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I nod, nothing left to say, and yet I don’t want to leave it like this. I make my way slowly towards the couch and pick up my bag, scanning the area for anything else I might have left, ignoring his presence, and my skin tingles where he watches me.
“For what it’s worth, Audrey, I am sorry. I would never have put you in this position on purpose.”
Lifting my head, I meet his gaze and see the truth in his words. I know Hudson hurt me, and I know we’re broken beyond repair, but I do know he’d never stoop so low as to try and trap me. Tears sting the back of my nose and words are impossible through the thickness of emotion, so I just nod and walk out the door.
Another chapter in our never-ending story of destruction is over and hopefully, I won’t have to see him again. I don’t think my heart can take it, and I know my pride can’t. I make a quick stop at my apartment so that I can gather myself for the meeting with my parents, not knowing that some chapters are just the prologue to a story I never saw coming.
4Hudson
Walkingthrough the door of my home is like shedding a skin. Some days I feel like I’m two different people—the man the world sees, confident, accomplished, and controlled and then there’s the man I am here. I smile as I hear tinkling laughter from the back of the house where the kitchen leads into the den off the side. My home isn’t what anyone would expect of me, but it reflects the man I want to be, the man I am for her.
Stepping into the chaos of the den, I see toys and art supplies scattered all over the floor, and a smile pulls at my lips, tension easing from my shoulders. Tia hasn’t spotted me yet and it gives me a moment to watch her as she pokes her tongue from between her lips, her grip on the crayon in her hand tight as she concentrates on whatever she’s drawing. My heart soars in my chest and my world settles in a kind of restful peace. This is what matters most. Her happiness, her safety from a world that is cruel.
When I look at my baby sister, all I see is her beauty, her infectious laugh, and the unparalleled goodness of her heart. But others don’t. They see the way her eyes slant, her nose and profile slightly flatter than most, and note the tell-tale characteristics of Downs Syndrome.
I hate that the world, that purports to be so forward thinking, so evolved, can still be so cruel and judgmental to someone with a heart that is more beautiful than any I’ve ever known. Protecting Tia has been my number one job since she was placed in my arms the day she was born. I’d fallen in love so hard and fast it, had taken my breath away. I vowed, there and then in that hospital room, to protect her with every breath I had, and to do that, I had to make sacrifices.
I never regretted them, not then and not now, but I have and will always regret the way I handled my situation with Audrey. Hurting her is the biggest regret of my life. The pain I caused her and the words she uses to lash out at me still are my punishment, but, for just a moment in time yesterday, we were together again. A wistful melancholy seeps into me and, for a moment, I wish that things could be different. That my mother could see the beautiful daughter she brought into the world growing up. That Audrey was mine and we were sharing a life together, but it wasn’t meant to be.
I know I’m a bastard for letting her believe we slept together when I know, now my head is clearer, and the memories of last night unfettered by alcohol, that we just kissed and messed around before she passed out drunk. I don’t know why I lied. No, that’s a lie, I do know. I lied because a part of me wants to cling to this moment, this nightmare as she called it, for a little longer and pretend she’s mine for a little while before the dream is taken away.
“Huddy.”
I snap out of my reverie as Tia runs toward me, a huge grin on her face as she launches her tiny body at me and I catch her in a hug, twirling her off the floor and spinning her until she giggles.
“Have you been a good girl for, Mrs. Price?”
“Yes.”
My gaze moves to Mrs. Price as she hefts her body from the chair where she was coloring with Tia and comes toward me. Her movements are slower and pain is etched on her fragile face.
“Arthritis?”
Mrs. Price has been with us from day one. My mother’s old neighbor, she loved my mom like a daughter and, when I was left a young, single caretaker of a child with special needs, she stepped in to help me. As a retired kindergarten teacher, she’s familiar with what kids need, more so than I will ever be and I’d be lost without her.
“Age comes with a price, Hudson, but one I’m happy to pay.”
“Is there anything I can do to help?” Guilt rides me hard, knowing I need to stop relying on her so much, but I’m a selfish prick and I don’t want to upset the balance with Tia. She loves Mrs. Price like a grandmother and replacing her will break Tia’s heart and my own.
“Nope, nothing you can do. I just have to soldier through.” She turns to Tia and palms her cheek, the love she feels for my baby sister clear on her face. “Time with this angel is all I need to distract me.”
“I was good, wasn’t I?”
A warm smile reaches the older woman’s cheeks as Tia cuddles into my chest. Burrowing into me like a koala. “You were an angel, as usual. Although you could do with eating more of those veggies I give you.”
“I don’t like trees, though.”
I roll my lips under my teeth to stop the smile as Tia pouts.
“That may be so, but they’re good for you.”
Trees are what Tia calls broccoli, and she isn’t a fan, at least not anymore. She was when she was younger, but now everything seems to change on a daily basis, and I struggle to keep up. I wonder if other parents feel as out of their depth as me most days or if I’m just fundamentally not cut out for this.
“Mrs. Price is right, you need to eat your veggies. You know what the doctor said.”
Tia sighs. “I need to be big and strong so I can go to school like the other kids.”
I fight the smile at her sulky frown before she smiles wide and pushes away from my chest, wanting to be let down. I release her and hate that these moments are getting fewer and farther between. Tia is growing into her own amazing person and it’s what I want. I want her to experience life and all its beauty, to be independent and achieve everything I know she can, but it wars with my need to protect her and shelter her from the horror of the world.
