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I laughed. I closed my eyes, threw my head back, andlaughed out loud.
“Me?!” I stared at him with wide eyes, the laughter still leaving me in bursts as I tried to control it. “You’re asking me if I’m okay?!”
“Based on this reaction I’m going to guess no, honestly.”
“I’m fine!” I leaned forward, placing my hand on top of his and squeezing it lightly. “Maeteo, I’m fine. Please don’t worry about me right now.”
“I always worry about you.” He sighed, his eyes twinkling as a small smile graced his face again. I shook my head, still laughing as I let my fingers slip through his.
“You don’t need to,” I said softly, the hysterical laughter having stopped and the somber atmosphere of the room returning. “Really, Maeteo, I’m okay. I… I know what I’m doing here.”
Maeteo and I stared at each other for so long that I lost track of time. The room darkened around us even more so, and the sounds of people moving around the corridors outside died off again.
Sitting here, holding his hand and staring at his wonderful, beautiful face, I realised that I had not been in love with him as I once thought I had been. Infatuated, maybe. Reliant on him when my life got turned on its head, definitely. But in love with him? Not entirely. I loved him as a friend, a confidant, and a part of my life,but I could not see myself with him thirty years from now. Greying and sitting on a golden throne with him at my side.
Maeteo’s thumb moved in comforting circles on the back of my hand, his eyes never leaving mine as we sat together.
“What are you thinking about?” Maeteo asked, finally. I swallowed past the lump in my throat, forcing a smile onto my face as I looked at him. He looked exhausted.
“About how you must be tired.” I said softly, moving to stretch my legs slightly. After so long with them curled up under me, my feet had turned to pins and needles, and I winced as the blood flow returned to them slowly. “Are you in pain? Do you need me to call for the healers?”
Maeteo shook his head.
“No, I’ve had so much Valerian root recently I’m worried I’ll turn into it.” He quipped, making me laugh. “Now tell me the truth.”
“That was the truth.” I sighed, shaking my head. “I’m worried about you, Maeteo. You’re my… You’re my best friend.”
Maeteo blinked, and blinked again, before a smile started to come across his face. His eyes seemed far away, like something was happening inside his mind, something only he could see. I flushed under the weight of his stare, but as he lifted his hand to cup my cheek, I knew I hadmade the right choice in telling him that.
“You’re not mine to love, are you?” He whispered, and I shook my head slowly. His smile stayed there, even though his eyes were sad. “Mum told me that.”
“Your mum?” I asked, my eyebrows furrowing, worry that Maeteo was lost for good flooding my senses. “Your mum… Maeteo, your mum died.”
To my surprise, he laughed.
“I know that,” He laughed, rubbing his thumb across my cheek slowly. “I saw her. When I was… you know, before they got me back. I saw mum.”
My mouth fell open to reply, but no words came to me. He had truly been that close to dying, and all because I could not control my own emotions. I swallowed, and then swallowed again, looking away from where Maeteo sat propped up in bed, to the torn shirt on the floor. In the darkness of the room, I could only just make out the shape of it. But the memory of it lying there, ripped in two and blackened, clung to the back of my eyelids.
What would I have done if I had killed him? What would Tarian and Hollis have done? My kingdom already thought me a traitor, if I had killed Maeteo, that would have only cemented that opinion. My heart sunk in my chest at the thought.
“I’m sorry, Maeteo.” I whispered, turning my head back to look at him.
His head was still turned towards me, but his eyes had slipped closed. His hand had fallen away from my face and lay resting on my thigh, and his breathing was slowing, but he smiled.
“It’s okay, Your Majesty.” He mumbled, his voice drifting away as he gave in to the sleep that was taking him.
“What, no Princess?” I quipped, moving off the bed and pulling his covers up slightly more, worried about him being cold. He laughed lightly, opening his eyes, but they did not seem focused as he took me in.
“No, no Princess.” He whispered, and I reached forward, pushing his hair off his face again, my fingers lingering on his skin for maybe a second too long. “You’re my Queen. It is time I treated you as such.”
~~~
My feet crunched against the leaves as I made my way through the small forest towards Leo’s hut.
The chill in the wind had gotten worse since I had left the castle, and I was regretting not grabbing my cloak as I pushed through the overgrown greenery. Maeteo had fallen asleep as soon as he had finished speaking, and I had sneaked from his bedroom on the balls of my feet. The corridors had been deserted, and I contemplated going to fetch Gracie to come with me, but I thought better of it when I spotted the trees battling against thewind to stay standing upright.
If I wanted to get in control of my magic, I needed to gain control of my emotions. As I walked, the same, acidic burning pained my chest, and I grit my teeth against it. It would do more harm than not if I erupted in the middle of the forest, so I focused on the noise of the wind through the leaves, the cries of woodland animals as they found their way home, and the welcome chill that the wind brought to my skin.
