AllFreeNovel
Share Us
It was difficult to describe just how frightened Sophie had been. The entire day now felt like a horrible nightmare. Her memory was foggy.
“They’re going to keep me overnight,” Sophie said.
“Good,” Ida said. “They have to figure out why this happened.”
Sophie wanted to tell Ida she knew why. She wanted to tell Ida she didn’t deserve this kind of happiness. She’d already made too many mistakes, and she needed to pay.
But that was her addiction talking. That wasn’t rational.
Instead, she said, “I felt like I was reliving a nightmare.”
Ida winced and took Sophie’s hand. “I wondered about that. Weren’t you about four months along back then?”
“Yes,” Sophie said.
“What are the odds?”
Sophie remained quiet as Ida furrowed her brow.
“I remember coming to see you a few days after it happened,” Ida said softly. “I felt like a horrible sister. I didn’t know what to say.”
Sophie hardly remembered Ida’s visit during the week she’d lost her baby. By then, she’d been using. Losing the baby had been like flipping a switch. One minute, she’d had something to live for. The next, she’d had nothing.
“I don’t know if I ever told you about what happened at the hospital,” Sophie said, her voice crackling.
Ida tilted her head. “Twenty-two years ago?”
“Right.” Sophie tried to smile, but her lips fell into a flat line. “Mom came shortly after we found out the baby hadn’t made it.”
“I knew Mom came,” Ida went on. “She called me from the hospital. She was crying.”
Sophie laughed wryly. The sound was strange in her ears. “She didn’t cry when she saw me.”
Ida’s lips hung open.
“She was too busy to cry,” Sophie went on. “She stormed into my hospital room like a maniac and started screaming at me. I was stuck in bed, and I could hardly walk. And she cornered me while Jared and Dad were down the hall.
“She accused me of everything under the sun,” Sophie remembered. “She was so sure I’d been using again. That was why I’d lost the baby. She insisted that she’d seen ‘signs’ in me recently, that she should have listened to her instincts. It was ridiculous. I hadn’t touched anything since long before the pregnancy. But her disappointment and her blame really did a number on me. I remember crying all night and the next day.
“Do you want to know the first thing I did when I had a day to myself?” Sophie went on, her voice cracking.
Ida sighed. She knew what was coming.
“I already knew how to hide my drug and alcohol use,” Sophie said. “And in a weird way, using it made my engagement and subsequent marriage to Jared more bearable. It helped me ease into my life a little more. And it certainly helped me forget the trauma of losing that baby.”
Sophie sighed and crossed her arms tightly over her chest. Ida continued to blink at her.
“And just like that, I ruined the next two decades of my life,” Sophie added. “I became a stranger even to myself.”
Ida sputtered with disbelief and then took a deep breath. It seemed to stabilize her. “First of all, thank you for sharing that with me. I hate that you haven’t felt like you could be honest with me. I’m here. Forever.”
Sophie felt the words like a balm over her aching heart.
“Second,” Ida went on, her voice gaining strength, “you’ve been through so much. But you’ve also had tremendously good instincts. You found Patrick. And you managed to get clean and build a new life. You can’t let Mom or anyone convince you otherwise.”
“Sometimes, all I want is for Mom to give me an enormous hug and tell me everything will be all right,” Sophie confessed. “Other times, I remind myself that she’s been the source of so much heartache for me. And me for her. Maybe it’s too late.”
“It’s not too late,” Ida rasped. “As a mother, all I can say is Nellie and Frankie could do anything. They could wreck my car. They could burn my house down. I’d still welcome them back into my life with open arms. My love for them is a level of insanity I can’t fully explain.” She smiled. “I know you’ll have the same for your baby.”
