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My chest constricted. Such a simple, innocent question. Tears stung the backs of my eyes. “She, uh, she’s quiet. Likes to watch TV and...” Feel safe. I swallowed hard.
“Hey, guys, wait here while I walk Tova out.”
Not questioning the way he saved me from breaking down, I gave each kid a quick hug while they polished off their milk. In the entryway, I put my hand to my forehead. A dull ache settled behind my temples. “Thanks for letting me tag along this morning.”
“Are you okay?”
The concern simmering in his eyes without a trace of falsity was nearly my undoing. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just...” For once, I let go. It wasn’t like she was in witness protection. “My mom’s in a long-term care home. She’s why I asked you for so much money.”
“Six grand a month isn’t a lot.”
I stared, dumbfounded. “It’s seventy-two thousand a year.”
“You’re not getting benefits, and you work more than eight hours a day. Around here, seventy-two grand is a decent living, but it’s not millionaire money. I imagine in California it wouldn’t stretch nearly as far as it does here.”
“I need most of it for my mom.”
His gaze softened even more, and he swung the door shut, closing us in the makeshift coat room. “Do you need a raise?”
I needed money, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask. I wasn’t going to be dependent on a man again. Yet here I was. “No, it’s fine. That’s partly why I need to go. I need to look for jobs for after you go back to Montana.” Saying the words out loud made the end date so achingly real.
His gaze darkened, and he propped a shoulder against the wall. We were standing closer than we needed to be. He’d asked me quietly if I was okay, and I had swayed toward him like I could cuddle into that big chest and forget about my worries.
“Thank you for today. For earlier.” He wasn’t talking about the cats.
“I know it’s hard for them—to remember her and not be sad. My mom used to dance with me. She loved to dance, and she would’ve been a performer if...” I let out a long breath. Frederick had known that Mom was in long-term care, but he’d never asked why. Knowing she depended on me was all the information he needed. Cody hadn’t asked either. Whether out of politeness or because he didn’t give a shit, I didn’t know, and I wouldn’t talk more about her. “Anyway, we used to have sudden dance parties. They’re some of my favorite memories, especially now that she’s...” Unable to care for herself.
“I don’t talk to them much. About her.” He dropped his head to stare at the floor. “I should.”
“Is it too hard for you?”
“Yes? No?” He rubbed his bottom lip between his thumb and forefinger. “Some days I don’t know what to feel. Our marriage wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t terrible. It should be easier to know what to do.”
“Where’s that written?” When he glanced up, I softened my question with a smile. “Thelma and my grandma— Well, if I didn’t have Thelma to talk about everything under the sun with, I don’t think I would’ve handled Grandma’s death very well. Even when it was hard for her, Thelma would talk to me about Grandma. Eventually, we were able to do it with more laughter and less tears.”
He mulled over what I said. “I never looked at it like that. I feel like if I get sappy, Meg will cross over and bitch-slap me. She wasn’t one for unneeded emotion, but then, neither am I.”
“It might’ve been part of her personality, but I’m not so sure it’s a part of yours.” I didn’t know what possessed me to step forward and tuck a hunk of his hair to the side so it wouldn’t stand on end, but I did it, running the silky strands through my fingers. “It’s okay to have and express emotions. Your kids need to see it. And you’re allowed to have all sorts of feelings.”
I drew in a sharp breath when I realized what I was doing. I snatched my hand back, curling my fingers into my palm. He caught my wrist, his grip somehow gentle, and that thumb that had rubbed circles on my thigh stroked along my palm.
“I shouldn’t feel a lot of what’s inside me right now.”
He wasn’t the only one. “Me either.”
His gaze jumped back and forth between my eyes, the energy between us crackling. I wanted to sink into the floor for what I said, but I held eye contact. Anything else would make me seem lovesick or hopeless or hopeful. None of those had their place in the moment.
Releasing my hand, he straightened. “See you Monday, Tova.”
Relieved to move on from my uncomfortable admission in order to inspect what he’d said with a fine-toothed comb, I smiled. “Have a good weekend, Cody.” At the door, I paused with my hand on the warm metal handle. “What did the kids name the cats?”
The electricity in the air sizzled to nothing. “They’ve been through five name changes so far. When we see you again, maybe they’ll have settled on two.”
“I look forward to it.” I wasn’t talking about the cats. There was nothing more I wanted to do than spend time in this house with these people. But they weren’t my family. At the end of the two months, I’d be alone once more.
Eight
Cody
