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I try not to make it sound like there’s a ‘right’ or ‘better’ answer. I want her to do whatever is best for her emotions right now. But I am pleased when she sits herself up, straightens her hair and clothes and turns to me.
“What are we making?”
Liv calls off the search for Sam a couple of days later. None of the raskarrans are ready to give up, but the rains have been pouring for three days. There’s just no chance they’ll be able to pick up a trail, even if there was ever one out there to find.
A somber mood settles over the village. Nobody goes to the gathering hut for a couple of days, each of us choosing to keep to ourselves, dealing with our grief in our own way.
It’s harder than losing Penny on the beach. We might have come as far as the raskarran planet together, travelling through space over months, but we didn’t forge the same bonds that we’ve made since coming to the raskarran village. We were still thinking like lower tier citizens, not like family. Though Sam has been away from the village longer than she was present here, she’s still a big part of that family.
And now she’s gone. It’s a blow to everyone.
Even Darran’s tribe, who never knew her, share in our grief.
“Any member of a tribe lost is a terrible thing,” Calran says to me in the dreamspace. “But to lose another female when we are so recently reacquainted with them…”
I can only imagine the feelings it must be stirring up in him, the pain of remembering the women of his tribe lost all those years ago. We don’t fool around at all that night, just hold each other, comforting each other, most of the time without need for words.
“It pains my heartspace to think of my brothers so lost that they would hurt or take a female,” Calran says at one point, after a long period of silence.
I trace the tattoos on his arms, knowing he’s thinking about the Cliff Top tribe that attacked us when we first arrived at Gregar’s village as much as he is the marauders who attacked Walset’s tribe and Sam.
“Your people have suffered so much,” I say. “People who’ve suffered… they don’t always make good choices.”
“No.” His voice is heavy, but there’s a lightness to his eyes when he looks at me. “It makes me all the more grateful for my brother and his strength as our tribe chief. It is so easy to imagine what might have been for me and my tribe brothers had he not held us together. Kept us walking Lina’s path.”
“I’m very grateful for that, too.” I press a kiss to his shoulder, at a place where many of the lines and swirls on his arm overlap. “What are the tattoos for?”
His chest expands a little, that very raskarran way of showing pride so adorable on him.
“They are earned by the best warriors,” he says. “When I was a youngling, we travelled to different tribes often. Usually for the purpose of meeting females, hoping to find our mate, but when you travel such distances, it is good to have a secondary purpose. So it is not a waste if your dreams remain empty. The Cliff Top tribes had competitions. Young warriors would compete to show off their skill with weapons and in fighting. I may not have found my mate, but I found success in the competition. They invited me to stay and train in their special warrior ways, so I remained with them for most of a season. When it came time to leave, I had earned all these markings for my skill.” He deflates again before continuing. “They were good males, all of them.”
“I believe that.” And I do.
Calran turns to me, pressing a gentle kiss to my lips. “You have a compassionate heartspace, Grace. If you were to have markings on your skin, that would be the thing you earned them for.”
It would be easy to wallow in the hurt of losing Sam for the next few days, but life must go on. Things don’t stop just because of a loss. Us lower tier girls are well used to that, and it doesn’t take long for things to start resuming. The patrols never stop, of course, the safety of the village far more important than our feelings, but there’s also the washing, the cooking, the repairsand other tasks saved for the rains. It can’t all be put on hold indefinitely.
For me, that means healing work. Checking in on Callif as he recovers from his terrible injuries. He’s not in any danger of dying anymore, but he still needs consistent care - bandages changing, wounds checking, reapplication of salve, as well as increasingly some physiotherapy to improve his strength and range of movement, though that mostly falls to Shemza. I can help him walk a couple of laps around the healing hut, but I don’t have the strength to do much more than that. Rachel, being pregnant, can’t even do that much. Callif won’t allow her to.
Molly keeps herself busy in her room at first, braiding bracelets for the tribe, but I encourage her to sit in the central room where the light is better, and the fire will keep her warm. Calran watches her with interest, then manages to mime to her that he would like to learn how she makes them. Despite the hollow feeling grief has carved into my chest, I can’t help smiling as I watch them working together. Calran doesn’t have the deft fingers required to make the bracelet really neat like Molly does, but when he presents his effort to me, tying it round my wrist with pride, affection blooms inside me. Molly rolls her eyes, but she’s smiling, too.
“I think she is starting to tolerate me better,” Calran says later.
I have to laugh at his choice of words. Teenaged raskarrans must be very similar to teenaged humans.
“It’s very hard not to,” I say, snuggling close to him. “You’re kind and thoughtful and persistent.”
“I hope you do a little better than tolerating me,” he says, his grin turning heated and wicked.
It’s amazing how much my response to that look has changed. When we first met in the dreamspace, it filled me with fear and apprehension. Now, it only fills me with need.We haven’t indulged in any touching since Sam went missing, instead spending our dreamspace time talking, consoling, supporting each other. I hadn’t realised until now just how much I missed the intimacy with him.
But then Calran’s expression fades, concern replacing it.
“I should not speak so when we are so soon after losing your sister.”
I shake my head, pressing a kiss to his lips. “Losing Sam - it’s hard. But it reminds me that life is short, that I should enjoy the time I have. Sam would have wanted that. She loved everything about this world. Desperately wanted a raskarran mate. I can just picture her somewhere, telling me off for not taking every opportunity to kiss mine.”
“Well, we would not wish for your sister’s spirit to be displeased.”
