AllFreeNovel
Share Us
She gives me a final hug, pulling back and rubbing my arms. “I love seeing you love yourself again.”
I wrap my arms around her, trying not to break out in tears. “Me too.”
I inhale the cold air when I step out of Tiffany’s place, taking a moment to just breathe. My chest burns as the icy air fills my lungs, but it’s the best fucking feeling. Everything is so alive. There’s nothing but the present, and I feel connected to everything. I know it won’t always be like this, but today it’s easy.
It’s easy because I know that I’m never going to apologize for loving with my whole heart ever fucking again. It’s easy because I know that I can’t control how other people behave or feel, and I’m okay with that. It’s easy because I know if I get my heart broken, I’ll be okay. I’ll survive. I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to constantly guilt myself over what I did wrong.
It’s easy because I know that I want to be loved, and I know there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be loved. But right now, I love me, and that’s enough.
I plop my bag and coat over the back of my couch when I get home and read the text from Declan.
Declan:Final break. Can’t wait to be done.
Me:You got this! You’re going to crush it, and then I have a surprise waiting for you at home.
Declan:A dirty surprise?
Me:Better.
Declan:You didn’t! Lasagna?
Me:Only for you.
I didn’t tell Tiffany the real reason I had to get home was to make a lasagna at nine o’clock at night. I spent the whole week watching recipe videos and even practiced on Tuesday to make sure it didn’t turn out like complete garbage.
Declan:I don’t deserve you.
Me:Get it done and maybe there’ll be a dirty surprise too.
Declan:Can’t wait. Should be done in an hour. I’ll call you.
He’s working late tonight because he’s been giving presentations at the company he’s been consulting at’s board meeting. He’s been working on the project presentation for the whole month. I know it’s been stressing him out more than he’s been letting on. If he does well, it’ll be a huge factor in whether or not they promote him to district manager, which is the position he’s been working towards. I know he’ll be bummed out if he doesn’t get it, so I wanted to be prepared for either situation; celebration or comfort.
I was bummed when I found out the board meeting was going to be on a Thursday, but that same fear, that anxiety, it never came. Declan isn’t the others. I don’t know if he’ll ever become one, but until he gives me a reason not to trust him, then I’m going to work on doing that.
Hopefully today is the last Thursday date anyway. Well, the last Thursday exclusive date. I’m nervous about bringing it up or even how to bring it up, but I’m not going to deny myself what I want anymore out of fear. I know how I feel. I’m going to tell him. I just have to keep that same boldness for another couple hours when he gets here. Fuck.
I place the lasagna in the oven after Declan calls and tells me he’s on his way over. His car pulls up twenty minutes later, and my heart pounds in my chest. I take a few deep breaths so I don’t come across as a crazy person when he comes inside.
He doesn’t even knock, trying to see if the door will open, which it does because I left it unlocked for him. “Hi,” he says, smiling at me.
He walks over to the kitchen and places a kiss on my cheek. “Smells amazing. Thanks, baby.”
I wrap my arms around his waist and look up at him. “How’d it go?”
“Good. I think. I’ll know more next week.”
He looks exhausted as he pours himself a glass of water. I can tell today drained him. But he’s still here. He could have gone home and disconnected, and I couldn’t have been mad at him for that. But he’s still here. He’s never pressured me. He’s never pushed me for more. He told me how he felt, and then he respected my decision to take it slow. And he’s still fucking here.
“I love you.” I blurt out the words before I chicken out.
He lifts his head, staring at me like maybe he misheard me. Like maybe the work day exhausted him too much and he imagined the whole thing.
I swallow hard. It’s now or never. And then something that I never expected in a million years happens. A peace falls over me. A calmness in knowing I’m doing the right thing. It’s something I’ve never felt in any relationship before this one, and it’s because I know without a doubt in my mind that I love the man standing in front of me. And that I know what love really is. Because it’s not these grand gestures or constant declarations of love. It’s not fancy words or endless promises. It’s not explosive physical chemistry or having the same interests.
It’s being there. It’s just being there.
“I love you Declan Carver.” I exhale harshly, blinking up at the ceiling to stop myself from crying. “And I’m sorry it took me this long to say it. I’ve loved you the whole time, and I didn’t want to admit to myself because I was scared. And I thought-.”
