was before when he was less cruel to me, that didn't happen because Fabian was always like that and he only pretended to get me —I trace circles on my legs—. And it was my first, I haven't had other people in my life, so I was made to believe that everything he did was okay. Besides, dad didn't care who my mom was with... She didn't get out of that circle of deceit, of double family, of sharing everything with someone else... We grow up with what we see, hear and many times it screws us .
I leave my palms still against my thighs, turn to face him and raise my feet, bending my legs to be comfortable.
