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“But don’t you think you deserve more? Someone who loves you.” Reeve gives me a bashful grin. “I thought I knew what that meant, but being with Ivy… Loving her is the best thing I’ve ever done,” he says simply. “I want you to have that, too.”
I pause. “So do I,” I agree quietly, tears stinging in the back of my throat.
God, do I want it.
When Josh looks at me… when his eyes crinkle at the edges every time he shoots me a smile… When he’s moving, slow, inside me…
I want him with me, always.
“So, what’s holding you back?” Reeve asks.
I give a jerky shrug, emotional. “I’ve never done it before. I’ve never leapt,” I admit. “I built this life for me and Lottie, and it works. It’s ours. And if everything changes…”
“Sorry to break it to you, sis, but it’s always going to change,” Reeve reaches over, and pours the rest of his drink into mine. “Life is changing, constantly.”
“Well, it shouldn’t.” I gulp some more tequila. “Everything should stay exactly the same, and nothing should hurt, and we shouldn’t have to risk anything, ever, not at all.”
Reeve chuckles. “Good luck with that.”
Reeve walksme back to my house, and then heads home to dream up more expensive ways of destroying our historical sets. “Just think about it,” he says before leaving, and I do. The questions spin around in my head all afternoon, and I couldn’t shut them off if I tried.
What am I even doing here?
It all made sense on paper at the start: take things slow. See how it goes. But it’s been two months now, and I haven’t moved an inch.
I’m crazy about Josh, I’m not too blind to see it. I count down to when his flight lands every week, and saying ‘goodbye’ to him gets a little worse each time he leaves; we’ve been burning up the phone lines with constant texts, and late-night calls, but still, I’m holding back. Trying to keep control of the situation. Trying to keep my feelings for him safe, and somehow contained to those brief,too brief, weekends.
I’m still standing here on the edge of the cliff, afraid to take that leap. But how long can I keep us in limbo? I want more, I do, but every time I think about what ‘more’ would really mean, that twist of panic grips me so tightly, I shut down, and pull back, and keep things exactly the same.
But I want more. I wanteverything.
And I won’t ever get it standing still, in place.
I take a deep breath, and reach for my phone. I’m curled up in the window seat, the spot in my house I always come to think, and dream, and imagine whatever wild, impossible visions will make up my next project.
So maybe it’s time I imagined a wild, impossible vision for my own life.
I call Lottie first, to find out if she really meant that offhand comment before. She’s busy at the nail salon with Ivy, and I can practically hear the eye roll in her voice. “Yes, mom. When I say something is a good idea, it’s because it’s actually a good idea.”
OK then.
I toy with my phone, turning it over in my hands. Reeve’s words echo again.‘Are you worried about her heart getting broken… or yours?’
He’s right. I’ve been protecting myself as much as Lottie, but I can’t keep my heart locked up safe. Not if I want to feel the kind of real love I’ve been waiting for.
The kind of love I think could be waiting for me, if I’m just brave enough to reach out and ask.
I dial Josh’s number, even though he’s probably tied up in meetings, still. I expect to get his voicemail, but I’m surprised when he picks up on the first ring.
“Hey,” his voice comes, warm and rich, with that Tennessee drawl. “What’s up? Miss me already?”
I feel a shot of warmth at his words. “I did,” I admit, smiling. “But I need to talk to you about something.”
“Shoot,” he says, and I can hear traffic in the background. He’s probably walking out of the office now, and heading home for the night.
I want him to be coming home to me.
It’s a simple thought, but it stops me in my tracks. Why am I fighting this so hard, when my heart knows exactly what I want?
