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Sophie smiled, thinking of Jared and the egg incident from that morning. She hadn’t kept a record of how many times that had happened, but it was beginning to stack up. She told herself once the baby came, Jared would stop sweating the small stuff. He’d laugh about a fallen egg.
Inside the café, Katrina ordered an egg sandwich with chips, and Sophie went for a BLT with fries.
“And a salad,” Katrina ordered as the server sped away. “Nutrients for the little one.”
Sophie waved her hand. “Don’t worry about that. I’m obsessive about vitamins and minerals. I make a smoothie almost every day.”
Katrina’s eyes glowed. “Your father and I are just so proud of you, honey. Look at the life you’ve built for yourself.”
Sophie’s cheek twitched. The server came with their tea, and Sophie blew at the steam. How many times, when she’d been using, had she craved her mother’s pride? It had seemed like the furthest thing in the world from her. Unattainable. “We’re all disappointments,” one of her druggy friends had said one night in Boston, laughing. “Not a single one of our mothers loves us.”
“You know,” Katrina said, folding her lips, “I feel I wasn’t honest with you and your sister about my own upbringing. Perhaps you’ve gleaned things here and there. Children always know far more than we think they do. You’ll find that out all too soon.” Katrina closed her eyes for a moment as though she wasn’t sure she wanted to keep going. “My father’s alcohol use was never healthy. And it significantly altered just abouteverything in my life growing up. He wasn’t himself after a few drinks—and he used to terrorize my brother, my mother, and me.” Katrina’s eyes darkened at the memory.
Sophie shook her head. “I knew something was wrong. But I never knew how bad it was.”
Katrina raised her shoulders. “I wanted to hide it. I wanted to pretend it wasn’t happening. But it was always a present horror—until he died.” Katrina sighed. “And I’m just so grateful, Sophie, that you’ve recognized your own patterns. That you’ve pushed yourself to be better. To be a loving wife and mother. To put your family and yourself before your addictions.”
Sophie’s eyes filled with tears. Again, Jared’s face from that morning floated in her mind’s eye. Hating her. Hating everything she stood for. Loving his power over her.
Maybe it was all in her head. Maybe he really did love her enough. Maybe it would all be fine.
“Thank you, Mom,” Sophie whispered.
“Of course, honey. I’m just so glad we can talk like this,” Katrina said. “Out in the open.”
Sophie sipped her tea. Would her mother be open to hearing what was actually going on? Could they talk, woman to woman? She decided to try.
“It’s scary getting married,” Sophie began delicately. “I sometimes wonder, like, is this the right guy? Forever?” She tried to laugh. “How does anyone know?”
Katrina tilted her head with surprise. “I imagine most people have doubts before their wedding day. I was sure, totally sure. But a few friends verbalized their fears to me before walking down the aisle. It’s normal.”
Sophie furrowed her brow. How could she get her mother to acknowledge her specific fears?
“Sometimes Jared says things to me that catch me off guard. That makes me wonder if he really sees me. I don’t know if that makes sense?”
Katrina waved her hand. “Of course. But you know how men can be. He’s distracted. He has a baby coming, for crying out loud. And I’m sure he’s just as scared about getting married as you are. Probably more so. You should have seen how green your father’s face was on our wedding day. It was even greener the day Ida was born. Women are just better at handling big life changes like that. We were built for them.”
It was already clear Katrina wanted to sweep Sophie’s worries under the rug. She could hardly hear them over her own excitement for Sophie’s future. Finally, Sophie had aligned herself with Katrina—with the way Katrina had always lived.
“I just hope Jared doesn’t get even meaner,” Sophie offered with a wry laugh. It was a Hail Mary.
“Jared? Mean?” Katrina sounded incredulous. “Oh, honey. You’ve always been too sensitive. I’m sure he isn’t being mean at all.”
Sophie’s cheeks were hot. She drank the rest of her tea, feeling a strange sense of loss. She’d thought Katrina had opened up an honest dialogue between them. But it was clear, even now, that she was alone.
“Jared loves you,” Katrina said happily, patting Sophie’s hand. “You’re carrying his baby! He’s going to protect you. He will be there for you every day for the rest of your life. I know things are probably strange right now. You still have morning sickness, right?”
“It comes and goes.”
“There you go,” Katrina said. “When you feel sick, it’s easy to doubt everything.”
Sophie’s heart thumped.
“You’re going to be so happy, Sophie,” Katrina said. “Mark my words. This time next year, we’ll sit here at this café with your little babe and laugh about your previous worries. That’s how it always goes.” Katrina took a long sip of tea, then added, “You just have to keep yourself sober, honey. If you do that, everything will fall into place.”
After their sandwiches came to the table, Sophie excused herself to the bathroom and allowed herself to cry into her hands for one minute. Just one. Then, she mopped herself up, practiced her smile in the mirror, and returned to the table to talk about the upcoming wedding, how many infant outfits they should actually purchase, and when they should have the baby shower. There was so much to plan, so much to be happy about. And Katrina was probably right about everything. Sophie needed to stop worrying. She needed to fixate on the positives—the baby, her engagement, her new life in Nantucket.
“You’ll be a gorgeous bride, Sophie,” Katrina said as they walked from the café, giving her hand a light squeeze. “Back when you were a teenager, I was terrified that we wouldn’t get to enjoy these beautiful family moments together, you know? I was terrified we would spend our lives apart.”
