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I’d never touched another man’s cock, had never felt inclined to even consider such a thing. But I could admit the idea of watching Sean strip, unveiling his young, lean form didn’t exactly turn me off like it would have done in my teenage years.
I’d never had the curious era in college either. I hadn’t jerked off with a friend out of boredom, nor had I watched a single porn video that didn’t include a leading lady with a handful of breasts and lush softness between her thighs.
But Sean definitely had roused something inside me that called out to my baser instincts, demanded I heed its draw regardless of the other two reasons I ought to avoid him.
My cell buzzed in my back pocket, still on vibrate from my day in classes. Since my social life consisted of the two men I sat with and family, I retrieved my phone to check who’d texted me.
Kenzie.
My stomach dipped at the notification on the screen, all traces of arousal vanishing along with the blood from my face. Experiencing life-giving force to the reminder of what I’d lost whiplashed me in less than a heartbeat. It almost felt as if…Katie had prompted the text from the grave.
Did she not approve?
“Matteo?” Hanson’s voice held a hint of concern as my face fell.
“Katie’s sister,” I whispered, guilt crashing down over me and leaving me hollow inside once more.
My hand shook as I swiped my screen to life to read the message.
Kenzie: It’s check-in time again. I want to make sure you’re looking after yourself. We are all healthy but still picking up the pieces and grieving. I honestly hope you’re faring better than we are.
Unlike my ex in-laws, Kenzie didn’t blame me for her sister’s death. She was the only one to keep in contact with me after Katie’s passing.
I understood a mother and father needing to hold someone accountable, to find a focal point for their anger over losing a child. Katie had been the love of my life, but they’d had their own flesh and blood ripped from them. Surely, they suffered more than I did, and I couldn’t fault them for their feelings toward me.
Even if they were wrong.
“Is everything okay?”
No, it wasn’t, but I nodded at Hanson’s question before shoving my cell back in my pocket. “She reaches out on occasion to see how I’m doing.” I tried for a level tone of voice, but the upheaval of emotions within the previous few seconds didn’t allow for calm, the same as it always did whenever Kenzie reached out to me every couple of months.
“You’re not going to respond?”
Shrugging as though indifferent, I exhaled until my lungs attempted to collapse. “After Katie’s death, her parents carved me from their family with a blunt knife. Kenzie still cares about my wellbeing, but I sometimes wish she wouldn’t jolt me like this with reminders of what I lost.”
My beer bottle’s label became a distraction again for my fingernail as I struggled to settle my mind from the roller coaster Kenzie’s text had tossed me onto. “Honestly, I wish Kenzie would let me go like her parents did. Choosing to continue breathing is tough enough without her rousing my grief and bringing up their continued negative thoughts toward me. I would rather be free to enjoy the good things I cherish about the only woman I’ll ever love.”
Tipping my beer upward, I took a few heady swallows in attempt to change my focus back to where it belonged.
I’d had my chance at happily ever after, and I had no wish to tarnish our pure love by exploring with another man in order to make sense of or prove my sexuality.
I knew who I was, and my faithfulness to the memory of my wife wouldn’t waver.
Even if I ended up dreaming about him every night in the coming weeks.
Chapter 9
Sean
I didn’t remember my failed year at college being so damn hard. Who knew sitting in classes and studying shit that at least somewhat interested me would be exhausting to the point I didn’t want to go out? The first time around at college, fuck all, but now? I wanted to succeed and still struggled.
It was difficult enough having to perk up my dick for clients two to three times a week when back in early August, I’d been ready to fuck at the drop of a hat. I dragged ass, actually popping little blue pills to please EEMM’s needy holes and swollen balls. I still got off. Enjoyed the release of tension, but the drain on more than just my nuts weighed on me.
Sleeping didn’t come easy even though tiredness toppled me onto my bed when the sun went down. With the three mil of hard-earned cash I’d dropped on my corner condo overlooking Boston’s wharf, I should have found contented rest every damned night. Vivid dreams visited regardless of exhaustion, not allowing me the drowsy relaxation my body required while cradled in satin sheets.
Damned bags hinted beneath my eyes that no expensive-as-shit cream erased too.
After only ten fucking days of school!
