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“Because this place nearly suffocated me!” Sawyer shouted.
Luke took a step back, looking shocked that Sawyer had actually said it. Sawyer was shocked as well, but he’d intended on not lying, right? So here they were, staring across the kitchen at each other in stunned silence. Then Luke started nodding as if understanding something.
“Right, we suffocated you. Good to know.”
“Notyou,” Sawyer groaned, rubbing a hand over his face. “Just the town, this place, it was so small and I wanted bigger things. I wanted to leave and explore and party and all of the other stuff you’re supposed to do when you’re young and stupid, not that any of it made a difference. I’ve enjoyed being back here. That’s the truth of it, whether you believe me or not. Maybe I’ve changed or something?”
“Changed?” Luke scoffed. “Sorry to inform you, but no, you haven’t changed a bit, Sawyer.”
A thousand other things could be said, shouted back and forth between them. Heck, they could tear the whole place apart fighting with each other till the sun rose. But hearing that, Sawyer felt all of the energy drain from his body in one fell swoop because it was obvious that Luke didn’t really know whohe was. More importantly, it seemed like he had no interest in learning.
“All right.” Sawyer sighed, suddenly so tired that he could have fallen asleep right there on the kitchen floor. “I’m done.”
“Good to know because God forbid the world turns on any schedule but yours.”
Sawyer didn’t even answer this time, not willing to feed into Luke’s desire to keep fighting. He turned and headed out of the kitchen and towards the front door, picking up his boots along the way. It was nighttime in a small town, so there wasn’t anywhere he could really go. He just knew he couldn’t stay here.
As his hand gripped the door handle, he heard Luke’s voice again.
“Yeah, just leave, Sawyer. Do what you’re best at.”
Sawyer slammed the door shut and cut off Luke before he had to hear another word.
CHAPTER 14
SAWYER
Sawyer hadn’t physically been able to go back into the house. It was like a spell had been cast, some sort of curse from a fairy tale, and his hand would seize up every time he went to grab at the door handle, his footsteps freezing him in place. There were only so many times he could wander around the farm before it got too dark to see where he was going and too cold to want to bother going anywhere. He could have hidden away in the barn, secluded and out of sight like a criminal evading justice, but the horses were in for the night. Seeing them just made him think of Josie, about how he was just this black stain that had come along and stained her too when she was the brightest thing around, how she’d be better off without him. They all would.
So Sawyer ended up sitting on the porch steps, back to the door that he still couldn’t open. He sat there till it was well past midnight and everything was silent around him, nothing but the stars and the crickets awake at this hour, his legs numb beneath him as he stared out across the dark ranch with a blank expression. Something that had brought him so much peaceover the last few weeks now felt like a punishment, an open sort of prison.
Maybe in the back of his mind he was hoping that Luke would come outside, that some way to fix things would present itself like a different sort of magic spell, one that would make everything better. But the door didn’t open. Not from the outside or the inside, and Sawyer felt stuck out on the porch.
Maybe it was just because he was a coward. Luke’s words ricocheted around his head like stray bullets, each one hurting because it was all true. He’d lost them the sale that would have given Luke and Sandy a new start in life because of careless words said to a town gossip. He hadn’t called. Hadn’t visited. Had he really thought a couple of weeks of repairs would make up for it all? No… but he’d thought it would be worthsomething.
He didn’t fit here. There was no Sawyer-shaped space left for him, no slot to slide back into. It didn’t matter if that truth hurt; it was the truth, nonetheless. And staying here, trying to make a space for himself, was just hurting everyone else.
And that included Josie. That hurt worse than anything.
Sawyer rubbed his face with his cold hands, wanting to scrub off his skin and start fresh. Unfortunately, he was stuck with himself. The rest of them didn’t have to be stuck with him, though.
He craned his neck, looking back up at the house, the windows dark and uninviting, the door firmly shut. He shouldn’t be here. He’d come back thinking it was the right thing to do, but it had been too little and too late. He’d just messed everything up even more and dragged Josie into the mess as well. He should haveleft when the repairs had been finished. Maybe he should never have come at all.
Sawyer stood, knees popping from sitting still for so long, and climbed up the porch stairs. He forced himself to grab the door handle and swing it open even though it felt like biting into aluminum foil, setting every nerve on edge. Part of him was surprised that Sandy or Luke hadn’t locked the door on him, followed by more guilt for thinking that they would ever do that. No matter what, neither his brother nor his fiancée would ever lock him out. They were still decent people at heart. After Luke’s detailed list of Sawyer’s lifetime of screwing up, Sawyer wasn’t sure he had a heart anymore. Right now it sure didn’t feel like it. He felt cold, inside and out.
He climbed the stairs with soft steps, always stealthy despite his size, walking past Luke and Sandy’s bedroom, which radiated the energy of people who were deeply asleep, and went to his own room.
He packed as quietly as he had walked. It didn’t take that long; he hadn’t brought much with him, expecting to leave much sooner. Sawyer kept his mind blank as he shoved his clothes and laptop into his duffel bag, focusing on remaining quiet so that he didn’t wake the others down the hall. He’d ruined so much for them that the least he could do was not ruin a good night’s sleep.
He made it back down to the kitchen in almost complete silence, not bothering to turn any lights on in the house he still knew so well from his childhood, the corners and angles seared into his memory forever.
There was a little notepad on the kitchen counter they used to write out grocery lists and Sawyer tore off a clean sheet to write a note for Luke.
I’m sorry.
That’s all he wrote down. Everything else that needed to be said had been said in the heat of their cataclysmic fight. Anything else he wrote down would just be trying to save face, trying to sugarcoat things. So he kept it simple. Luke deserved an apology and to be left in peace, and that is what he would get. He tore another sheet of paper off and took it with him as he left the house, refusing to look back, refusing to think of how much his feelings had changed about the place in the short amount of time he’d been back, refusing to feel much of anything really. He threw his duffle bag into the back of his car and forced himself to go into the barn.
Flicking on one of the smaller lights by the door was enough to see by as he crept inside. Indy and Clyde whickered a little, pricking their ears towards him in curiosity, but the horses didn’t freak out, familiar enough with him that they kept quiet even though he’d disturbed them.
