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I was too chickenshit to ask him.
I was so lost in my thoughts that I allowed him to pull me off the counter and guide me to the table. He kept quiet, clearly sensing my need for silence while I grappled with the fact that he knew far more about me than I did about him. The imbalance, my disadvantage of knowledge, unsettled me.
“You gonna clue me in to what’s going on up there?” He finished scooping food onto our plates and looked up at me.
A million questions bombarded me, making it hard to decide what to ask first. Throwing caution to the wind, I went with a statement. “You know a lot about me.” Mortification engulfed me, and I reached for my fork only to grip the edge of my seat for balance when Reaper jerked me closer.
I eyed him, and he shot me a smile. “You were too far away.” He slid the placemat with my plate and fork in front of me.
“Whatever.” But the word had no heat behind it. A moan tumbled past my lips at the first bite of food. It was good. Better than good.
“I do know a lot about you,” he said, and it took me a second to recall what I’d said a few minutes ago. “But not as much as I’d like to. I still have a ways to go when it comes to you.” He paused to take a bite before continuing. “But I’ve learned your favorite foods, that you snore when you’re especially tired, and you hate mornings.”
“That’s more than I know about you,” I confessed. I’d only recently started to pay attention, and even then, I was tentative. I had no real experience getting to know a man I was intimate with. I’d dated, and I’d had sex, but my lifestyle hadn’t lent itself to serious relationships. The temptation was there, to use my skills to dive into his history, but it didn’t seem right to take the easy route. I owed him the courtesy of putting in the effort the way he had with me.
He grabbed my hand and placed a lingering kiss on my palm. “Ask me whatever you want, Einstein.”
So I did. I hammered him with questions. By the time we were done eating, I knew that his favorite sport was rugby and his favorite color was red, which he said as he curled a lock of my hair around his finger. I laughed when he told me his favorite golden girl was Sophia because she took no shit and he could picture her wearing an Old Lady cut, giving the guys a run for their money. I wasn’t at all shocked to find out that Led Zeppelin was his favorite band, but I had to hide my surprise when I learned he loved to read fantasy and sci-fi, his favorite author was Brandon Sanderson, and the best book he’d ever read wasDune.
He held nothing back, and I envisioned each fact like it was written on a piece of paper, then filed it away in a folder with his name on it.
All too soon, the food was gone.
“You asked me a lot of questions. I have a few too,” he said, shifting in the chair and widening his legs.
I motioned for him to go ahead.
“I won’t ask where you disappeared to. I know you can’t answer that. But I want to know what happened. Why did you leave so suddenly?”
He’d opened up to me so completely, the least I could do was offer the same unfiltered honesty. “I hacked something I shouldn’t have.” Heat rose to my cheeks. No matter how much time passed, I still felt shame when I thought back to that stupid mistake. “I was young and arrogant. Left a calling card.”
Reaper turned in his seat to face me. I could have left it there, but I wanted him to know the whole story. “I had a hard time making friends in college, mostly because of the huge age difference. But then I aced the classes and screwed up the curves, which only made me more popular, as I’m sure you can imagine,” I said with a self-deprecating laugh. “When I got an invitation to a hacking party, I thought maybe…” I shook my head. “I was so stupid. I thought it was my opportunity to make friends. Anyway, the guy hosting the party challenged me to hack something really hard.” A heavy mix of emotions swirled in me. Sorrow that I’d been too lonely to see through the assholes, disgust with myself for not knowing better than to do what I did.
“While I was hacking, the others were playing Minecraft. I didn’t know they’d only invited me to make fun of me and trick me.” Young, stupid, and lonely. But I’d come to terms with that night a long time ago, once I realized I wouldn’t have found myself without my team. Without the training I’d gotten from Ghost Unit, no matter how brutal it was.
“So that’s why you don’t leave a calling card.” I nodded. “What did you hack?”
I winced. “I can’t say. But my options were to get locked up for domestic terrorism or become property of the government by working for them.” Jail or no jail, it was the easiest and best decision I’d ever made.
“I’m proud of you, Einstein. You made a mistake, but you faced the consequences head-on and became one hell of a woman because of it.”
Shocked speechless, I simply watched him clear the table. When he came back, I still hadn’t thought of a way to respond, and all thoughts of my past vanished when he lifted the dome from the plate he set down in front of me.
“Is that—” I gasped.
“Donnie’s red velvet cheesecake. Your favorite.”
“I’m surprised you didn’t try to make this too. You’re an incredible cook.”
He chuckled when I shimmied in my seat at the first bite of the best red velvet cheesecake in the world. “I was a single guy who didn’t want to live off takeout until you came back.”
“What if I didn’t come back?” I hadn’t meant to ask it, but I wanted to know.
“Would’ve hired Betty to find you. She would’ve dragged you back, for both me and Wolf.” Simple and to the point. So very Reaper.
I finished my dessert while Reaper told a story about Paul Bunyan and how he got his road name. By the end, I laughed so hard I was crying.
We washed, dried, and put away dishes side by side, maneuvering around each other like we’d been doing this for years. As Reaper pulled me down the hallway, I noticed all the little pieces of Reaper around my house. Seeing our stuff mingled together, the way I’d dreamed about when I was younger, made me giddy. My heart filled with joy at how right it felt to have him here taking care of me, even though I didn’t need it.
