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“Oh, I—” she says nervously.
“Sorry,” I tell her awkwardly.
“Tell her the rest, Katelyn.”
It falls silent. I want to scream at him. I’m so sick of crying. I’m so sick of feeling this way.
“Katelyn?” Doctor Wilson urges.
“One of the doctors there would… he’d… after he’d give me my medications he would…” my voice breaks and trails off.
“We don’t need to talk about that today,” she says immediately as my breathing increases. “You are already overcoming a lot right now telling me all of this. We don’t need to dive into everything all at once.”
I feel the weight being lifted off my chest as I nod my head.
“Let’s start with just one goal for today. Some homework so to speak. How have your panic attacks been?”
I give her a look and she chuckles.
“They aren’t fun, are they? When was your last one?”
“Last night.”
She nods her head and she scribbles notes in my file. “Do you know what triggered it?”
I wipe my sweaty hands against my pants and nod my head. “Thinking about… about my mom. And— I can’t remember things. Things I didn’t even realize I had forgotten. There are just… these… these holes and I don’t—”
“Breathe, Katelyn,” Doctor Wilson’s voice gets firm and my eyes lock on hers in surprise.
She nods her head at me once she has my attention and mimics a long inhale followed by a long exhale.
“Good, good. Do you feel a little better?” She asks and I nod my head. “Good. It’s completely normal to have memories scattered when you suffer a trauma. For some people, those memories all come back together like a perfect puzzle. For others, sometimes those puzzle pieces get scattered and go missing. The most important thing is to be patient with yourself. If you start tryingto force pieces to fit, just like a puzzle, it’s not going to work. Does that make sense?”
I nod my head despite the fact I want to just scream for her to somehow fix it.
“This was a lot today. I absolutely do not think you need that diazepam. But if you were open to some anti—”
“No,” I cut her off.
“I completely understand after everything you have been through. But if that ever changes, there is nothing wrong with taking therightdosage of therightmedications. Okay?”
I nod my head and then glance at Ax, wondering if I need to argue with him.
“Don’t look at me,” he says, nodding his head back at Doctor Wilson. “I’m only waiting on her to file her paperwork to release you from a proxy.”
“Which,” she says standing. “I will be doing immediately after leaving here. You should be hearing from your lawyer tomorrow to sign paperwork.”
“Really?” I ask and glance back at Ax who rolls his eyes.
“You never should have had one in the first place,” he reminds me. “I’ll show you out, Doctor Wilson.”
I linger by the entry way as he shows her the way out. Their voices are hushed but I vaguely hear him warning her to be careful asking questions about Valley Hill along with her reiterating that the hospital amplified my PTSD rather than heal it.
“Eavesdropping?” I hear and jump to find Eli leaning against the doorframe next to me and he laughs at me. “Go get your shoes. It’s my turn to take you out to eat.”
“To eat?”
“Asher said the bigger the ass we are, the bigger the meal needs to be. I figure today calls for more than just donuts.”
