AllFreeNovel
Share Us
‘I’m not tired,’ Ben says, his smile agreeing with his words, but his drooping eyes let his argument down.
‘Go home, kids,’ Dad says, softly. ‘It’s what your grandmother would want, and you know that. Your mam is here now. Give her some time.’
Ben argues some more with Dad. Voices are raised. Mostly Ben’s, but I manage to tune them out. My fingers slip away from Nate’s slowly, and he lets me go. He understands I need both hands free to stroke Nana’s face. I need both hands to touch her warm, wrinkled skin. I need both hands to hold hers as I tell her that I love her. I need both hands to make some more memories.
‘Holly,’ Mam calls. Her voice carries over my distress and over Ben’s emotional profanities. ‘Can we talk for a moment?’ She turns her head over her shoulder towards the door.
I bend forward and kiss Nana’s forehead. I linger long enough to savour her scent: talcum powder and lavender perfume, as always.
‘Sure.’ I drag myself away, plastering on the smile I know my mother needs to see.
I step into the hallway, and Mam closes the door behind me. Nana is severed from my view, and I breathe slowly in through my nose and out through my mouth trying to maintain composure.
‘I’m sorry about earlier,’ Mam says. ‘I just… I…’ She presses her hands against her face and drags her fingers all over. ‘I’m so out of my depth, Holly. Nana needs me to be strong right now. And here I am, crumbling. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.’
‘Jesus, Mam,’ I say, instantly feeling guilty for being annoyed that my mother didn’t like my orchard-visit idea. ‘You don’t need to apologise. I get it. Honestly. I mean, Nana is your mam.’ I take my mother’s hand in mine. ‘There’s nothing really like the bond between a mother and her child, is there?’
‘No, Holly.’ Mam’s eyes drop to my belly as she drags her hands away from mine. ‘There really isn’t anything like it.’
I chew my bottom lip. I really don’t want to have another conversation about me, Nate and the baby. Actually, I don’t want to have any conversation at all, but my mother needs to talk. Her hands are clasped, but her fingers seem to want to move in opposite directions. Her fidgeting is so vigorous, it looks uncomfortable.
‘I spoke to the doctor again,’ Mam says.
‘Oh…?’
‘He didn’t seem to think a visit to the orchard was such a bad idea.’
‘Oh my God, Mam. Are you serious?’ Bubbles of giddiness pop inside me. ‘Can we go there? Really? Can we take Nana?’
‘I’m not sure it will help her, you know,’ Mam says. ‘Her lungs are in a bad way, Holly. And cold night air is damp.’
‘I know,’ I say.
‘I’m also not so sure itwon’thelp her,’ Mam says. ‘She needs this, Holly, doesn’t she? Her lungs are weak, I know that. Goddammit, the doctors have drilled it into my head often enough.Keep her warm… keep her dry… keep her comfortable, they said as if it wasn’t obvious. But they never said keep her happy.’ Mam runs her fingers under her eyes and catches delicate tears. ‘They just wanted to keep her alive. But what is life without happiness?’
I inhale. I’m lost for words.
‘The orchard will make her happy, won’t it?’ Mam smiles for the first time in a while.
I nod. ‘Yeah. I really think it will.’
‘I haven’t told your dad yet,’ Mam says, her eyes avoiding contact with mine. ‘He thinks the idea is madness. Your father loves your grandmother, but I’m not sure he understands her the same way we do—’
‘He’s probably right,’ I say, cutting my mother off midsentence. ‘I mean, I get it. Technically, sensibly, medically, blah, blah, blah. Taking an old lady out into the cold of night just so she can see some grass and trees, well, it doesn’t make much sense, does it? It’s probably not the best idea as far as drips and wires and medicine goes. If you asked me a couple of weeks ago if I thought this was a good idea, I’d probably have laughed in your face. But that was before. Before I read Nana’s book. Before I knew about Sketch and the orchard and the time they had together. Life only lasts so long. Love lasts forever, right?’
‘Right.’ My mother rolls back her shoulders. ‘Love conquers all, doesn’t it?’
‘Too far, Mam, too far,’ I joke. ‘You sound like a Hallmark card. “Love conquers all. Here, have a kitten.”’
My mother opens her mouth, and I think she tries to laugh, but the only sound that comes out is a throaty croak.
‘Sorry,’ I mumble. ‘I was just trying to be funny.’
My mother doesn’t reply.
‘Anyway,’ I say. ‘Kittens are cute, but I’m definitely a puppy person.’
‘Holly’ – Mam smiles at me, acknowledging my efforts to make light of the situation, but her eyes are still heavy with sadness – ‘What are we doing?’
