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That was extra salt in the wound. Knowing that without Josie’s influence, he probably wouldn’t have spent any time around the animals. He wouldn’t have taken care of the remaining cattle either. In fact, he would have gone home as soon as possible if it weren’t for her. She was the only thing that was making him falter now. If he left Willow Ridge, and it was surely for the final time because who would want him back, he would be leaving her.
Facts. He needed to focus onfacts. It was only ever meant to be a fling, a short-term thing between the two of them, because he was never meant to stay. It hadn’t meant to be a thingat all. It wasjust that stupid afternoon at the creek where she’d looked so beautiful with drops of water scattered amongst her freckles…
Sawyer shook his head in an effort to clear it back to the blank state it had been in before. They’d both known it was a short-term deal; that’s why they’d kept quiet about it. And they’d kept quiet because it would be more drama added to an already messy household. Thewhole thingwas a mess. Luke had definitely been right about that. Sawyer didn’t think with his head; he thought about who he was going to take to bed.
Josie deserved someone who would stick around. Someone who didn’t have a whole other life waiting for them. She deserved goodness, and Sawyer honestly didn’t know if he had enough of that in him to warrant even being in her presence. She deserved better than whatever he was; that was the crux of it.
And she deserved someone who wasn’t a coward because the thought of telling her any of this face-to-face was enough to make him physically sick. The least he could do was leave a note, but in the faint light of the barn, his pen hovered over the sheet of paper without the faintest idea of what to write.
“I’m sorry”carried the weight of his and Luke’s entire argument. It was simple and to the point, which is what they should have been all along. It was the right thing to leave for Luke to find in the morning, but somehow, two words wouldn’t be enough for Josie. She’d always managed to get him talking in ways no one else could.
Sawyer put pen to paper and wrote the words that he thought she deserved, the final thing he could give her before disappearing from her life and leaving her room to flourish without him there weighing her down, holding her back and staining her black with his existence.
He tucked the note into the bucket where she kept all of the brushes for grooming the horses. She used it every day, and hewas certain she’d see it. Hating himself, his fingers lingered over it for a few seconds more before he tore himself away, shut up the barn, climbed into his car and drove back to the life where he wouldn’t cause so much trouble.
He got back to Houston once the sun was already well into the sky, the heat of the day baking the city till it was practically cooking the throngs of people out on the sidewalks. It was bizarre to see so many people around again, to not know their names or faces as he passed them by.
Opening the door to his apartment was a whole other level of strange. It was cool and dark inside, with all of the blinds still drawn against the Houston heat. It smelled of dust and cleaning products, everything bare and empty, just the way Sawyer had left it. He wandered through the space and opened up windows, letting daylight in where he could, craning to see even a sliver of sky around the buildings that rose up around him. He’d gotten so used to the smell of the ranch house, the wood and the atmosphere of it, that now the apartment seemed sterile. It seemed like a museum. No wonder he was always out at parties, out at training, justoutand anywhere that wasn’t here. It felt like a museum. It felt like a tomb.
It was so empty. No photos, no trinkets. Nothing that you would immediately be able to look at and identify as belonging to Sawyer. Nothing but his football gear, emblazoned with his name and number. If this was a tomb, he was the ghost haunting it.
Sawyer unpacked his bag and made a list of what groceries he needed to order. He went through the motions of getting hislife back into order, getting it how itshouldbe. Because this is where he belonged. This was where he fit. He would keep telling himself that until he believed it.
CHAPTER 15
JOSIE
Josie was at the Butler Ranch earlier than usual. She hadn’t slept well the night before. She’d been expecting Sawyer to text or call, letting her know what Luke had wanted so badly, but he never had. Luke hadn’t texted her either though, and that struck her as weird. She thought he might have let her know that Sawyer had turned up even if he didn’t say exactly what was going on.
Josie refrained from texting Sandy about it if only so she didn’t feel like she was being desperate about something that ultimately meant nothing. Luke had been wondering where his brother was. Nothing sinister about it. Except Josie had known Luke for so long now… She could practically hear his tone of voice in each text he sent, like a sixth sense. Something hadn’t been quite right, and to hear nothing about it… it was unsettling. Like the way animals sense a storm coming while the sky is still blue. She’d feed the horses, turn them out for the day and then grab the first Butler brother she could find and grill them about what had happened. Then everything would be fine and she could have her sanity back.
The horses whinnied at her as soon as Josie flung the barn doors open. Eager for an early breakfast, Indy stamped her foot like an impatient toddler.
“Calm down,” Josie scolded, sighing as she saw the state Clyde had gotten himself into overnight. He’d rolled in his stall and had sawdust and hay over every inch of his body, his mane sticking up like a mohawk and watching her with large, innocent eyes.
“Really?” Josie said dryly. “You have a party in here last night or something?”
Clyde just smacked his lips while Indy stamped her foot again, preferring food over conversation.
“You, sir, can get groomed before you get breakfast. And it’s your own fault too.”
She went to her bucket full of brushes, set up near a few bags of feed and the halters, and saw a corner of a piece of note paper sticking out from the rim. Josie’s stomach sank through the floor, quickly followed by her heart, her hand frozen in midair as she stared at the paper’s corner. It was something innocent, surely. Something that didn’t matter, a scrap of paper that had ended up there by accident. It meant nothing.
But her instincts, the ones that had sensed a coming storm and kept her up all night, were screaming like an air raid siren, drowning out every other sound in the world. Why did she suddenly feel like she wasn’t going to be able to find Sawyer anywhere, no matter how hard she looked? Why did she already know that was exactly what had happened? Could she just be wrongfor once, please? Just let her be wrong. Please.
With her hands suddenly clammy and cold, Josie forced herself to reach into the bucket and pull out the neatly folded sheet of notepaper. Her hand was shaking as she read.
I’m sorry. I messed things up badly and I’m sure Luke will be more than happy to tell you every detail. So I’ll just say again that I’m sorry and I’d repeat it forever if I could.
I don’t belong here, even though I’d like to. You deserve someone who fits into your world without knocking it down in the process. I shouldn’t have made your life so complicated for no good reason. It made me happy, which is selfish, but it’s the truth. I’ve been selfish about a lot of things. Thank you for the happiness.
Sawyer
She had to sit down. She would be able to think better if she sat down. Then it would all make sense and the world would stop spinning, and everything would be all right. Josie ended up on a bale of hay, staring at the note, reading it again and again until the blood rushing in her ears settled down enough so that she was able to hear again.
He had left. Sawyer had left. What had he done that made him think that the only option was to leave? What had made him think that he didn’t belong here? He had written that she had made him happy, so why didn’t he stay then? Had she done something? Said something?
Too many questions were rushing through her brain to even keep track of them all, let alone answer them. So Josie pulled out her phone, staring at the black screen for who knew how long. She froze between the options of calling or not calling, unable tomake a decision. Her hand refused to move, to even unlock the home screen, so she shoved it back in her pocket, tears stinging her eyes.
