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She gave my fingers a squeeze. “I’m sorry if I was one of those people who made you feel like you couldn’t change, and I’m sorry you didn’t feel you could talk to me about it. Maybe I didn’t make it clear that you have my support no matter what. I only want you to be happy.”
It wasn’t my intention to make my friends feel bad, but Jess’s apology soothed a wound I didn’t even know was there, and I couldn’t bring myself to dismiss it the way I wanted to.
“I know.” I wrapped my arms around her and held her tight. “Thank you.”
“I’m sorry, too,” Emily said. “I just…”
“You just… what?” I prompted, laughing wetly as I wiped a tear from Jess’s cheek.
Emily twisted her fingers together before she wailed, “I just always thought you and Will made the perfect couple!”
That made me laugh, in part because it was funny but also because it felt like the last thread of tension in the room had snapped. The conversation had turned a corner and taken me with it.
“Well, that’s nice to hear,” I said, “considering Will and I are officially together now.”
“You are?” Tash asked with wide eyes.
“Yeah,” I confirmed, and it felt good. “I mean, we’re keeping it on a need-to-know basis for now, but we are.”
Jess embraced me again, this time with a grin, and I hugged her back as Emily clapped her hands. Birdie and Tash tapped their glasses together in a silent toast.
Tash leaned over the table, and we all leaned with her. “Okay, so I have to know…”
Excellent. Here came the sex talk. I’d been tortured with glorious tales from these girls’ bedrooms—and bathrooms, and workshops, and dark alleyways—for months, not to mention the disgusting collective post-coital glow I’d been forced to endure. This was my chance to get a little payback.
“What’s it like to have a baby?” Tash whispered.
I straightened with surprise. “It’s, uh… good?”
“Abs thought you were going to ask about the sex,” Birdie murmured with a smile, and Jess chuckled.
“Oh.” Tash blushed and self-consciously patted her stomach. “Sorry. I can’t think about anything other than babies these days.”
“No, it’s okay.” Thinking about Seb made me smile—then yawn.
I didn’t want to tell Tash that the baby had woken up twice last night and three times the night before. I didn’t want to tell her that he’d refused to eat his favourite breakfast that morning orthat he hadn’t napped for longer than twenty minutes at a time the day before.
Will had spent every spare minute sifting through parenting websites for answers—was he too hot or too cold, going through a growth spurt or developmental leap, or having tummy pains because a new food disagreed with his system—and if we thought parenting was exhausting in the beginning, it was nothing compared to the last week. But I didn’t think Tash was hunting for horror stories, and Seb had been such a dream that it seemed unfair to talk about these small challenges instead of the good stuff.
“It’s amazing,” I told her. “I won’t lie, it’s challenging. Outside of my classes, I’ve barely had time on the mat for my own practice, and my hair is in desperate need of shampoo, but the way I feel about Seb is indescribable. I adore him.”
“Wow,” she replied on an exhale. “That’s wonderful. And he’s not even yours.”
I flinched, and Tash’s eyes grew wide. Panic painted her face as she reached across the table. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry, Abbie. I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I assured her with a smile that wasn’t real. “I understand what you mean.”
I swallowed the hurt because her comment was thoughtless, not cruel. And anyway, what had she said that was so wrong? Sebwasn’tmy child, and as much as I cared for him, it was probably nothing compared to the love of a real mother.
Like a row of dominoes, hard truths kept falling in my head. I wasn’t Seb’s mother. Will and I hadn’t spoken about what was going to happen when the tournament and festival were over, but the plan had always been for me to return to my apartment as soon as it was repaired. The loft wasn’t my home. Will’s business wasn’t mine either; it was his to grow and run and build. All his success was his alone.
I was growing attached to things that didn’t belong to me.
“Is it something you think about?” Birdie asked. “I mean, if it’s possible to love a kid that much even if you didn’t carry him yourself?”
I shook off the dark thoughts and considered the question, but there was no hiding how I felt about that little boy.
“Honestly? No. I don’t have anything to compare it to, of course, but Seb is Will’s son, and maybe that makes a difference. I love that baby a little more every day, and I can’t see there being a cap on that.”
