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“Not at all the same thing.”
“True enough, I suppose.” When the doors open, I lead her to my black Camaro, refusing to think about any future kids that Alina and I may or may not have. I always imagined that one day we’d have a family, but now I’m not even sure if that’s something she’ll want.
I open the door for her, helping her in before walking to the driver’s side. She looks over at me, voicing what I’m worrying about.
“Would you be okay with our kids taking over?”
Unable to hide my smile, she sees it and her face falls. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that.”
“Hey.” Cupping her face, I turn her towards me. “Why do you look so sad? You know I’m not expecting anything, right? I’d love to have a family with you one day, Alina, but there’s no rush. You’re only twenty,malishka. We have plenty of time.”
“I always wanted kids with you, Matvey,” she admits. “I wasn’t in any rush to get pregnant or anything, but I always imagined a little boy with eyes as dark as yours and a little girl who’d look at you like you were her hero.” She gives a soft smile. “Maybe he’d be quiet like you and she’d love to read books like me.”
“We can still have them, Alina. Whenever you’re ready.”
“What if I’m never ready?” Her question is a soft whisper in the car, and I hate how scared and unsure she seems. “What if he’s ruined that for me, too?”
I kiss her forehead. “He hasn’t ruined anything, but if you decide you don’t want kids, then we won’t have them. You and I will grow old together, and we’ll surround ourselves with our nieces and nephews, and I will be so fucking happy just to have you.”
“I don’t want you to feel like you’re stuck with me,” she starts to say, but I quickly cut her off.
“Don’t,malishka,just don’t. I know this is hard for you, and I know it’s going to take a long time for you to get him out of your head, and I will be with you every step of the way and do everything I can to help you, but there’s one thing I can’t tolerate and that’s you doubting how I feel about you.”
“I don’t doubt how you feel about me. I just feel like a selfish ass, like I’m keeping you from a happy future with a normal woman who can give you what you need.”
I caress her cheek with my thumb. “And what do I need,malishka?”
She avoids my eyes when she says, “Sex and happiness and kids.” After a second she adds, “Someone who can sleep through the damn night. Hell, someone who can kiss you goodnight and then sleep through the night without waking up from a nightmare.”
When I’m sure she’s finished, I kiss her forehead again. “See? I can kiss you goodnight, and I don’t mind holding you when you wake up scared, and you make me so goddamn happy. We already talked about kids, and as far as sex goes, I wish you wouldn’t worry about it.”
“It’s not fair to you.”
“Let me worry about that. If I could survive you grinding against me without losing my mind, I can survive anything.”
She gives me a faint smile. “Will you promise me something?”
“Anything.”
“Promise me you’ll let me go if it becomes too much. I swear I won’t make you feel bad. I love you too much to do that. I just don’t want you staying with me out of guilt or a sense of duty. I would hate that.”
I think about what she’s said, knowing there’s no way in hell it’ll ever happen. With a sigh, I search her eyes, memorizing every detail of the pretty blue-green color. “One day you’ll understand how much I love you.”
“You’re not going to promise me?”
“I promise you, Alina. I promise you it’ll never fucking happen.”
Before she can argue, I kiss her nose and sit back in my seat, starting the car and waiting for her to put her seatbelt on before driving us out of the parking garage. She stares out the window the whole way, taking in the city as it passes by.
“Let me know if there’s anything you want to do or anywhere you want to go.”
“It’s so different from Moscow.” She’s quiet for a few minutes, and thenshe says, “He took me to St. Petersburg first, and then we went to Berlin. He took me with him to a few different cities, but we mainly stayed in Berlin. I wasn’t allowed to leave, though, or go outside.”
I swallow the rage that threatens to take control at the thought of her being locked up and tormented day after day. Reaching over, I squeeze her thigh. “We can do anything you want,malishka.”
She rests her hand on top of mine and nods. Her fingers fidget against my skin before she caresses my scarred palm. Alina’s never shied away from my scars. The first time I took my shirt off in front of her, she’d kissed a path along my back, whispering how beautiful she thought I was. I can still remember the feel of her breath on my skin. I’ve never felt self-conscious in front of her. She’s the only person who can make me forget about the fire and the pain and the sound of my sister’s screams.
After a few minutes, she asks, “He’s still alive, right?”
