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What I want more than anything is to get better, but I know that won’t happen. All I can do is try to make sure my mam is okay – and I need your HELP!!!
When I got sick my mam gave up her job to look after me. She makes money now baking cakes for the hospital canteen. I would really, really love if she could make money baking cakes in her own shop.
Please, please donate anything you can to help my mam set up her own bakery. I just want my mam to be okay when I’m gone.
Thank youso much,
Kaylax
I watch as the eyes of the whole school community read over my words. Charlotte, Aiden and I spent ages trying to get this wording just right. I know we put it on the internet for the whole world to see, but I always imagined the people who read it would be a world away. As if the internet was only viewed by strangers and not neighbours and friends and classmates. And definitely not by my mam. There are gasps and shocked faces as they discover how hard it’s been for Mam and me this past while.
Whispering starts among the parents first and, of course, all the students join in. I even see some of the teachers, lining the walls, chatting among themselves.Jesus. How could Mrs Maloney possibly have thought this was a good idea?
‘Kayla. Kayla.’ Mrs Maloney taps me on the shoulder. She’s so full of excitement. I’ve never seen her like this before. I don’t know how to react. Mrs Maloney’s enthusiasm combined with my shock makes my head spin.
‘I don’t have anything to say,’ I manage to splutter out. The microphone picks up my voice and broadcasts it to the whole hall.
‘Shh. Shh. Shh,’ people encourage each other, as if I’m that guy in the kilt inBraveheartwho makes a mad important speech to his army before he leads them into battle. I’m not a leader. I can’t even manage to beat cancer.
I look at Mrs Maloney and I’m shaking.
‘Okay, okay,’ she says, and her excitement seems more under control and she’s more like the principal I’m used to. She turns away from the microphone and bends to whisper in my ear. ‘If you’d rather not speak, Kayla, I completely understand. I can imagine this is all a bit overwhelming. You’re very brave.’
I sigh with relief and look to Aiden and Miss Hanlon for help getting off stage. But Miss Hanlon doesn’t come to my rescue. AndAiden doesn’t even make eye contact as he stands beside me like a beetroot statue. Worst of all, Mrs Maloney doesn’t stop talking. She proceeds to tell the entire community about the hashtag trending on Twitter. About the DJs talking about Mam and me on the radio. About the calls from parents she’s been receiving all morning asking how they can help. She makes Mam and me out to be desperate or something – begging people for money to make ends meet. I know she doesn’t mean to, but I can see pity on everyone’s face as they stare at me. My mind is racing. This is not how today was supposed to go.
Mrs Maloney is saying something now about how proud of me she is. And she’s mentioning Aiden too. But I’m not really listening. My attention is on my mam. I watch as she sinks down in her chair, covering her face with her hands. I think she’s shaking her head but it’s kind of hard to tell from up here. And then she’s talking to Jack. I can see she’s getting angry. Or upset. Dad tries talking to her too. But she’s waving her hands about now. And,Oh my God, she’s standing up.
She stands up and stares at me and the last time I saw this much pain in her eyes was when I told her that I wanted to stop all treatment.Oh God what have I done?This was supposed to be a wonderful surprise. It wasn’t supposed to get announced like this in front of the whole school with everyone staring at us, whispering about us, feeling sorry for us.
I read Mam’s lips. ‘Excuse me. Excuse me,’ she says, turning towards Jack. But everyone is clapping and cheering.
I have to talk to Mam, I think. I have to get off this stage and explain that I wasn’t trying to embarrass her. Or upset her. I have to tell her that I love her.
I stand up. Unaided and taking the entire weight of my own body means that pain shoots through me like thousands of small electric shocks. It hurts so much I can’t see and everything goes black and the noise in the hall turns from cheers and chants to ringing and I know I won’t have time to sit back onto the chair before I pass out.
FIFTY-ONE
KAYLA
A million different colours fill my head as memories explode like fireworks in my mind. I remember learning to ride my first bike. It was bright pink with a purple basket in the front for my doll. Dad bought rainbow coloured streamers that we attached to the handle bars. Mam and Dad clapped and cheered when I was finally able to keep my balance by myself.
I remember Dad’s wedding. Dad was so handsome in his suit. And Charlotte had a beautiful white dress with a lace bodice and a long swishing trail. I wanted a dress just like it when I grew up and got married. I remember dancing in Dad’s arms and smiling and laughing and being the happiest girl in the world.
The day Molly was born Mam cried. She said everything would be different now that Dad had another little girl and she was worried. Mam was right, everything was different. It was better. Molly is the best little sister. She is pretty and clever and she gives the biggest squeezy hugs.
I think of Ross and Rachel on a break inFriends. I think of how Joey doesn’t share food. I think of every episode that Mam and I laughed our way through, just the two of us at home eating pizza in our pyjamas.And Mam would sometimes say that she had all her favourite things in one room.Friends, pizza and me.
‘Kayla,’ someone calls and I can feel a hand gently on my forehead. ‘Can you hear me?’
I nod, but nothing happens. I try again. I’m not moving.
‘Is she in pain?’ I recognise Mam’s voice. It’s wobbly and I know she’s crying, but it’s definitely her.
‘No.’
‘I can’t do this,’ Mam says. ‘I can’t watch her go.’
‘Have you spoken to Doctor Patterson today?’ the voice says – it’s one of the nurses, I realise. I’m back in the hospital.
