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She straps the black band around my upper arm. It’s cold.
‘Is that okay?’ she says with a smile. ‘Not too tight.’
‘It’s fine.’ I smile back. ‘But, I really think I just had a dizzy spell. I feel fine now, honest,’ I say, becoming more anxious to get away. ‘I don’t want to waste your time.’
‘It’s no trouble,’ she says, pumping the band until it pinches, and I feel like my arm might separate at the elbow from the pressure. ‘Marcy is a good friend. We do favours for each other all the time. Anyway, I’m on my break, so you’re not holding anyone up.’
She tilts her head towards the pile of charts, and I appreciate her efforts to put my conscience at ease. I can see why she and Marcy are friends.
‘Hmm,’ she says, staring at the stopwatch in her hand.
‘Hmm?’ Nate copies, instantly on edge.
‘It’s the baby, isn’t it?’ I say, my emotions bubbling to the surface as I prepare to tell a perfect stranger that my child is going to die.
I look at Nate for reassurance. Maybe he will say the words so I don’t have to, but he’s as pale as I am and I’m worried I’m not the only one who is going to faint.My God this room is ridiculously stuffy, and all I can think about is getting out of here.
‘Holly, have you been experiencing headaches recently?’ the nurse asks.
I’m desperate for fresh air. ‘Don’t think so,’ I say.
‘Any pressure behind the eyes, general feeling of being unwell?’
‘Not really,’ I say. ‘My grandmother is sick, so I’ve been worried about her. And my baby…’
I pause and look at Nate and wait for him to pick up where I’ve left off but he doesn’t. He’s pale and doesn’t look capable of stringing two words together.
‘Okay,’ the nurse says. ‘Okay.’
‘Is something wrong?’ Nate asks, pulling himself upright, and I feel the bed move slightly when he stops leaning on it. ‘With Holly. Is she sick? She’s never fainted before. Not ever. Have you, Hols?’
I nod. Then quickly shake my head, not sure which is the right answer.
‘I was expecting your blood pressure to be low, Holly. Low blood pressure is a common cause of dizzy spells in the first trimester.’
‘I’m almost sixteen weeks now,’ I explain.
‘Okay.’ The nurse nods and pulls a new chart off a different, smaller pile on her desk. ‘Fifteen almost sixteen weeks,’ she says, writing it down.
‘But her blood pressure isn’t low?’ Nate says, guiding the conversation back to his concerns.
‘No,’ the nurse admits, scribbling my name on the front of the chart. ‘Actually, Holly. Your blood pressure is rather high. Considerably higher than I was expecting and higher than we’d be comfortable with at this stage of your pregnancy.’
‘But I’ve been really stressed. I’ve had so much going on,’ I say, as if my high blood pressure is a failing, and I have to try to offer an explanation or defend myself.
I look at Nate for reassurance but I can’t catch his eye as he stares at the blood pressure monitor completely stressed out. Or guilty. I suspect he’s thinking about Ibiza right now.
‘There’s nothing to worry about,’ the nurse says. ‘Something as simple as bed rest can do wonders for high blood pressure.’
Nate smiles, and I know the minute we leave, he is going to insist I go for a lie-down.
The nurse makes her way to the end of the bed and pulls a portable monitor around the side. Its cumbersome square shape with long legs and wobbly wheels looks like something straight out ofBack to the Future. I’m expecting Marty McFly to come crashing through the wall in his DeLorean any second.
‘The screen isn’t great on this old thing,’ she admits. She taps the top of the machine and it rattles comically. ‘But it’s the best I could get my hands on at short notice. Let’s see how your little one is getting on in there, shall we?’
I flinch, and a huge lump gathers in the back of my throat, and even though I cough to clear it, it still threatens to choke me.
No. No, I can’t.But,I look at Nate and he’s smiling. And I know what he’s thinking. He wants a sneaky peek. A peek at our child safe inside my belly. Our child wriggling and squirming and unaware of the future. I know the glimpse of what could have been will only last a moment. It won’t be long before the nurse discovers how serious things are for our little one, but that minute will be bliss. After everything that has happened recently, I desperately want that moment as much as Nate.
