Page 103 of Since She's Been Gone

When I pull up in front of my house and get out of my car, I feel out of body, like I’m watching myself as a spectator, emotionless—depersonalization, as we call it in the field. Apart from being soaked from the rain, the only thingI feel is a bit of throbbing in my head, remnants from my fall.

I roll my carry-on suitcase inside over a pile of mail slipped through the front door slot while I was gone. I turn on the living room light, half-expecting the place to be ransacked by the Cadells, but it isn’t.

I head to my bedroom, wondering if someone’s waiting for me, ready to take me out. I’m not scared, just numb.

When I step inside my bedroom, I realize someoneisthere.

I can make her out even in the darkness, sitting on the resting chair next to my bed. This time, she’s not wearing a baseball cap. I turn on the light.

“I thought you were in Europe,” I say.

“I needed to come back,” Cristina says.

“Why?” I ask.

“When I was on my own, it was one thing. But I can’t be a fugitive on the run with a baby,” she says.

“A baby?” I say.

“I’m pregnant,” she says. “My dad’s at his house in Venice. I was going to go there and ask him to drop the fake charges against me for the sake of my future son, but I realized there’s no point. I’m turning myself in. They’ll take my son away from me after I have him in prison, so I came here to ask you if you’ll make sure he knows the truth about his mom.”

“The detective investigating your mother’s death knows you’re innocent,” I tell her. “He found evidence that you were framed. They need you to help their case against your dad.”

“It’s useless,” she says. “Once my father and uncle get ahold of him and threaten his life and the lives of his loved ones, he’ll fall into place and help make it look like I murdered my mom when they’re the ones that killed her to silence her because she knew too much about their operation. That’show it always goes. That’s why my cousin Margot supposedly ‘overdosed.’ Did you find your mom?” she asks, pointing to Mom’s bracelet on my wrist.

I shake my head, unable to say the word “remains” out loud.

“How did you get her bracelet?” I ask.

“My dad hired a PI to see if your mom was still alive, and the PI gave it to him as proof that she was. I don’t know how he got it. I stole it from my dad’s house to prove it to you. I’m sorry you couldn’t find her. I was hoping you could warn her, so you wouldn’t lose her forever like I’ve lost my mom.” She’s trying hard not to cry.

“Thanks for trying to help me,” I say.

“I’m so worried about my future baby boy. God knows who’s going to end up raising him. Please promise me you’ll let him know his mom didn’t do the terrible things they’re going to say I did.”

She stands up, revealing a small pouch sticking out above her pants waistline, not quite yet big enough to signal a pregnancy, looking more like she ate a large meal.

Suddenly she winces, grabs her stomach, and sits back down again. “I think he just kicked me for the first time,” she says.

I remember what that first kick felt like. And I remember what my stomach felt like after the D&C. I think about the miscarriage I suffered because of ED that took hold of me after Mom was forced to disappear because of the Cadell family. And I think about how now I won’t have the chance to be a mother to Sarah for the same reason.

I flash to Mom’s pregnant stomach in Dr. Siegel’s interview and think about Sally, who also died because of the Cadell empire, and how Mom was forced to abandon me because of them.

I look back at Cristina, who’s rubbing her stomach, and think about her son growing up without his mother and herliving her life in prison because of the Cadells, and something breaks inside of me.

A fury is unleashed. A fury that’s been building since the day I said my last goodbye to mom. A fury that feels like it could power all of Los Angeles.Not one more.

I start walking out of my bedroom.

“Where are you going?” Cristina calls out.

I’m already down the hall.

“What are you doing?” she shouts.

I run out of the house as she chases after me.

“Where are you going?” she asks again as I get into my car.

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