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When Vittorio told me, at the end of that dance while I was breathing heavily, that I could ask for whatever I wanted and it would be mine, I was too numb from the state of intoxication that those first contacts with an unknown side of the Don had put me in.
I distinctly remember the feeling of electricity that coursed through my body when his lips touched the corner of my mouth that night. I remember the world going out as we twirled around that room and the feeling of abandonment that came over me when the song ended, and our bodies separated.
I didn't have the breath or reasoning capacity at that moment to understand the magnitude of the words spoken by Vittorio on that dance floor. He said I could ask for anything, anything, and it would be mine.
And even though I thought about that statement a few times in the days that followed, it always got lost in the memories of the moments before it.
It was the recent, maddening internal debate I delved into over whether or not to ask Vittorio's permission for something he theoretically knew I would do that reminded me that I could ask for much more than just his permission.
“To work as a maid?” he questions, not hiding from his tone how absurd he really thinks I am being.
“No, to see my sister.”
CHAPTER 55
________
Vittorio Cataneo
I can't say I wasn't expecting it. Gabriella is always very transparent about how she feels. Her gestures and expressions often come before her words, and even so, the girl uses them regularly even if she doesn't always use everything necessary to say what she needs.
The last few weeks, for example, were a mishmash of clippings that led my thoughts through everything that was or wasn't being told by Gabriella. At night, in the pool, when she told me that she wasn't able to float because her head was too full of memories, she lit the first warning sign in my mind.
I was always intrigued by the way Gabriella dealt with her forced separation from her younger sister, the one she cared for. When I met her, mybambinadidn't care about her own life, but she was already capable of anything for the child's sake. Just another one of the things about her that I can't understand but have never been able to stop myself from admiring.
However, until very recently, Gabriella had never given any verbal sign that she was thinking about the girl, and even non-verbal signs were almost non-existent. She never approached any of the children on the property, and every time we went out, Gabriella would look away if we passed a girl the same age as Raquel. These and other small unconscious gestures told me much more than her silence. I knew the question would come upat some point. What makes me watch Gabriella's expectant face without saying anything for a while is the fact that she is using the favor I granted her for this. The choice is, at the same time, predictable and unbelievable.
Predictable if we consider her pattern of always putting others before herself and, unbelievable, because, even so, being able to ask for anything, she is asking for something that simply offers her no possibility of control.
“And what are you going to do after seeing her?” I decide to ask.
“That's what I wanted the money for from work. I would like to take care of my sister in some way, even if it's paying from a distance, someone to take care of her, to buy her medicine.”
“You only earned the right to one request.” I remind her, and Gabriella runs her tongue over her lips.
“Are you telling me that I can either see her or support her?”
“I'm asking you, Gabriella, what do you really want?” I shouldn't lead the conversation down this path knowing what I know.
My eyes glance at the drawer where the envelope Dario gave me this afternoon was kept while I decided what to do with the information contained therein. Apparently, La Santa had already decided the course of things before I had the chance to do so.
“I... I...” She rehearses a response but falls silent.
“Because it seems to me that you knew exactly what my answers to your questions would be,bambina. And yet, you came here, not because you had requests to make of me, but because you expected me to decide for you. Is this what you want? To let me decide what you should do about your sister?”The silence settles between us, and Gabriella doesn't make any move to break it, so I do. “Why now?”
“Because I hadn't thought about it, not until a few weeks ago.”
“Why?”
“I was afraid of how it would make me feel,” she confesses without needing to be pressed, and I raise my hand to caress her cheek.
“What has changed?” I ask and this time the answer takes a little longer to arrive.
“Me?”
“Is that a question or an answer,Bella mia?”
“I used to feel guilty for refusing to think about something I knew would hurt me. Now I just feel like anything I do to protect myself isn't something I should blame myself for.”
