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I pull into my driveway and the porch light doesn’t come on as expected when I park and I guess the sensor is broken. I’ll ask Gavin to fix it tomorrow when I see him for breakfast. He’s staying over at the hospital tonight. He said something about watching some episodes ofFriendswith Kayla and Heather for old times’ sake. I know Kayla will enjoy it.
I turn off the engine and look over my shoulder to check Molly is still sleeping. She’s snoring gently, exhausted after a busy day, and I think I’ll have to leave her to have a lie in tomorrow. I can drop her in to school after little break. I’m sure Ms Martin will understand.
Our little cul-de-sac is silent. The houses dotted around the horse shoe are mostly in darkness, with the odd light left on in an upstairs bathroom or the landing. I drop my head back and stare out of the sunroof above me. It’s a cloudless sky and beautiful twinkling stars stare back at me. I sit for a moment, savouring the silence and enjoying the beautiful view and I don’t bother to wipe away the tears that trickle down my cheeks.
I can feel my phone vibrating in my pocket. I’m not surprised. Messages have been coming in thick and fast on Kayla’s Help Fund Me page. She was replying to them all herself at first, but she’s been so tired the last few days I couldn’t not help when she asked me to keep replying to some.
‘Please,’ she said, her eyes bloodshot with tiredness but dancing with excitement. ‘I really want to make sure we thank absolutely everyone who donates. No matter how big or small the donation. I want everyone to know how much we appreciate their help.’
I didn’t reply at first. I couldn’t find the right words.
‘Aiden is helping as much as he can,’ she said. ‘He’s staying up half the night to reply to people. But he can’t have his phone in school. There’s a backlog of people donating during the day who aren’t getting messages back from us.’
‘Okay,’ I said without having to think about it. ‘Of course, I’ll help.’
I can only imagine how upset Heather would be if she knew I was still involved. She wanted to shut the whole page down after the fiasco at Sports Day. She was hurt and embarrassed. But Kayla had worked too hard to let Heather’s pride get in the way. Besides, Jack told her in no uncertain terms that while she’s entitled to refuse the donation, she couldn’t shut down the page. Only the administrator could do that – and the administrator is Kayla. Well, and me, of course. But that’s Kayla’s and my little secret. For now, at least.
I pull my phone out of my pocket and get ready to reply to some of the messages.
‘Lisa in Wisconsin wrote,’ I read aloud. ‘What an amazing girl you are, Kayla. Your mom must be so proud. I only wish I could give more.’
There are more messages than I can count as I scroll down. And they’re coming in from all over the world. Mandy in New York says, ‘I think I’ll have to fly to Ireland to get me some of these buns. Kayla you are a hero.’
Anonymous in Perth simply says, ‘Good work.’
I’m replying as fast as my fingers can type. I thank everyone, adding emojis and kisses. But I pause when I come to Dermot in Leitrim’s message. Dermot has donated twenty euro. His donation is number 63,432 and his donation has brought us to target. I can’t wait to tell Kayla. I think about texting her now so the message is there for her to see in the morning. But I stop myself. I’d much rather tell her in person. This is so exciting. Kayla will be over the moon.
My eyes scroll down on the screen. Dermot has left a message too. It reads: ‘Everyone will miss you so much when you’re gone, Kayla.’
I pause. My hands are shaking and my fingers won’t cooperate as I try to thank Dermot for his kindness. Because I realise Dermot is right. Everyone will miss Kayla more than words can say. I’ve spent so long worrying about Gavin and Molly and how they will cope without Kayla I forgot to allow myself time to accept that I can’t bear to lose her either. I just can’t bear it.
Loud angry sobs shake and rattle my whole body and I don’t bother to fight them or hold them in.
‘Mammy,’ Molly says, waking.
‘Um-hmm.’
‘Why are you crying?’ she asks.
I think about wiping my eyes and I think about lying. I think about telling Molly that I have a cold. Or that the wind caught my eyes. But I don’t. I simply say, ‘Because I’m sad, Molly. I’m very, very sad.’
‘But it’s nearly Christmas,’ Molly says, and I turn over my shoulder to find my little girl smiling at me with such innocence and warmth in her heart. I know she’ll be okay.
‘Yes, sweetheart. It nearly is.’
My phone vibrates in my hand and I glance down at the screen expecting another heartfelt message from a donating stranger. I’m surprised to find Gavin’s name flashing up on screen.
‘Hello,’ I say, pressing the phone to my ear.
‘Where are you?’ Gavin whispers.
‘I’m in the car.’
‘Are you driving?’
‘No. No, I’m home. I’m sitting in the driveway. Listen, Gavin, I have the best news to share with Kayla. Is she still awake?’ I ask.
There’s silence on the other end of the line.
