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Tugging on the end of her plait, she swung back to face him, trying to harden her heart and failing when she saw the hurt in his eyes.
“I love you too, but I don’t want to give you false hope. If I can’t conceive naturally, it’s going to be a rough road ahead. Countless tests, prodding and poking from docs, counselling, sperm donation rooms, hormone injections, implants, procedures, the IVF road is tough and can prove fruitless in the end.”
Taking a deep breath, she blew it out long and slow, her gaze never leaving his, beseeching him to understand.
“If IVF is tough and it fails, the adoption route is even harder. Years of filling out forms and waiting and getting our hopes up only to be disappointed. Do you really want to go through all that?”
Am I really worth it?
That was the real question she was asking, her heart hoping for a miracle, her head knowing she was crazy for putting him in this position.
He ran a hand across his jaw, across the stubble she loved so much, his expression bleak but his warm, steady gaze fixed on her.
“I’m willing to try if you are, Cam. Nothing’s impossible for us. And if it’s not to be, well, we’ll deal with that too.”
“No!”
The refusal exploded out of her, the pain slicing her in two. She needed to make him understand: how much she loved him, how much she was willing to give up in order for him to follow his dream.
He’d once done the same for her, the least she could do was return the favor. He deserved it. He deserved his dream as much as she’d deserved hers.
Grabbing his hand, she held it between both of hers, willing him to listen. “Don’t you get it? I love you so much I want you to be happy. I want you to have the family you deserve. And I don’t want you getting your hopes up when it may never happen for us.”
She broke off as he opened his mouth to reply, placing a finger to his lips to silence him. “No, let me finish. These past few months, rediscovering each other, have been amazing, but I don’t want to hold you back. If you want a family, maybe it’s better we end things now?”
There, she’d said it, and her heart ached. Losing him again would leave a gaping, irreparable hole in her life and she’d never recover from it.
But better that than live with the guilt she’d bound him to her for selfish reasons and held him back from having the family he truly deserved.
The distant cry of a seagull and the sound of a ride-on lawnmower punctuated the terse silence.
“I’ve already told you what I want. And that’s you.” Placing a finger under her chin and tilting it up, he said, “I wantyou, Cam.”
He brushed a thumb across her chin repeatedly, soft, soothing, rhythmic. “It has always been you. If kids aren’t in the picture it doesn’t matter. I love you, I’ll always love you, and the two of us are going to have a great life together. It was just thetwo of us at the start and that’s enough for me. You and me, partners, lovers, best friends, forever.”
She’d laid it out for him so he wasn’t under any illusions and he still wanted her. Hope swept through her and she rode the wave, his sincere pledge dousing her doubts, silencing her voice of reason for an all too brief moment, filling her with the teensiest amount of optimism they could make this work.
She desperately wanted to believe him, wishing she had as much faith in them as he did. But no amount of wishing and hoping could eradicate the simple truth.
He wanted kids, she couldn’t have them.
And while he was adamant she’d be enough, what if his love for her dwindled and turned to despair when she couldn’t give him the one thing he needed the most?
He’d left her once before, what would stop him doing it again?
She’d recovered from the heartache last time through sheer hard work, determined to obliterate her pain and fill the void he’d left, with business. But if it happened again, after she’d fallen so irrefutably, cataclysmically in love with him all over again, she’d never recover.
Drawing a shaky breath, she laid her hand against his cheek, drawing on every ounce of inner strength she possessed.
She needed to make him understand.
Yet his tender expression stole her breath and increased her torment tenfold.
“You’re the most extraordinary, wonderful guy, and I love you with all my heart. But I can’t do this.”
“Yeah, you can.” Pulling her close, he leaned his forehead against hers, their noses touching, the pure male scent of him filling her senses. “We’re in this for the long haul and we’ll deal with it all. Just go with the flow.”
As if to prove his point, he pressed a searing kiss to her lips, setting her pulse racing and her insides trembling.
