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Chapter 1
River
Dread sentcold sweat down my spine as I stood gathering my nerves in the hallway. It made no sense but my emotions rarely checked in with reality before they pummel my insides. It had been six months since I’d arrived at Rawhide Ranch with nothing but my suitcases and a broken heart. It felt like only a day had passed since I’d rolled up in front of that beautiful wrap-around porch and asked for sanctuary.
The wood of Master Derek’s door was cold under my knuckles as I knocked. Trying to find calm, I held my breath and waited for his reply.
“Come in,” his voice called out.
Dots floated in front of my eyes, so I took in a few gulps of air. Passing out as I walked into the room was not the impression I wanted to make. I expected the door to creak when I opened it but it remained silent.
Master Derek sat behind his large desk. How could a man be so intimidating when all he was doing was sitting? Hisdominance was both terrifying and tempting. Why had he summoned me?
The fact that I yearned for a partner I could hand over all control to wasn’t new or surprising. But after my first and last fiasco of a relationship ended, I didn’t think it was ever going to happen. I wanted too much. Reality had shattered my dream. Blending into the shadows at Rawhide, serving the people who could find their dreams was probably the closest I could come to the perfect life I had fantasized about.
Was even that going to end? I thought I’d been doing a good job. But people didn’t get called to the headmaster’s office for praise. What had I done wrong? How could I fix it?
It took more courage than I’d like to admit to step through the doorway and quietly close the door behind me.
“Hello, River.” Master Derek smiled and gestured to the chair in front of his desk. “Kindly take a seat.”
The leather of the chair was cold against my legs as I perched in the seat he’d indicated. The lump in my throat had grown so big I had to gulp to try and breathe normally. Could time really move any slower? I swore each second felt like an hour as he sorted through the papers on his desk.
What did he want me to do? Should I have knelt instead of sat? Was I supposed to say something or remain quiet? There was no protocol in my contract for surprise invitations, so I felt adrift. His look was intense as he leaned back in his large chair, but I couldn’t understand why.
Had I messed up on my duties? Had someone complained about me? Why was I here and not busy out there making sure everything was perfect for the guests?
“You are probably wondering why I asked you here.”
I nodded, unable to speak.
“Relax, River, you’re not in trouble, but we do need to talk.”
“Yes, Sir.” My croaked words sounded like I was being strangled. But the only thing constricting my whole body was my own nerves, and there wasn’t anything I could do to stop it. My emotions didn’t respect safewords and often pushed me well past my limits.
Master Derek grabbed a pitcher of water and filled a glass half way, handing it to me. It was good he hadn’t filled it completely with the way my hand shook. I drank the liquid quickly, hoping it would clear my throat so I could hide how terrified I was.
“Thank you. I’m sorry. I’m just really nervous. You’ve never asked me to come to the office. Did I do something wrong?”
I would accept discipline but I needed to know what I’d done. That was the best part of living in the lifestyle. Punishment and forgiveness. But if I’d done something to earn consequences, my shattered brain couldn’t remember it.
What if it was something serious? Could they kick me out instead of spanking me? This place was a safe harbor in the storm that was my life, and I couldn’t imagine going out to face the world yet.
Master Derek leaned back once again, crossing his ankle over his thigh. His gaze was so invasive, I felt stripped naked in the seconds before he spoke.
“No, River, you’ve done nothing wrong. Think of this as more of an assessment, a six-month review to go over how your time here has been. Do you like it on the Ranch?”
Relief flooded me but the anxiety still swirled in my stomach. I nodded nervously. “Yes, Sir, very much.”
“Good”—he nodded sagely—“and what exactly do you like about Rawhide?”
Oh-oh. Talking and sharing weren’t among the things I was good at. “My work, Sir. It’s very rewarding and, uh, peaceful.” I rubbed my sweaty palms on my skirt and tried to put into wordshow important the place was. “I have my work and uh, I can walk around, and… uhm… visit the horses. I read a lot when I’m not working. For a woman like me, this place is perfect.”
As soon as the wordswoman like mewere spoken, I knew I’d made a mistake.
His eyes narrowed. “And what kind of woman are you, River?”
I shrugged and my pulse seemed to fill my head and neck as I gripped the seat. He knew what I meant. I couldn’t say it out loud but I knew I wasn’t normal. I wasn’t a person who liked being in charge. I needed structure that the chaos of the outside world rarely held.
