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The nurses and doctor said the same thing. “We’re still waiting for the results of the tests. Sit tight. We’ll be with you soon.”
“I’m sorry,” Patrick apologized over and over again. He sat back down and blinked away his tears. “It’s going to be fine,” he told Sophie as the nurses and doctors returned to the hallways, marching up and down, attending to other patients, their shoes squeaking. “I promise. Whatever this is, we’ll get through it. Together.”
Sophie couldn’t help but remember that long-ago day—when she’d lost her first baby. She couldn’t help but bring back the images and the terror. It played out in her mind’s eye as Patrick stuttered with more questions, trying to save their current baby. But maybe the baby was already lost.
Back in 2002, Sophie had had a doctor’s appointment planned for that afternoon. Katrina would take her; she’d confirmed that morning, asking Sophie if she’d put the doctor’s appointment in her calendar. “I still haven’t hung the calendar on the wall,” Sophie said with a laugh. “I’m getting around to it.”
That morning, after the bleeding had begun, she’d called Jared at work. He’d told her to drive herself to the hospital, that he’d meet her there after his meeting. His meeting? Sophie had hardly registered that Jared went to a meeting before joining her at the hospital. Terrified, Sophie had limped to her car and driven alone, leaving a tear-drop-shaped stain of blood on her car seat—one she’d had to scrub off the next week, tears raining down her cheeks, her womb barren.
When Sophie had reached the hospital, the nurse in the lobby had taken one look at her pants, stained with blood, and ordered her to sit down on a nearby stretcher. She’d been wheeled off immediately. By then, Sophie had already disconnected from reality. The pain in her abdomen felt separate from her, like something she watched from a great distance. She was twenty years old, but she felt ageless, lifeless. The future she’d drawn for herself was disintegrating.
Jared arrived after she changed into a hospital gown and charged up and down the room, his hands clenched behind his back. He’d brought all his volatile energy from the office—the attitude he’d used to “get things done.” He angrily demanded answers from the nurses, but he hardly looked at Sophie, and he certainly never touched her. Alone in bed, still bleeding, Sophie felt alone and vulnerable. She’d never wanted to use drugs more in her life.
When the doctor told them they had lost the baby, Jared looked on the verge of punching him as though it was the doctor’s fault. As though Jared could find a single person to blame for their failed baby. Jared had never lost anything in his life. Sophie bowed her head and closed her eyes, wishing she was anywhere else. That she wasn’t engaged to marry Jared. That she’d never come back to Nantucket, hoping for the best. It was all an elaborate nightmare.
And then, she’d heard Jared growling at the doctor. Telling him he didn’t know how to do his job. Telling him he would sue him. “Jared!” she’d cried. “Shut up!” And Jared had turned on his heel and cast his darkness upon her. What was it he’d said to her? “You’re the one who ruined your body. I should have known it wouldn’t be viable. It’s pathetic.”
But now, twenty-two years after that horrific day, a different doctor entered the hospital room and greeted Patrick and Sophie with a soft and gentle smile. Light shone from his eyes. Sophie could imagine that he’d delivered hundreds, if not thousands, of healthy babies. He seemed the sort of person to welcome new creatures to the world.
“Hi. Thank you for your patience. Before we get started on the specifics, I’ll tell you this. Your baby is fine,” the doctor said.
Sophie gasped, filling her lungs with more air than she’d allowed herself since they’d entered the hospital. Patrick dropped his head forward and wept audibly. It was thenthat Sophie realized they’d both thought it was over. They’d momentarily lost all hope… for their baby, for their relationship, and maybe even for their sobriety, although that was something they would have to discuss later.
The doctor wasn’t done. “The baby’s heartbeat is solid. According to the tests we took when you came in, your vitals are fine. We don’t know what’s causing the bleeding yet, but we will find out. Sit tight for a little while longer, okay? We’re going to get out in front of this.”
“Thank you, Doctor,” Patrick hurried to say.
“Does that mean I still might lose the pregnancy?” Sophie demanded. She didn’t want to be blindsided like last time. She wanted to prepare.
“Your pregnancy is still viable,” the doctor said. “We’re going to keep you overnight to monitor everything. You may have to go on bed rest, which is a completely normal thing. Many pregnant women who go on bed rest go on to have happy, healthy babies. And they make complete recoveries, too.”
Sophie breathed even deeper. Bed rest? She could do that. It was easy. For the next five months, she imagined herself watching television, reading books, and growing her baby until he or she was strong enough to live in the real world. She would do anything for this baby. She would have done anything for the last one, too. If only she’d been allowed to save it.
About an hour after the doctor informed Sophie her baby was still alive, there was a knock on the doorframe. Ida popped her head inside, smiling, her cheeks glinting with tears. “Is anyone home?”
“Ida!” Sophie smiled and reached out for her sister, who hurried across the white linoleum and wrapped her tenderly in a hug.
“Oh, my darling sister,” Ida breathed into her hair.
When their hug broke, Sophie dried her cheeks with the back of her hand and tried to laugh at herself. “I’m sorry. I’m such a mess.”
“And you have every right to be,” Ida assured her, dropping into the plastic chair by the bed.
Patrick shifted his weight and then bent to kiss Sophie on the cheek. “I’ll go grab a cup of coffee. Need anything?”
“Nothing,” Sophie assured him. “Come back soon, okay?”
“I won’t be gone long,” Patrick said.
Patrick walked regretfully out the door, glancing back a final time before disappearing. With him gone, Sophie felt a heaviness against her chest.
“I’m so glad you texted me,” Ida burst, her cheeks blotchy.
Sophie raised her shoulders. She wasn’t entirely sure why she’d reached out to Ida. Ninety percent of her was fine with only Patrick by her side. But then again, her newfound commitment to sobriety demanded that she pay attention to her support system. It demanded an acknowledgment of her loved ones and her need for their love in return.
“The baby is still okay,” Sophie repeated.
“I’m so glad, Soph,” Ida blubbered. “You must have been terrified.”
