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"For the first time in my life, I felt drawn to a man,” I admitted, my voice low. “And I don’t just mean that I thought he was a good-looking guy in passing. The interest stemmed deep inside me, a feeling I haven’t experienced since I first saw Katie.”
Albert smiled, his eyes twinkling. “That sounds familiar.”
“That’s why Hanson suggested I speak with you.
Albert settled back in his chair, glancing around the quiet bar as though gathering his thoughts. “As we grow, experience the world around us, and learn more about ourselves, things begin to change. Our views, beliefs…even emotional responses.”
I nodded, having already lived through many such shifts. “Just because we are brought up in a certain religion and assigned a sex at birth doesn’t mean we aren’t allowed to expand our thoughts as we mature.”
“Exactly,” Hanson agreed.
“I no longer attend mass like my parents, sister, and her daughter do,” I continued. “It took moving out on my own, away from their influence, and studying science and history while in college to redirect my system of belief.”
“Sexuality is no different,” Albert said. “Fluidity reflects one of many changes some go through in life depending on their circumstances. For me, it was like waking after a long slumber.” He shared a smile with Hanson, and they both moved in as though of the same mind, their lips pressing lightly together.
I considered Albert’s words rather than diving deep into the envy that snaked through my chest at their display of affection.
Sean’s presence had brought a tingling warmth that messed with the molecules in my body. I hated comparing his effect on me to that of the wife I’d lost, but the attraction was so damn similar it raised the hairs on my nape.
I rubbed over the back of my neck while slowly emptying my lungs. A sip of my beer wet my throat. “It kind of is.” I finally agreed with Albert’s suggestion of his evolving sexuality and how it felt like every day was a new beginning. I picked at my bottle’s damp label. “I’ve been…merely surviving the past three years, and he walked into my life like a breath of fresh air I hadn’t realized I’ve been gasping for.”
Yes, I realized as I stated the words that summed Sean up perfectly.
Nodding to myself, I lifted my focus off my drink.
Albert and Hanson studied me from across our booth where they sat shoulder to shoulder, both offering encouraging smiles. I’d always admired their level of comfort in each other’s spaces while admitting to jealousy.
And a sense of loss.
I heaved an exhale, slouching a little in my seat.
“It’s not just okay,” Albert said, his blue eyes understanding but intense, “but healthy as well.”
“You’ve been taking good care of your body, but maybe you ought to consider that poor muscle attempting to survive inside your chest,” Hanson suggested, draping his arm over his husband’s shoulders and tugging him closer.
My chest ached to do the same to a needy soul.
“It’s finally shown a hint of stirring from beneath grief’s shroud,” Hanson continued, “but that doesn’t mean you have to pursue an off-limits young man.”
“There are dozens of dating apps,” Albert said. “Maybe join a few, browse, and see if anyone else rouses similar feelings. But experiment and don’t limit yourself to one gender.”
I nodded absently at Albert’s suggestion but had zero interest in finding a man to explore with or a woman to replace my wife. No one would be able to do so, and I’d never been one for hookups during my pre-Katie days.
“What matters is that you’re finally attempting to move on like you’d promised Katie you would do,” Hanson said, his voice quiet and kind as always.
She’d been mere hours from leaving me alone on the earth, and in that moment, I would have agreed to anything she’d said. Rob a bank. Shoot myself in the foot. Jump out of a perfectly safe airplane with nothing but a sheet of thin material to keep me from splattering on the ground.
But allow myself to love someone else?
I glanced around the bar, needing distraction from the troubling ideas and emotions roiling inside my guts like a bubbling cauldron. Sean was nothing but trouble regardless of the lightness of his smile and flirty eyes that filled my lungs and warmed my face…along with the rest of my body.
While I could understand that sexuality might be fluid—evidenced by Albert—pursing a student in my classroom was forbidden.
And Katie still owned every part of me.
My thoughts returned to the heaviest, most life-changing reason Sean and I didn’t make sense.
He’s male.
