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Whatever she’s done, the demon queen wanted me. She would have let me fuck her. She wanted me to.
The pool house wasn’t the last time a girl like that wanted me.
Last night was.
When I reach for the pictures, I find my pockets empty. I wasn’t planning on going anywhere, so I didn’t grab my wallet. I sigh and lean back in the chair, trying to forget it, to forget her. To look at the leaves blowing down in a gust of wind, and to think about the girl sleeping upstairs. My girlfriend. The girl who has been loyal to me for three years. She was in love with me from the moment I put a dog collar around her neck for the first time, when I was a king and she was nothing.
I used to like that, the way it made me feel to put a girl on a leash.
But I ruined that, like I ruin everything in my life.
There comes a point when you’re pushing someone’s limits when you realize they have none. That they’ll never say no, and not because they’re enjoying what you’re doing, but because they’re scared to lose you if they say no. That’s when you should pull back, but I learned that the hard way.
At some point I crossed the line where even if it wasn’t too much for Dixie, it was too much for me. Where I had pushed her so far that I didn’t respect her anymore. There is no limit to Dixie’s love, to what she’d do for me. Knowing she has no boundaries makes her submission pathetic instead of thrilling. It makes the kinky things I did to her cruel instead of hot. So I stopped doing them.
Sometimes, I miss it.
But I can’t ask Dixie to do that again. I can’t ask, because I know I wouldn’t have to.
It’s not fair to her, but then, nothing else is fair, so why would that be an exception? It’s not Dixie’s fault she’s the one who taught me that I have boundaries even if she doesn’t. She didn’t try to show me my limit. She didn’t mean to ruin my kinky fun and make me feel sick at the thought of putting a collar around her neck. But she did.
Maybe it was all the way back when we stuck the vodka bottle in her ass at the last Darling New Year’s Eve party, the last night Devlin was alive. Maybe it was when she let me share her with Preston, and seeing the way he treated her, and knowing she hated him, but she still said yes. I couldn’t put the collar on her after that. It disgusted me to even think about it.
But fuck, wouldn’t it be hot to put that collar around the Bitch Queen’s neck, to make her crawl for me?
I’m halfway hard just thinking about it before the guilt strikes, hard and sharp like an anvil to my chest. Dixie stayed loyal when I was nothing, less than nothing. Gloria crushed me under her stiletto with joyful malice.
I don’t deserve Dixie’s loyalty. No matter how hard I try, the truth is, I’ve never felt the way about her that she feels about me. I’ve been trying, and I do love her in some way, the way you can’t help but love a friend who has been there for you through everything and let you fuck her when you needed release.
She doesn’t deserve me—she deserves better.
Gloria doesn’t deserve me, either. She doesn’t deserve to be the person that I feel the other way for, the way I should feel about my girlfriend. She doesn’t even deserve to be the girl whose face replaces the innocent girl in the pool house who just wanted a Darling boy to fuck her. She’s the opposite of that. The opposite of Dixie. The opposite of everything I should want.
I pick up my phone again, and this time, I open theOnlyWordsapp. I never use the texting app that everyone else does. Why would I? I don’t have friends. It’s logged into Dixie’s account because I don’t even use my account.
But in case Dixie snoops through my texts, it’s safer.
My thumb hovers over the button. I should erase it. I should delete her number from my phone. I shouldn’t have checked her name in Dixie’s contacts on the app before I logged back into my own account.
But I did.
Dynamo: WYD?
I instantly regret sending it. What am I doing?
She’s probably sleeping anyway. We’ve only been home for a few hours.
ThatsLo: Who is this?
Dynamo: Its you
Dynamo: turned inside out.
ThatsLo: WTF
Dynamo: WYD?
There’s a long pause, and the dots disappear and reappear on the screen as she types multiple times before the message finally pops onto my screen.
