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‘I know you do. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less. You really hurt me, Nate.’ Sadness, anger and frustration battle for space inside me and I feel like my heart may actually burst out of my chest. ‘You just up and left when I needed you the most. I mean, seriously, Nate. Who does that?’
‘I didn’t know what else to do,’ Nate says.
‘So getting drunk out of your mind with your brothers in Ibiza was the best solution you could come up with?’
‘Yeah, actually,’ Nate admits, letting go of my ankle so he can fold his arms across his chest as if he physically needs to protect his heart. ‘At the time, it was. But I didn’t enjoy a second of it. My brothers wanted to drink and party. They wanted to enjoy a guys’ holiday. My head was all over the place. Every night when they hit the pubs and clubs, I went for a walk on the beach. The sea air was good for my head. It really helped to be alone for a while, you know?’
‘I know what it’s like to be alone,’ I remind him, folding my arms, too. ‘But it didn’t help me. It made everything worse.’
‘Holly, I really am sorry.’ Nate’s deep voice cracks. ‘I didn’t know any other way to fix things except to give you space. We want different things. I desperately want to keep the baby even though I know how sick the little one is, and, well, you don’t.’
‘It’s not that I don’t, Nate. Ican’t. I can’t keep it, not if it means watching it suffer with no chance. It’s fucking cruel.’
‘I know. I’ve no right to ask you to go through with a pregnancy when you feel that way. But it’s my baby too, and I can’t change how I feel.’
‘So where does this leave us?’ I sniffle as gentle tears trickle down my cheeks.
Nate shakes his head. ‘I love you, Holly. So much. I will be here for you whatever you decide, but I have to be honest too. I can’t keep all this stuff bottled up. It’s just not me. I have to tell you that I hope our baby has your beautiful eyes and your smile. I have to tell you that I can’t wait to be a dad, for however short that time may be. And… I have to hope you can understand.’
‘Okay.’ I swallow, his words driving into my heart like an arrow. ‘I appreciate your honesty.’
‘You appreciate my honesty?’ Nate mimics, making no effort to hide how much he disapproves of my choice of phrase. ‘Jesus, Holly. This isn’t some board meeting where you need to be on your best politically correct behaviour. This is our future. Our baby, for God’s sake. Can’t you just say what you feel?’ Nate pauses, and I know the crack in his voice mirrors the crack in his heart. ‘I’ve said my piece. It’s your turn. Tell me how you feel. Stop shutting me out.’
‘What the hell do you want me to say, Nate? Words won’t fix anything,’ I say.
‘Try, Hols. Just try.’
I straighten my back until I hear it crack. I suck air through my nose and hold it inside until it’s crushing my chest like a dead weight. Finally, I force it back out bitterly, and intense words tumble after it uncontrollably. ‘Do you know what I want?’ I tap my fingers roughly against my chest. ‘Do you know what I fucking want?’
‘Tell me, Holly,’ Nate encourages gently. ‘Just let me in.’
‘I want it all to stop. I feel like my heart is breaking. Actually breaking. It hurts right here.’ I dig my nails into the bony part between my swollen pregnant breasts as if I can point at the right spot and Nate will see the pain. ‘I don’t want to feel like this any more. I hate what all this anger and sadness is doing to me. I hate what it has done tous. I never should have pushed you away. It’s not your fault our baby is sick, but I took everything out on you.’ I puff out, emotionally exhausted. ‘I’m so sick of being angry then sad then angry then sad again, and expecting you to keep up,’ I finally admit. ‘I’m sorry, Nate. I’m so sorry.’
Nate takes my hand in his and drags it to his lips. He kisses the back of my hand gently.
‘I want to rewind everything,’ I say. ‘I want to go back to when Ben and I were kids. When Nana was younger and healthy. When we’d play, chasing each other in the garden until our knees hurt. When we’d eat apple tart until we felt sick. It’s over, Nate. It’s all over now. I won’t cope without her. I just won’t.’
Nate gathers my head to his chest and runs his hand gently over my hair. ‘Shh,’ he whispers. ‘Shh.’
‘Everything will be different,’ I explain, sobbing uncontrollably. ‘I’m losing my grandmother, and I’ll lose my baby too. I’ll have nothing.’
‘You’ll have me.’ Nate bends his neck to place a warm kiss on the top of my head. ‘Holly. I don’t want to lose you, but I don’t even know if I deserve to have you back.’
I drag my hand under my nose and sniffle unattractively again; it’s becoming a bad habit. Nate ignores my snotty gesture and gathers me tighter into his arms. ‘What can I do, Holly? What can I do to make this better?’
‘You’re here, Nate. You’re already making it better,’ I answer without hesitation. I reach under the covers and find Nate’s free hand. I slide my fingers between his and guide his hand onto my tiny bump. ‘I need you. I always needed you.’
EIGHTEEN
HOLLY
Waking unexpectedly, I jerk upright and rub my eyes in a blind, twilight state somewhere between sleep and awake. I take a moment to realise that the neon-blue glow lighting up the bedroom isn’t normal.
‘An ambulance,’ I blurt loudly, and Nate stirs, groaning sleepily in protest at being woken.
I race over to the window, bouncing from one foot to the other as the cold of the old timber floor drives up through the soles of my feet. I grab the curtains and fling both sides open at the same time. I let go of the flowery fabric, and my hands cover my mouth, smacking my skin with a sting. My suspicions are confirmed. An ambulance is waiting in the front drive with its back doors open – ready.
‘Oh, no. Oh, God no,’ I yell, backing away from the view outside the window.
