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“Oh my god,” I whisper, thinking about how we were all together just a few hours ago, playing pool and laughing, and every single one of them saw me like this. They saw me naked and abused and on full fucking display because Katya didn’t shy away from details. Her nightmares were vivid, and she captured every damn bit of it in an effort to purge them from her mind. The trouble is her purging has had the opposite effect for me. It hasn’t expelled my demons from my mind; it’s exposed them to everyone I know and love. My most vulnerable, horrific moments spread out for all to see.
“My brother saw me like this?” I whisper the question, but I already know the answer. My face heats with shame and embarrassment and when I close the book and toss it aside, Matvey doesn’t stop me.
“I’m so sorry.”
I let go of his arm and stand, not sure where I’m going or what I should do, but knowing I desperately need a few minutes to myself.
“Alina, please,” he starts to say when I take a few steps from him, but I cut him off.
“Please, Matvey, I just need a few minutes.”
He nods, hands by his sides and clenched into fists in an effort to keep himself in check. Giving me what I want goes against every instinct he has, but he does it as I walk past and disappear into the bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind me.
Gripping the edge of the counter, I face my reflection, hating the person I see staring back at me. It’s the same face from those damn drawings, the same body that was forced to do unspeakable things with a man I despise, and the same mind that can’t break free of him. The dark ink of my tattoo catches my attention, and when I look down at the black viper circled around my wrist, it’s his goddamn voice I hear, taunting me as the memories come crashing down.
"This tattoo means I own you, pet. It means you’re mine, it means you’ll always be mine, and there’s not a fucking thing you can do about it. You are nothing but my plaything, and when I tire of you, I’m going to kill you and get another. Your life is meaningless apart from the pleasureyou bring me. Remember that every time you look at your wrist. Let the snake remind you of the truth.”
He’d circled his hand around my wrist, gripping the still-tender flesh until I’d winced.
“This tattoo is as good as a collar around your neck,” he’d hissed in my ear. “Maybe I should have him add my name, hmm? A nice message of ‘If found please return to…’ What do you think, pet?”
With a gasp, I pull myself from the memory, knowing what I need to do. I open the drawers, pawing through the contents of each one until I find what I’m looking for. Dangerous men are never too far from a weapon, so I’m not at all surprised when I see a knife tucked into the back of one drawer. Pushing past the cotton balls and Q-tips, I wrap my fingers around the grey metal, pulling the knife out and flicking it open with the push of a button. The blade slides out, sharp and lethal, and this time when I face my reflection, I’m smiling.
I’m never going to look down at my wrist and see that fucking tattoo again. Bringing the blade to my skin, I grit my teeth and press down. The knife is razor sharp, slipping into my skin with very little effort. It takes my body a second to catch up. I see the skin part, watch the vibrant splash of red as it fills the cut and spills over, and only then does the pain hit. Even with my teeth clenched tightly together, I can’t stop the pained moan from escaping.
“Alina!”
“I’m fine,” I quickly say, but my words are shaky, and when I make another cut, severing the black snake, he starts pounding on the door.
“Let me in, baby!”
I ignore him, desperate to get this thing off me. I try not to cut too deeply, but with all the blood it’s impossible to tell. The pain consumes me, but I’ve dealt with pain before, and I know how to shove it aside. I’m more worried about Matvey stopping me before I can finish. The door shakes in the frame when he hits it again, and I know he’s going to break through it any second. I have no idea how to skin a tattoo off, so all I can do is slice at it and hope like hell I’m at least damaging it enough to make it impossible to tell what it is. I’d rather have a wrist ofmangled scar tissue than that fucking tattoo. At least I’ll know that I gave it to myself. When I hear the loud bang of the door splintering open, I give one last cut, but as soon as I do it, I realize my mistake. The blade sinks into my inner wrist, cutting too deeply and sending a cascade of blood down my hand and onto the floor.
“No!” Matvey’s terrified yell fills the bathroom as he runs to me, catching me right as my knees give out and I start to fall.
“Baby, no,” he cries, gripping my wrist tightly to stop the blood while his other arm wraps around me, cradling me against him.
“I’m sorry,” I cry. “I didn’t mean to.”
“What’s going on? Are you okay?”
Danil’s voice is panicked as he rushes in, and when he sees me in Matvey’s arms and the blood that’s quickly covering the two of us, he hisses out a curse and grabs his phone before rushing back out of the room.
Matvey’s dark eyes search mine, and the pain in his hurts far worse than the damage I just did to myself.
“I will never be without you again,malishka,” he whispers, pressing his forehead against mine. “If you go, I go.”
“Matvey,” I start to say, but his forehead slowly rolls against mine with the soft shake of his head. “Don’t bother arguing with me. There’s no changing my mind. Your last breath will be my last breath. My heart stops with yours.”
I try to tell him that I didn’t mean to cut so deeply, that killing myself was never my intention, but he’s already lifting me up and carrying me out of the bathroom as everything starts to grow fuzzy. I fade in and out, barely remembering the frantic shouts of my family before a quick elevator ride and then the sound of an engine revving and the sharp squeal of tires on concrete. Matvey holds me tightly against him, squeezing my wrist the whole way, not caring that he’s still bare chested, even though it’s snowing outside. Somehow through all the chaos, one of them thought to grab a blanket, because right after we leave the parking garage, I feel the warmth of it against my skin. I recognize the tattooed hands as they tuck it in around me.
“Thanks, Lev,” I whisper.
He pats my head in a comforting move that he’s been doing since I was little. “Just rest,” he tells me. “We’re taking you to Dominic’s. Dr. Bianchi’s waiting.”
I sigh against Matvey’s chest, feeling a wave of guilt hit me. I never meant for this to happen. I didn’t want to worry everyone, and I sure as hell didn’t plan for everyone to think I was trying to kill myself. I just wanted his mark off my skin.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper against Matvey’s chest.
