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‘Yeah,’ I say. ‘I’m not expecting her to wake for a while. They’ve given her some pretty strong meds.’
‘Okay, well, I’ll only be a couple of hours and?—’
‘And then you’ll talk to Charlotte,’ I cut across him, seizing the opportunity to try again.
‘You know I want Kayla to get better more than anything in the world,’ Gavin says.
‘Prove it,’ I say, resenting him for feeling the need to tell me that. Of course, I know how much he wants our daughter to be well again.
‘Molly is four, Heather. She is four years old,’ Gavin says.
‘I do know how old your little girl is, Gavin.’
Gavin takes a deep breath and stands up. He lifts his hand out of his pocket to place it on my shoulder. ‘You’re an amazing mother, Heather. You always have been. I know you would do anything for Kayla. Anything at all to help her.’
I nod, a little thrown by his sudden change of direction and calmness.
‘Well, Charlotte is an amazing mother, too. She adores our little girl and she will stop at nothing to protect her. Do you understand?’
I nod again, and I can’t find words. Fear settles into the pit of my stomach as I begin to worry that Gavin is trying to tell me that he won’t talk to Charlotte about this, or worse still that if he does she’ll say no.
‘This is hard for her, Heather. Charlotte loves Kayla. She loves her as if she were her own. But the honest truth is that she’s not and Molly is.’
‘So, what are you saying?’
‘I’m saying, give me some time. Let me talk to her when she’s calmer. Less upset. Less afraid for Molly and how traumatic all this could be for her.’
‘But we don’t have time,’ I say, tears gathering in the corners of my eyes. ‘They want to stop the chemo, Gavin.’
‘They what?’ Gavin’s voice is suddenly too loud for the confined space. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘Shh,’ I say, pressing my finger against my lip, worried Gavin will wake Kayla. ‘I’m telling you now.’
Gavin looks at our sleeping daughter and shakes his head. ‘You know what? It doesn’t matter. They can’t stop chemo. We’ll tell them they can’t do that. It’s madness.’
‘Gavin, her kidneys are failing.’ The look of disbelief on Gavin’s face cuts through me. ‘And… And…’ I pause and try to catch my breath, as if just trying to say the next words out loud is choking me. ‘And they’ve found another growth.’
Gavin sniffles and drags his arm across his teary eyes. ‘Where?’
‘Her pelvis. It’s only small, but it’s new and…’
Gavin makes a sound like an animal caught in a trap. I know this sound. I make it too. Sometimes just inside my own head when I can’t bear to watch Kayla go through any more. But I push the noise deep down and don’t let it out because Kayla is leaning on me and I have to be strong.
‘Is it… is it spreading? Gavin asks.
I don’t reply. I can’t form words.
‘Does Kayla know?’ he asks.
I shake my head.
‘Good. Good. We don’t want to scare her.’ Gavin picks up his coat off the chair and slides in his shaking arms.
‘You’re going?’ I say.
‘I have to.’
‘Right. Yeah. Work,’ I say, unable to believe work is even coming into his head right now.
