Page 101 of Stand and Defend


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“The things you said back there—” I say, wanting to know where he stands.

“Let’s not talk about it.”

“Why?”

“I got carried away.”

A long, drawn out silence sits between us.He regrets it.He got lost in the moment, coming off an adrenaline rush with Bryan, and I took it for more than it was. I lie there awkwardly. Not knowing how to respond.

“Come home with me for Thanksgiving,” he mumbles against my skin.

What the hell?No.

“I’m not going to meet your parents.”

“Why not? They’re cool people.”

I push out of his grasp and crane my neck to look back at him.He won’t talk about the things he said twenty minutes ago but now wants me to go home with him for Thanksgiving?

“Because it would be crossing a line.”

His arms circle my body, and he rolls me on top of him. I rest my cheek on his chest, not wanting to look into his eyes—it’s overly personal for how fragile I am in this moment.

“All I’m saying is it’s safer this way, I can enjoy my Thanksgiving dinner without having to worry if Bryan shows up while I’m gone.”

Oh.

He doesn’t press me for an answer, so I don’t give one. I’m not completely opposed to it, it’s logical. However, our arrangement may be too difficult to maintain. Lines are blurring. Perhaps it’s better to put an end to this before it’s too late. I have to stop looking for something that isn’t there.

Friends with benefits are all we’ll ever be.

Eventually our breaths even out and the sound of his steady heartbeat lulls me to sleep.

35

My sisters have had their eye on me since we sat down to eat. My gaze continues to land on Jordan, and they notice. Not sure if it’s happening because I want to look at her or because I’m tryingnotto. Like when someone tells you not to think about pink squirrels, but suddenly, there’s a million of those little magenta bastards hopping around your brain.

Hailey and Alexis study me as if I’m some freak experiment. They’re scrutinizing every interaction I have with her. Cutting their eyes at each other every time I’m caught staring or giving her the girlfriend treatment. I see it but can’t explain it, nor can I stop.

This all began because I offered her refuge from a bad situation. When did I forget she’s simply a girl I’m helping? Did it happen the day I invited her on the back of my bike? The night we got high and first had sex? The next few times after that... Was it the night I kissed her at the game, or all the birthday festivities that took place after?Shit.Her feelings haven’t changed toward me, she’s still on that page, but I’m not.Whoeven am I anymore?

“Can you pass the mashed potatoes?” my dad asks.

I glance up at her, she nudges my mom, laughing at some joke she made. My mom tries, but she’s not funny. My sister cheers glasses with her over something else. Everyone is falling for her charm. Well, everyone except Logan, who apparently has tunnel vision with Kelly—who also seems to enjoy Jordan, or at least her dog.

“Cam?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah.” I grab the bowl and pass it down. “Here you go.”

She’s got us all under her fucking spell. I gotta pull back, it’s the only logical choice. Let her move out, get her own space, have everything return to normal. She’ll be like the Facebook friends you meet at a concert and never speak to again. We shared an experience, but now it’s over.

That’s the best course of action. The problem is, I don’t want to. She’s too tempting. Why should we stop? I’m interested in finding out what would happen if we made it something more. It’s a unique arrangement. I like Jordan. I enjoy her company, and I want to know more about her for reasons outside of sex.

It doesn’t need a label, but it needs to be exclusive. After seeing her flirt at Top Shelf with another man, it made me want to throw up, and I realized I’m not willing to share her with another person.

Fuck, why am I even thinking about this? I return focus to the table conversations and listen in on my dad and Jordan discussing some investment opportunity that landed on his desk.

“Wait, did you say Bluetower?”

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